Something I Can Never Have
by elfprincess8
Summary: Caleb takes care of his younger brother Jacob. Jacob is his most important responsibility. Caleb wants to make him happy, be everything that he needs but Jacob is broken and when he admits to his darkest desires, Caleb must choose, cross the line for Jacob again or risk losing him forever. OOC all human. Warning: Dark, BDSM, Incest. Thanks to Dantemalfoy for the awesome banner!
1. Chapter 1

Something I Can Never Have

Chapter One

"_You always were the one to show me how_

_Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now._

_This thing is slowly taking me apart._

_Grey would be the color if I had a heart."_

The door to my bedroom opens and he stands silloueted against the hallway light. I pretend not to look… I know it's him. I can tell by the build, the broadness of his shoulders and the sheer size of him. He does not speak. And we both pretend… It's easier when we just pretend. No one can be hurt when we pretend. You don't have to deal with it when you pretend…

He closes the door and locks it behind him. The old floor-boards creak under his weight, his footfalls heavy as he approaches my bed in the darkened room. He stands over me, silent, just watching me; watching me as I pretend to sleep, pretend not to be watching him…

When he moves, it is subtle, deliberate. He begins to undress, pulling his shirt up and over his shoulders. I breathe in deeply as the light brushing of air produced by his movements reaches my face. It is heady with the scent of cologne, clean skin, sweat, his sweat. It is his scent; the scent that is unique to him, means only him.

And still we are silent… still we pretend…

He continues to undress as quietly as he can. When I hear the light clicking of metal from his belt buckle as he draws it through the loops of his jeans, my breathing speeds and I bite down on my lip to keep silent, continue pretending. Anticipation… it makes me anxious; anxious and aroused.

He is naked. I try not to look up at him but how can I not and yet, what if I do? I feel the dip in the mattress as he sits down beside me on my bed. He reaches for the light blanket that covers my body and lifts it away, exposing me. I don't like the feeling. I want to hide, to hide and to pretend; to pretend I'm asleep and dreaming…

But I'm not asleep and I'm not dreaming and I'm not scared. He will make it all go away…

I blush involuntarily, feeling the heat as it moves up over my chest, my neck and across my face. I am thankful for the darkness. He can't see it, that I'm blushing and I can continue to make believe. He reaches out to me, my stuttering breath freezing as he brushes my bangs out of my eyes. He draws the tips of his fingers oh so slowly down the side of my face, along my jaw. He strokes his big thumb softly over my bottom lip and moves over me, bracing himself up with one hand pressed against the mattress near my shoulder. I can feel the heat coming from his body, the urgency in his touch, his need… and I am sleeping, I am pretending… I am silent and motionless…

He continues to gently caress my lips, my face with just the tips of his fingers. His hand slides down to my throat and he squeezes just slightly; just enough to remind me of his dominance, his strength, his power over me… as if I could stop him from touching me… as if I would ever desire to do so…

And still I pretend… I can't be hurt when I pretend…

His tongue darts out to dance along my lower lip, his breath hot on my skin. I open for him as his thumb pulls on my chin, coaxing me to let him inside, to let him claim me. He takes my mouth in a possessive kiss. He knows I belong to him. I have always belonged to him, here in the darkness… here in this safe place where we both pretend.

He moves to stretch out beside me on my twin bed, his massive body draped partly over the top of my slighter, thinner one. I am not little, I am not small but I will always be smaller than him. His heavy, full cock presses against my thigh as he rocks his body against me. He takes my wrists and lifts them both up, pressing them against the mattress on either side of my head, holding them tightly in his big hands so I can't touch him; never touch him. If I did, it wouldn't be pretending anymore. I don't try to stop him. As if I could stop him…

He does not speak, I do not speak. It would break the spell, it would change everything. He moves my wrists together and captures them both in one of his strong hands while the other hand moves down over my chest, touching me. His fingertips move over me, leaving electrical charge in their wake as my nerves fire off in tandem following the trail of his touch.

I am on fire. I want to move, want to moan, to gasp, to pant and wreathe but I don't move. I am silent and motionless. I must be silent… someone might hear. I lay still and pretend and he touches. He leans over me, his mouth hot on my chest, his teeth, biting, sucking, and licking at my erect nipples. His big hand moves down over my belly, his palm flattening out on my stomach as he moves it lower and lower…

I fight in silence as the urge to thrust up against his hand tries to drive me insane. I lay still. He touches.

His hand cups me through my white briefs, his fingertips moving along the edge of my erection and circling the leaking head. I want to cry out, I want to beg to plead, to push him off of me and curl up and hide… I want it to stop… I don't want it to stop. I am confused… It is torture…

He releases my hands and begins to move again, and again, the scent of him as he moves… the warmth of his fingers against my hips as he grips the band of my briefs and begins to pull them down… over my hips, my thighs, my ankles… he tosses them away.

I am naked…

He kneels over me, knees on either side of my thighs. He is stroking himself. I know he is even though I cannot clearly see it in the darkness. I can feel the movements and I know what they mean. I can smell his arousal. It frightens… it intoxicates me. I can hear his sharp breaths, sucked in through clenched teeth as he struggled to be silent, not to moan, to pretend.

And we both pretend…

He takes one of my hands in his and moves it down over my belly, down to my erect cock. He wants me to touch myself… and so I do. I would do anything for him, anything. I belong to him. He is my protector, my savior, my hero. No one will ever hurt me while he is here with me. No one would ever dare.

His big hand moves to cover mine as I stroke myself. His fingers press hard over mine and the sensation of it is too much for me. I gasp with pleasure. It is involuntary, I cannot stop it. He lets go of me and closes his hand over my mouth to silence me, to help me be still, to help me pretend. I must be silent… someone might hear.

He takes both of our hard cocks in one hand and holds them together as he bucks his hips against me. I am so close… I know it, I can feel it. The blistering heat, the delicious itch begins to move through my body, nerves firing, synapses exploding as the sensation overloads my consciousness. I cum and cum and cum, quivering, silent beneath him and he cums too, I can feel it splash hot against my belly, mixing with my own. And he too is silent.

I can't help it I can't stop it, the orgasm… He draws it from me like a confession, not quite against my will… not that, never that. I would give him anything, anything… even my life if he asked it of me. My body is still shaking, my stomach muscles tense…

I think that I passed out. When I come to my senses, he is cleaning me up with a warm, wet washcloth, rubbing it over my thighs, my stomach. He is pulling my briefs up. He covers me with my blanket. I can hear him getting dressed beside the bed, still silent, still pretending.

He leans down over me once again, pausing, waiting for me to move, to speak but I won't. My eyes are closed. I'm sleeping, I'm pretending. He kisses me, a gentle brush of his soft lips against mine and a feather light touch of his fingertips on my eyelids, over my eyelashes to make sure that I am pretending still.

He is gone. I am alone in the darkness.

I curl up on my side, facing away from the door. I close my eyes tightly and press my face into the pillow. I pretend that I am not hurt. I pretend that everything is all right.

No one can hurt you if you pretend. And I tell myself that over and over and over as the tears start to fall…


	2. Chapter 2

Something I Can Never Have

Chapter Two

He steps out onto the stage, still hidden in the shadows, for the moment, bathed in the obscene light of a wall of red, neon tubes filled with bubbling water. The music cues up and begins to play, the pulsing, sexual beat of the bass reverberating off of the walls and vibrating the floor beneath the feet of the clubs wealthy patrons, all men of means. This club is not the type of establishment one can just walk into without an invitation. A gold card is not a guarantee of acceptance. This place is exclusive, this place is special.

He remains motionless, his head down, his long, black hair pulled back into a pony tail at the base of his neck, his hands on his hips. The spotlights begin to move toward him, focusing on him, illuminating him in a soft, muted glow leaving his facial features somewhat obscured. This is like a cruel tease to the men who have come to see him. He always packs the house when he performs and he only dances once. He does not do encores.

And now they can see him…

The Nine Inch Nails techno-metal song "Reptile" blasts throughout the room in strategically placed speakers. He begins to move slowly, building the anticipation. They cannot hear the heavy thump from the rubber soles of his black, biker boots against the stage as he steps toward them, giving them what they want; letting them see him, look at him, ogle him. Soft light moves over the dull sheen of his black, leather pants and glints off the metal of his belt buckle. His naked torso gleams with sweat. It trickles down his chest, over his tight, little belly, beneath the band of his pants.

His head tilts up a bit and his eyes sweep over the crowd, appraising them. Doms, all of them, some with submissives, some cruising for a piece of ass. He does not fail to notice that out there, all is silent, there is no movement, and no one speaks. All eyes, even those of the wait staff are riveted on him. His hips sway to the beat of the music and his head swims with the effects of the narcotic he ingested earlier. It makes him numb to it all.

He is a seductive lure, a draw for the club and he knows it. But he does not care. The music hypnotizes him and he closes his eyes, losing himself in it. His hands slide down over his chest, moving as he dances, as he sways in a circle, their eyes following the downward path of his fingers. He circles the ring in his left nipple and his other hand continues its descent. He is not separate from the music, he is part of it. His routine, his performance, is not a dance, it is art in motion; fluid and sexual and raw.

Every cock in the room is hard as he tugs at the nipple ring and his other hand slides in the sweat on his skin, slowly down over his belly. His fingers move along the trail of hair that disappears beneath the band of his pants and he unfastens his belt buckle. He doesn't hear the collective intake of breath in the room. The music is too loud and he is lost in it.

His body continues to sway as his head tips back and he begins to palm himself through the leather. The music, so loud, the smell of sweat and smoke, alcohol and arousal so rank around him but he doesn't care. It doesn't matter. The song reverberates through his head and he swims in the narcotic. He is oblivious to everything but himself and he closes it all off. He is safe in a cocoon and no one can touch him.

He takes a step backward. He moves to stand in front of the metal pole with his back to it and reaches up, his arms stretched above his head and grasps it with both hands. The metal of the pole is cool against his back and he slides down it slowly, the sweat on his skin making the movement easy. He drops into a low crouch and rocks his hips forward and backward, his knees wide, his mouth closed tightly, his eyes open, locked on them, the watching the crowd but he doesn't see them.

When he stands up again, he leans back against the pole and rips the belt through the loops of his pants, tossing it aside. A cheer goes up from the crowd and the men get animated, some jump to their feet but no one looks away. The bartender stands with a glass of wine in his hand, holding it out to a patron but neither of them notice it, they are both watching him.

And the room is his…

His muscles are tight, rippling beneath his dark, golden-brown, sweat-slickened skin. He turns to face the pole and begins to rock his hips forward against it as they watch him, all eyes on him. They stare at him, his perfect ass in those loose, leather pants, loose so he can move, dance, enrapt them. They wonder what he tastes like. They will never know. And the song continues, so loud, the bass so hard, like their cocks and they want and they desire…

He drops suddenly into a low kneel, his knees wide apart at the front of the stage. His hands begin to move very slowly up the inside of his thighs and his head tilts up just enough for them to see his dark eyes as he looks around the room at them, the nameless, faceless strangers. His expression is feral and ferocious, dark, deep-set eyes, full, pouty mouth, lips moist, slightly parted, hair sticking to his damp skin. He is sensual, he is arousing. He is unattainable.

He slides one hand up to palm himself through the leather again as the other teasingly unsnaps his pants and lowers the zipper. The beat picks up and he begins to rock back and forth on his knees. His head tilts back and he slips a hand beneath his boxer briefs, his fingers moving over his thick, cock. Out in the room, they stand up, they move to get a better view and some men cheer but they are all respectful. No one is allowed to behave rudely in this establishment and no one would dare to interrupt his performance.

Out in the crowd, men touch themselves beneath tables, mimicking his movements and they want and they desire and it is hell for them but they cannot look away. They all want him, want his submission but he is not collared. He belongs to no one. His leather-clad ass slides against the polished, black lacquer of the stage as he grinds into his hand; hot lights, hot skin, his breath coming in hard pants. He runs his tongue over his bottom lip and they moan but he cannot hear them over the music, through the narcotic haze.

Faster the music, faster his body movements, he is fucking his hand inside his pants, grinding his ass backward against the stage as if it were a cock inside of him and they all wish it was their own. He looks out at them again, then turns quickly and stretches out on his back, his head tilting backward off the edge of the stage so they can see his face. He pulls up one knee and slides his hands down over his chest again.

He draws his hard, full, straining cock from his pants and begins to stroke it. They gasp and stare wide-eyed at it, at him, at his hips driving up, grinding into his hand, fucking his hand; sweat trickling down his neck. So hot, so fucking hot and they can't stand it… His free hand slides up over his chest and wraps around his neck, squeezing tightly, fingers closing over the gold chain and little padlock that keeps it fastened. Not a collar, no, not that, a gift from someone. A gift from someone he can never have.

He lets go of his throat and moves his fingers up over his jaw, brushing them over his lips. Moist, so moist, he pushes his big thumb into his mouth, tilting his head back even further and shoving it as far down his throat as he can get it. They watch breathless as he does it. They want, they wish but they cannot have. He is so hard, his cock purple, leaking drops of pre-cum but he won't let go, he won't cum until the song is finished and it very nearly is.

And they wait and they watch…

He continues to suck on his thumb, pulling it almost all the way from his mouth, lips swollen, heart pounding, he wishes it was a cock but it isn't. He pretends, he imagines but that is all he can do. They imagine it is their cock and they hold their breaths and anticipate. His hand speeds, so close, so close…

The song crashes to an end, the climactic end and he cries out, shooting white ribbons of hot cum; splashing onto his stomach, over his hand. Out there, many of them cum too. He can smell it but it doesn't affect him. He is so deep in his headspace. He lays like a limp ragdoll on the stage, gasping for breath, drenched in sweat and cum. He whispers a name but no one can hear him. The room erupts in a thunder of stomping feet and raucous applause that vibrates the floor beneath him but he doesn't feel it or hear it. He is flying.

Someone gives him a hand as the curtain closes. He is led back to his dressing room, to his private bathroom, where he can clean up. He stands under the hot spray of the shower and scrubs his skin as if he can clean the remnant of their ravenous stares from his body. Outside security keep them away from him; tell the men who try to get in to him that he will not see anyone. They say the same words each time but yet, the men still try.

He sits alone in his dressing room, a towel draped over his lap and stares at the mirror. So many men out there, some of them the best Doms in Tacoma but none of them good enough for him, the perfect submissive. None of them are exactly what he is looking for. His standards are impossibly high. There is only one man he desires, only one Dom, the perfect Dom, the one he wants to kneel before, the one he cannot ever have.

He reaches up and tugs at the necklace, twining his fingers around the little padlock. He doesn't hear the door open behind him, lost in the haze and deep in his headspace. He doesn't register that he is not alone until he hears the deep, familiar voice speak his name.

"Hello, Jacob."

He turn and smiles, as strong arms encircle him. He is safe, warm, and secure. Contentment… It is what he wants, what he needs. This one, the one he wants, the one he can never have. He clutches at the leather jacket, smells the scent, familiar, it means one thing, one person and then he speaks…

"Hello, Caleb."


	3. Chapter 3

Something I Can Never Have

Chapter Three

Caleb stared straight ahead at the desolate, snow-covered streets of late-night Tacoma, Washington. The wipers made an irritating scrape across the windshield as he waited impatiently for the traffic light to change to green. He glanced over at his younger brother who sat with his feet drawn up in the passenger seat, leaning against the window and tracing the path of melting snowflakes on the glass with the tip of his finger.

Jacob looked just like every other nineteen year old boy Caleb knew. He was dressed in jeans, worn sneakers, a black hooded sweatshirt and leather jacket. His long hair spilled out from under his red, skater cap that was pulled down over his ears. His face, bathed in the muted glow of the streetlights that shone through the car windows, seemed so innocent. It was hard for Caleb to believe that less than an hour ago, that boy sitting next to him, had managed to seduce an entire roomful of hardcore dominants in an upscale BDSM club on the outskirts of Tacoma.

Caleb sighed and drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, pausing to shift gears as he pulled away from the intersection. "You hungry?" he asked, trying to keep the tone of his voice somewhat civil. Jacob shook his head no without turning to face Caleb. He has been silent since they got in the car. Once the initial excitement of seeing Caleb wore off, Jacob had been rather subdued. Caleb knew his visit was unexpected but he did not imagine he would have a situation like this to deal with. He had helped Jacob get dressed at the club and then picked him up and carried him out to the warm, waiting Mercedes sedan.

Not a word had passed between them since. Caleb was furious. His business partner and co-owner of the club, Charlie Swan had promised to look after Jacob. Charlie had allowed Jacob to put on that sultry show. Caleb had no doubt that Charlie was thinking of the fact that Jacob packed the house when he performed. The bottom line was of course important to Caleb but Jacob was much more important than money. He would have to have a rather unpleasant conversation with Charlie about this situation tomorrow. For tonight, he had Jacob to deal with.

Caleb pulled into the underground parking garage below the luxury, high-rise apartment complex that he owned a pent house suite in. Neither one of them spoke in the elevator up to the apartment. Caleb let them in and locked the door behind them, flipping on the lights as he shrugged out of his coat and scarf and hung them up in the entryway closet. He helped Jacob out of his jacket and hung it up too, then stood quietly as the boy pulled off his hat and toed off his shoes, putting them in the bottom of the closet. Caleb tossed his keys onto the side table and turned to face his younger brother.

Jacob stood with his head down, biting his lip, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his loose jeans, pulling them down and exposing the band of his boxer briefs. Caleb had just seen quite a bit more of Jacob than that and he cleared his throat and waited for Jacob to speak.

"You're mad at me, aren't you, Caleb?" the boy asked, looking up shyly.

"Jacob, I keep this very nice apartment for you to live in, provide you with a housekeeper, driver, ample allowance and all I ask is that you keep up with your studies, your music lessons, stay out of trouble and what do I find when I come home? You, bumping and grinding on the stage of the club! What were you thinking? Oh, and the drugs in your system, where the hell did you get those?" Caleb demanded.

At first Jacob didn't answer, and then when he did, it was a series of stuttering sounds and partial words as he tried to get his story straight. "Caleb, I… I got them… Look, I can't tell you…" Jacob stammered off and then began again. "I only take them before I dance. They make me kind of numb to it and make me braver so I can perform. Did you see it, Caleb? Did you watch me? Was I good?"

Caleb was so taken aback by the question that for a moment, he couldn't answer. He cleared his throat again and rubbed at the back of his neck as he loosened his tie. "Jacob, there wasn't a soft cock in the room. I would say, that if it was your intention to turn on the house, you succeeded," Caleb answered.

"What about you? Were you hard? Were you turned on?" Jacob asked, sneering as he turned away and stomped into his bedroom, slamming the door. A moment later, Caleb heard the sound of the stereo as loud, techno-metal blasted from behind the closed door.

The dominant in Caleb did not take well to being shut out like that. He hesitated a moment, clenching his fists and biting at the inside of his cheek as he tried to calm down. Jacob was just a kid. He was thinking like a kid. Caleb had to be the bigger man and behave rationally. He had to lead. For the moment, he needed to calm down before he could deal with Jacob. He walked across the living room to the kitchen and poured himself a shot of whiskey. He lounged back in the recliner, tossing his tie on the coffee table. He unbuttoned his shirt and shrugged it off, then slipped out of his shoes and socks. He took another sip from the glass and lit a cigarette, then leaned back, exhaling the smoke and attempting to clear his thoughts.

The sound of his cell phone ringing drew his attention only long enough for him to give a cursory glance at the screen. Charlie, he could wait on that call, in fact, he had to wait on it. Caleb knew that he was in no state of mind to talk sensibly to his old friend and mentor. Likely, Charlie wanted to plead his case for allowing Jacob to dance. Caleb did not want to hear it. He turned off the phone and put it aside as he downed the rest of the shot glass of whiskey and took another drag off his cigarette. He was 24 years old but tonight, he felt like he was 80.

Caleb had been back east with his mother's family. He had always lived with her, visiting his father Billy Black and his little, half-brother Jacob during the summers and on holidays. Caleb's parents had met at a human rights rally in Seattle, his mother becoming pregnant rather unexpectedly. She had returned to Ipswich, Massachutes and lived with her family. Caleb had always gone by his mother's maiden name of Danvers. He had only recently begun to hyphenate his last name to Danvers-Black. Most of the Doms and Subs at his and Charlie's club "The Black Swan", did not even know that Caleb and Jacob were related, let alone brothers.

Caleb had been hiding in the shadows, watching Jacob as he moved, cat-like across the stage, drawing all eyes after him with his hypnotic movements paired with the mesmerizing beat of the music. Caleb had listened as the Doms, most of whom he knew well, asked questions of the wait staff, demanding answers: "Who is he? Is he collared? Whose sub is he?" They all wanted a chance with Jacob. It made Caleb's blood boil and even now, safe in his apartment and miles from the club, it was all he could to not to turn back and tear heads off of shoulders.

Jacob had expressed an interest in the lifestyle almost as soon as he had discovered that Caleb was a Dominant. The secret has slipped out when Caleb had been in his first year at university and was on vacation in La-Push for a visit. He and Jacob, who had been 14 at the time, were sitting on Caleb's bed, watching a movie when Jacob noticed a BDSM magazine tucked just under the edge of Caleb's mattress. Caleb had watched while Jacob flipped through it, then when the boy had turned questioning eyes on him, Caleb had been honest.

He'd admitted to not only being gay, but being in the lifestyle and Jacob had asked a million questions. A few months later, at Christmas time, Jacob had admitted to Caleb that he too was gay and that he felt himself drawn to the submissive side of BDSM. Jacob had confessed to having been doing considerable research online. Caleb had taken his little brother under his wing and educated him on safety issues, rules, everything he felt that Jacob would need to know but Caleb had made Jacob promise not to do anything with anyone without talking to Caleb about it first.

Less than a year later, Caleb transferred to Tacoma University to be closer to Jacob and when he made an unexpected visit to La-Push late one evening, he found Billy in a foul mood, drunk and beating on Jacob. It was the last time that either of them had laid eyes on their father. Caleb packed up Jacob's meager belongings and took his 14 year old brother with him to live in his off campus apartment. Caleb had always taken care of Jacob, watched over him, provided for him. Jacob was skittish and easily frightened of things. He had always been a target for bully's when he was younger. Caleb had defended him, still defended him.

It was while living in Tacoma, that Caleb had first met Charlie Swan and been introduced to the club. Charlie had trained Caleb and been his teacher. They had become good friends and then business partners. Charlie was his dearest friend and a friend who he was, at the moment, rather disgruntled with.

He sighed again as he reached for the empty shot glass and refilled it from the whiskey bottle. His cigarette had burned down and he crushed it out in the ash tray as he took another sip from the shot glass. Jacob had grown up poor in La-Push, Caleb in the lap of luxury in Ipswich. Their lives had been so different and yet when Caleb had been visiting his father and little Jacob, his beautiful half-brother, he felt more at home than he ever had back east. He knew Jacob had gotten the shaft and perhaps that was why he was so protective. Jacob's fears and insecurities had led to Caleb's possessiveness and sometimes, Caleb knew, he took things too far but it was so hard to draw a line when Jacob seemed to want him to cross it. Caleb shook those thoughts away as dark, long-buried memories of things they had done together in the past, tried to resurface.

He had to deal with the present now and the present was waiting just behind a closed door down the hallway. Caleb went to get a shower and clear his head a bit. He needed to be in the right mindset when he confronted his brother. Jacob was not a small boy. He was tall, muscular, powerfully built, just like Caleb but Caleb was taller, stronger, and broader. Jacob could not overpower him but he could manipulate like the devil and Caleb was well aware of Jacob's usual tricks. The boy would start to play upon Caleb's sympathy, reminding Caleb of how bad Jacob's life had been compared to Caleb's. He would use that to get his way. Not tonight.

30 minutes later, Caleb stood outside Jacob's bedroom door, freshly showered, wearing a pair of silk boxers and a t-shirt and holding his wide, leather belt in one hand. The tie he had discarded earlier was looped casually around his neck. He took several steadying breaths and waited for it to come, the cloak of his domination. As it slid down over him like a cold embrace, he knew he was in the right headspace. Jacob was a submissive; Caleb had only to speak to that side of his brother to get his attention.

Caleb pushed open the door. The loud music had stopped some time ago but it was only because Jacob had put on headphones and shut out the world. The boy was sprawled across his bed on his stomach, wearing nothing but a pair of cut off sweats, flipping through the pages of a gay magazine and kicking his legs off the side of the bed. He did not even register Caleb's presence until Caleb flipped off the stereo and yanked the headphones off of him.

Jacob sat up quickly, a scowl on his face and an argument in his mouth but when he saw the look on Caleb's face, the fight died in him before he said a word. He dropped his eyes respectfully, drew his knees up Indian style and folded his hands in his lap. He refused to look up but Caleb could see Jacob staring at the belt in his hand and noticed the boy swallowing hard as he processed the situation and drew his own conclusions.

"Jacob, I brought you here, shared my life with you, this place, because I wanted to give you a better chance. I know you're growing up and that you want to learn to stand on your own but what you've been doing… I won't tolerate it. You have such amazing talent, Jacob. No first year violin student is chosen for the Tacoma Symphony Orchestra. It just doesn't happen and second chair no less! You don't need to be shaking your ass at the club every Friday to make money! You have plenty of your own now! Do you think the directors would keep you if they knew what you did with your spare time?" Caleb demanded, his hands on his hips, his head down, expression venomous.

"Caleb, don't you understand? I'm not doing it to make money! I love being at the club! Charlie takes care of me when your back east! I saw Jasper dancing one night, started asking him about it and he told me how liberating it is. I had to try it. Charlie let me dance one time with Jasper and well… It just took off from there. I'm good at it! I love doing it! I like how it makes me feel to know they're all watching me. You watched me too, Caleb. Tell me I'm no good! You can't, you liked it too, didn't you? Didn't you?" Jacob begged.

Caleb was aware immediately that the boy was doing his usual martyr manipulation. He was not going to have it tonight. "Jacob, Charlie and I will be having a nice long talk…" Caleb began.

"No! Don't you dare blame this mess on him! I asked him to let me dance! He didn't have anything to do with it except to give me permission to do it. He's your friend, Caleb! He trained you, mentored you in the life. He showed you everything and taught you so much. You owe him! Don't piss him off with your smart-ass mouth! He's bigger than you and he will kick your ass!" Jacob shouted.

"I seriously doubt it, Jacob. I don't intend to piss him off; I do intend to make my intentions clear. Where you are concerned, I make all the decisions. Not him. He's not your Dominant!"

"Neither are you!" Jacob cried, his eyes watering and his lower lip starting to quiver. Caleb knew he needed to get control of the situation and fast. "Why are you always trying to act like you own me?" Jacob asked.

"Jacob, you are my most important responsibility. I promised myself that I would always take care of you and I mean to do that. That necklace you wear around your neck is to remind me of that responsibility. I've failed you by being gone so long. I won't ever leave you alone here again. I'm moving back to Tacoma. That's what I came here to talk to Charlie about. He offered to have me work full time at the club, training new Dominants and handling the financials. I'll be living here with you all the time now. You won't be alone anymore. I'll be caring for you always." Caleb kept his voice low, speaking slowly and letting his words sink in.

Jacob sat up straighter, his face lighting up and a smile beginning at the corners of his mouth. "Do you… do you mean it, Caleb? You're really going to stay here with me all the time now?"

"Yes, Jacob. You can leave everything to me now. I'll take care of you," Caleb assured him.

"Oh, God!" Jacob cried as he jumped up and launched himself into Caleb's arms. Caleb rested his chin on top of Jacob's head and cupped the back of the boy's neck with one hand, the other wrapping around Jacob's narrow waist, pulling them close together. "I'm so… I can't believe it!" Jacob sighed in contentment as Caleb rubbed small circles on the back of the boy's neck beneath his long hair.

"Yes, boy, I'm here now. No more drugs, no more dancing. You will do as you are told; you won't have to make any more decisions. I'll take care of everything. You have only to please me. Will that make you happy?" Caleb asked, cupping Jacob's chin in his hand and raising the boy's face so he could look into those big, brown eyes.

"Yes," Jacob sighed, closing his eyes tightly. Caleb bent and pressed a kiss to Jacob's forehead, then pushed the boy away gently. "Now then, your punishment…" Caleb said.

"Yes, I know I deserve it, Sir," Jacob said respectfully, lowering his eyes. Caleb didn't fail to notice that Jacob had slipped and addressed him as 'Sir', a term used to imply Master. Caleb filed it away, he would think about it later. For now, he had a boy to punish.

"Go to your bed, lay face down and put your hands above your head."

Jacob quickly complied with Caleb's demand. Caleb moved to sit down beside Jacob and pulled his tie from around his neck, then drew Jacob's wrists together, wrapping the tie around them and looping it through the rungs of the headboard. He made the knots secure then ran his hands down Jacob's bound arms to the back of his neck where he swept the boy's long hair over one shoulder so he could watch Jacob's face as he punished him.

"Do you understand why you are being punished, boy?" Caleb asked as he brushed the tips of his fingers slowly over Jacob's shoulders and down the center of his back. He stopped just at the band of Jacob's cut off sweats and felt the boy suck in a ragged breath as he formulated his answer.

"Yes, I'm being punished for disappointing you and acting without your permission, for dancing at the club and taking narcotics. I'm sorry that I made you angry," Jacob answered, his voice beginning to shake.

"Jacob, discipline is good for you. It helps you to remember not to make mistakes and to avoid displeasing the one who is your caretaker. When I must punish you, it is to help you grow and learn from your mistakes. I don't like to hurt you. I've never raised my hand to you ever. I don't want to make a habit of this but I will if I must."

Caleb reached for the sweats and pulled then slowly down, tossing them to the floor. He bent to pick up his belt and folded it over once, then raised it up. He took a deep breath then brought it down quickly and with no warning. Jacob gasped for breath and tensed his muscles, the wide, pink stripe rising angrily across his muscular buttocks. He clenched his hands tightly and tried to breathe through the sting. Caleb did not give him a chance to adjust before he rained down two more hard blows. Jacob moaned in pain, pushing his face into the pillow to muffle his sounds as the painful blows continued to fall. Caleb was not keeping count. His arm was steady, the force even as he moved, over the boy's thighs, across his ass, keeping the movements the same as he went. Jacob was crying. Caleb could hear him gasp and sob with each measured blow.

"Please, please, stop! It hurts!" Jacob begged, his voice muffled in the pillow.

"Jacob, spankings hurt and they don't stop just because you think they should," Caleb answered as he continued.

"Ahhh, I'm sorry… Please… Please, God!" Jacob stammered.

"Enough? Have you learned your lesson?" Caleb asked.

"Yes, yes, I… Oh, God, please…" Jacob trailed off, sobbing into the pillow.

"You are being punished to help center you. So you will remember who is in charge of you. It pleases me that you are willing to take it, Jacob. You do want to please me, don't you, boy?"

Jacob snubbed and tried to stop crying as Caleb began to slowly ease up on the blows, lightening them and increasing the seconds between them.

"Yes, I do want to please you," Jacob said, his voice calmer, steadier. His breathing was more even, the sobs with only every third breath or so.

"You do please me, boy," Caleb whispered as he dropped the belt and sat down on the side of the bed. He pushed Jacob's damp, sweaty hair off of his face and used the tips of his fingers to brush the tears away. Caleb leaned down and kissed the top of Jacob's head, sliding his hand slowly down the boys' back. "You are a good boy, Jacob. You make me very proud. You just forgot your place. I can be so good to you."

"So good to me, so good…" Jacob was deep in his headspace, eyes closed, body relaxed. Caleb brushed his fingertips over the red, swollen skin on Jacob's thighs and his perfect, little ass.

"You mark up well, sweetheart. I'm happy you took it for me. Charlie been training you?" Caleb asked.

"No, Sir. No one has ever touched me. Only you."

"Are you telling me… Jacob, are you a virgin?" Caleb asked, working to keep the surprise out of his voice.

"Yes, you told me never to trust anyone. I don't," Jacob answered as he rolled onto his side and propped himself up on one elbow to look up at Caleb.

Caleb schooled his features, keeping them flat and emotionless. "Jacob, I should not have doubted you but I don't understand. Why haven't you found a Dom to love you?"

"None of the ones Charlie recommended were exactly what I was looking for. I just… I don't know, I guess I compare them all to you and none of them add up. I wanted to find someone like you."

Jacob was looking at him with such open trust. The boy needed him like he needed food and water. Jacob could not survive without Caleb and he knew it. Caleb reached down and brushed his fingers over Jacob's sweet, full mouth. "You know I love you, boy," he whispered.

"I love you too, Caleb," Jacob answered.

Caleb scooped Jacob up in his arms and carried him through the living room and into the master suite. He tossed Jacob down on the bed and left to go turn out the lights and set the security alarm on the door. When Caleb returned, Jacob had crawled beneath the fluffy comforter and propped himself up against the headboard. Caleb closed the door and flipped off the lights, walking slowly toward the bed where Jacob waited for him. He hesitated a moment, then pulled his t-shirt over his head and threw it aside. He slid beneath the blanket and switched off the light on the bedside table.

"Come here, sweetheart. Let me hold you, boy," Caleb said as he reached for Jacob.

Jacob curled up against Caleb; his arm lay across Caleb's chest and his leg thrown over his thighs. Caleb could feel Jacob's half-hard cock pressing against his hip through his silk boxers. The boy was warm and naked and in his arms. Caleb felt his own cock stirring and he swallowed hard, trying to will it to stay soft. No use in engaging in incestuous fantasies about his little brother like that. It wouldn't help anything. As Jacob's breathing began to slow and he drifted off to sleep, Caleb wrapped his arms tighter around the boy and brushed his lips against Jacob's forehead.

"I'm here now, Jacob. I'll never leave you alone again. I'll take care of you. I'll be your…" Caleb did not finish his thought. He could not be what Jacob needed though he wanted to be with all his heart and soul.


	4. Chapter 4

Something I Can Never Have

Chapter Four

When Caleb woke that morning, the first sensation he became aware of was the emptiness of the bed next to him. Jacob was gone. He must have gotten up sometime in the night and returned to his own room. Caleb sat up and stretched, glancing at the alarm clock on the bedside table. The red, digital numbers told him that he had slept way too late. It was 10 AM already and he had places to go, people to rage at.

He sat up and stretched, reaching for his cigarettes and lighting up his morning smoke. Caleb knew it was a nasty habit, he knew he ought to stop but he knew also, that he never would. At least, not unless Jacob asked him to. Jacob, where was that boy? Caleb got up and walked across the thick, white carpet and down the hallway, stopping to relieve himself in the bathroom. That was when he saw the note taped to the bathroom mirror.

"Caleb,

I had to go to practice this morning. I won't be home till around 5pm or so. Hope you slept well. About last night, I'm sorry that I made you angry. We can talk about it when I get home but there are some things I need to say to you and I hope you'll understand. Anyway, I'll see you later.

Love Jacob"

Things they had to talk about… That didn't sound good to Caleb. He ran his fingers through his hair, pushing it back out of his eyes and sighed. Well, at least he could take care of the first part of his plan for the day, confront Charlie.

About an hour later, Caleb pulled up in front of the 'Black Swan' and handed his keys to the valet. The man at the front doors opened them for Caleb and nodded to him. "Good morning, Sir," he said as he took Caleb's coat and scarf from him.

"Is Mr. Swan in?" Caleb asked.

"Yes, Sir, he's in his office doing paperwork, I believe."

"Thank you," Caleb answered, turning to make his way across the club's empty dance floor.

Edward Cullen, the bartender, had just arrived and was setting up the bar, flipping on the overhead lights and preparing for the day.

"Morning, Mr. Danvers, Sir," he called when he noticed Caleb. "Can I get you a drink?"

"Yes, please, a scotch on the rocks and make it a double," Caleb answered. He took a seat at the bar and waited while Edward prepared his drink and handed it over to him.

"Everything all right, Sir?" Edward asked with concern.

Caleb sighed and shook his drink a bit, settling the ice before he took a sip. "Edward, how long has Jacob been dancing here on Friday nights? Oh, and is that the only night he dances?"

"Yes, Sir, he only dances on Friday's and he only does one performance, no encores. I guess he's been doing it now for about three months, more or less. At first he danced with Jasper during his routines but then he just started doing it on his own. Jasper's good but… well, Jacob is just a natural. We absolutely sell out the main floor when he dances. Doms come in who haven't visited the club in weeks just to watch him. He really is something…" Edward trailed off when he noticed the seething expression on Caleb's face.

"Did Charlie ever try to stop him?" Caleb asked, attempting to keep his tone civil.

"I, um… look, Sir, I really wouldn't know…" Edward stammered, becoming suddenly very interested in a spot on the bar he was polishing with his dust cloth.

"Liar, you know every God damn thing that goes on in this place you little gossiper! Now spill it! Did Charlie try to stop him or did he encourage it?" Caleb demanded, reaching across the bar and grabbing Edward by the front of his white, button up shirt.

"That'll be enough of that shit, Caleb. Just because you own half the club, that doesn't give you leave to abuse the wait-staff. Let go of him," Charlie Swan's demanding voice uttered behind Caleb.

Caleb released Edward and swiveled on his barstool to face his mentor. Charlie was as tall as Caleb and just as powerfully built. He was in his mid-forties but he was in a hell of a good shape for a man his age. He didn't take shit from anyone, Caleb included and for that reason, Caleb respected him. Today, however, their long-standing friendship would most likely be tested.

"Office, now!" Charlie demanded and Caleb stood up and followed after him, glancing back to find Edward watching them. Caleb shot Edward a fiery look and Edward immediately lowered his eyes, returning to his task of polishing the bar.

Charlie led the way through the twisting and turning back halls to his richly appointed office. It sat directly across the hall from the one occupied by Caleb. Charlie closed and locked the doors behind them and picked up the phone to notify the front desk that he was to have no disturbances and to have security post a man in the hallway that led to the private offices prohibiting anyone from getting access to him and Caleb while they talked.

Caleb took a seat in a lounge chair in front of Charlie's desk, throwing one of his big legs up over the cushioned arm of the chair and assuming his usual slouched position. He did it more for effect than anything else, his heavy, black boot dragging his foot down as he kicked it listlessly in the air.

Charlie laughed as he poured himself a drink and turned to face Caleb. "You know, when Jacob comes in here with something to hash out with me, he sits just like that in that same chair? Strange how no one in this club has put two and two together about you boys and figured out that you're brothers. Maybe you don't' want anyone to know?" Charlie looked at Caleb over the top of his glass and Caleb fought the urge to squirm beneath that hard stare. Charlie was an expert Dom and he knew exactly how to play mind-fucking games.

"Why the hell would I not want people to know that?" Caleb demanded, meeting Charlie's stare with one of his own, meaning to seem as intimidating as his old teacher.

"If I had to wager a guess, I'd say it's because you want them to think he belongs to you," Charlie replied without missing a beat.

Caleb's face twisted into a mask of disbelief. "What exactly are you insinuating, Charlie?" he gasped.

"I'm not insinuating anything, Caleb. I'm saying it right out. You want all the Doms here to believe that Jacob is your sub so they'll keep their hands off him. That necklace you bought him, come the fuck on, Caleb! It's a slave collar and don't try to argue with me! How many other subs around here are wearing one exactly like it? Yeah, it's not a leather collar but that necklace with a padlock is about as conventional as I can think of when you want a collared slave but need to be clandestine about it so the "real world" won't be suspicious. We in the lifestyle know what it means. Every Dom who watches him dance here knows what it means. You want them to think he's yours. Think you're doing him a favor do ya?"

Caleb was thunderstruck. He sat up, swinging his leg over the arm of the chair and planting his feet solidly in case he needed to get up quickly. "What the fuck do you take me for, Charlie? Do you think I'm screwing my little brother?" Caleb shouted.

"Keep your damn voice down! You want security to hear you? I never said you were screwing him, Caleb. What's the matter, boy? Got a guilty conscious?" Charlie asked, again with the stare that could melt any submissive. Caleb was not a submissive.

"What the fuck did you mean by letting him dance anyway? Fucking hell, Charlie! I asked you to watch out for him while I was back east, not pimp him the hell out!" Caleb hissed, lifting his glass and taking a big swig of the scotch, loving the burn it made as it slid down his throat and calmed his nerves.

"Who the fuck do you think you're talking to, Caleb Danvers?" Charlie demanded, then before Caleb knew what was happening, Charlie charged around the desk and grabbed Caleb by the collar of his shirt, yanking him to his feet and shoving him up against the wall, face first.

"You apologize for taking that tone with me, boy!" Charlie demanded, shoving Caleb's chest hard against the wall and rattling the pictures in their frames.

"I'm… I'm sorry, Sir," Caleb mumbled, hating that Charlie had put him to the wall. Charlie was the only living person that Caleb would ever allow to do something like that to him.

"Jacob is 19 years old, legal and able to make his own decisions! He wanted to dance, he's good at it and it makes him feel good about himself. No one ever goes backstage after it. He has security around him at all times and no one would dare to try anything. You know the Doms here, Caleb. They're first class men. None of them would hurt him. Not that he'll ever know that for himself since you won't let him play. You fucked with his head so much that he won't trust anyone but me and I'm sure as hell not gonna scene with him! He's the only virgin in this place and if you ask me, it's asinine! You try to control every little aspect of that boy's life to the point of brain washing him. Why, Caleb? He is a submissive! He wants it, needs it and you've made him doubt everything about the life!"

"He's in this life because of me! He wouldn't have even known anything about it if not… Fuck this!" Caleb yelled and tried to push back against Charlie but he was held fast and hard against the wall. "Let me go, God damn it!" he gasped, angrily.

"Not a chance in hell. Take off your shirt!" Charlie demanded.

"Fuck!" Caleb hissed as he reached for the buttons on his shirt and undid them with shaking fingers.

"Every time you disrespect me, you lose another item of clothing. Now, let's investigate this a little deeper. You say you're the cause of his deviance? Why? He told me you showed him magazines and talked about being a Dominant when he was younger. He said you admitted to being gay when he found the magazines under your bed. I asked him to tell me why he believed he was a submissive and he said his life never made sense until you talked to him about the lifestyle and then he knew the feelings he had were based on something solid that he could identify with. You say it's your fault but Caleb; he was born the way he is, just as you were. You're on one side of the coin, he's on the other. Why do you think it's your fault?"

"I showed him those magazines! I told him I was gay! If I hadn't done that… Charlie he looked up to me, I was his hero! He always wanted to be just like me. I influenced him…"

"So now you think you can make it all up to him for twisting his life around by becoming a control freak?" Charlie asked.

"Charlie, did you know he was taking narcotics before he went on to dance?" Caleb asked, turning his head slightly but not quite meeting Charlie's eyes.

"No, Caleb, I didn't know that. I wish you'd told me that first."

"Well, I would have but you wouldn't let me…"

"Knock it off, Caleb! You were being a disrespectful son of a bitch and I don't tolerate that shit! I suppose you took them away from him?"

"He told me the bottle was in his locker here. He said he only ever took them just before he danced and claimed he only took one. I guess we need to go get into that locker." Caleb answered.

"We'll do it in a minute. More about this shit for now. We need to…"

"Can I at least sit down before you grill me?" Caleb interrupted.

"Shoes off now!" Charlie yelled, pushing Caleb back against the wall. "I said no disrespect!"

Caleb sighed and toed off his shoes, putting his forehead up against the wall and clasping his hands together behind his back.

"You'll be naked soon, if you don't knock it off! Now, more about this feeling of guilt you have. What did you do to him last night after you got him home?"

"I… I tried to talk to him but he wouldn't listen. He got lippy with me so I calmed down, then I…" Caleb took a deep breath and dropped his shoulders. "I used the belt on him."

"You did what?" Charlie cried. "You belted him?"

"Yes, Sir. I tied his wrists to the headboard of the bed and beat his ass with my belt."

"Was he naked?" Charlie asked, veins popping out on his forehead.

"Yes, Sir, he was only wearing cut off sweat pants. I took them off of him before I used the belt."

"How many times did you hit him?" Charlie demanded.

"I… I don't know. Until he went into the right headspace and I could talk sense into him. I slowed it up and then gradually stopped it. Then I was able to talk to him, explain my case."

"So you're telling me you stripped your little brother naked, tied him to his bed and beat him into submission? And you think that's ok?"

Caleb turned to face Charlie, startled by the look on his friends face. Charlie was livid. Caleb had never before been on the receiving end of Charlie's wrath, at least not like this.

"Charlie, you don't understand, Jacob and I, we've always had a very close relationship. He wants to be looked after. He needs someone to make his decisions and help him like that. He's helpless to do the right thing. He has always been like that…"

"Oh cut the crap, Caleb! You tell yourself that shit to justify the way you treat him! He was doing just fine before you came back! He was making friends here at the club, Jasper, Edward, other submissives. He was just beginning to get a little confidence back and then you show up! I asked you to come home and help run this club because I thought it was what you wanted. I thought it would be a good idea for you to be closer to Jacob since he did miss you but hell! I had no idea I was inviting a slave driver back to be a hellion over the boy!"

"You don't know him, Charlie! I'm exactly what he needs! I know what he needs. I can be what he needs!" Caleb insisted, almost frantically.

"Can you hear yourself, boy? You sound like a schizophrenic! Jacob is an adult male. He has his own life! Why are you trying to run it! Let him live! He has a good head on his shoulders. He goes to class, keeps up with his practices, does the performances with the symphony and then plays here to relax. He's not in trouble. If there is some drug use going on, then yes, it needs to stop but the rest of it… I don't understand your need to be in control."

"He needs me!" Caleb insisted. "Just ask him! He'll tell you! You should have seen the way he molded himself to me after I punished him. He wanted to be held, caressed, and taken care of. He's the perfect submissive and I'm the perfect Dom for him…" Caleb went silent, the gravity of the words he'd just spoken washing over him. "Jesus!" he gasped.

"Yeah, Jesus! Hear yourself? You want him to be your submissive don't you?"

"It's not like that, Charlie, I mean… I've never touched him in a sexual way… I mean, not like in a scene… Oh fuck!" Caleb broke down, his hands unclasping and coming up to cover his face. "Not since we were younger, I've never touched him since I brought him to live with me. I used to… when he lived with Billy… I used to go into his room at night when Billy was asleep. When Jacob was like maybe 13 and I was 18, I would… you know, do things with him. But I never hurt him! I swear it! I never did anything to hurt him. I just jerked him off, just touched him. He always pretended he was asleep. We never spoke about it, we never have. It was just boys playing around, that's all… I didn't hurt him, Charlie!" Caleb insisted.

Charlie stepped back and put his hand in the center of Caleb's back. "Why didn't you ever tell me this before?" he asked.

"I don't know," Caleb mumbled.

"Not good enough, I don't want pat answers! Why didn't you ever tell me about this? You do understand that what you did to him constitutes molestation?"

"No, God damn it! He liked it! He always came, I made sure of it! He would have asked me to stop if…"

"If what, Caleb? If he didn't like it? You said yourself that he had a hero worship thing going on with you. He wouldn't have asked you to stop. Not even if he wanted to! Did you hold him down? Did you tie him up?"

"No, I never tied him up! I might have held his hands above his head but… I let go of him at the end and he would touch himself for me… I… If he started to moan or get loud, I would… Oh fuck… Charlie… don't make me talk about this shit!" Caleb cried, banging his forehead against the wall.

"Stop that shit!" Charlie demanded, grabbing the back of Caleb's head by his hair and holding him still. "Go on, you would what?"

"I would… I would put my hand over his mouth so Billy wouldn't hear!" Caleb shouted. "He couldn't' have told me to stop! He couldn't have! Sometimes after it was over and I was in my room beside his room, I could hear him crying through the thin walls. Oh God, Charlie, Oh God… I fucked up my baby brother and I'm still hurting him by controlling his life! What the hell is wrong with me? I thought he liked it cause he would always cum. Just like I did… Just like I did when she…" Caleb sank to the ground at Charlie's feet and couldn't speak. His breath caught in his throat.

"She? Who is she, Caleb? Tell me!" Charlie demanded, kneeling beside Caleb on the floor.

"My… my mother. She was so lonely. She wanted someone to love her but no one would have her after she came home with me. None of those old money bastards would even touch her. We were all alone in that big, old house together. She leaned on me. I helped her to bed if she drank too much. She… sometimes she would let me sleep with her. She would tell me things, how beautiful I was. She would let me touch her; ask me to… she was so pretty, so young. No one would love her. I had to do it. I had to… she never talked about it after it was done. She would tell me to go back to my room. Sometimes, she would hit me and scream at me for doing it after she asked me to do it. I just wanted to make her feel better."

"Is that what you thought you were doing for Jacob? Making him feel better?" Charlie asked.

"I wanted to make him feel good. I never wanted him to cry."

"You used sex to make him feel better because that was what your mother expected of you? Is that it, Caleb?" Charlie asked, running his hand soothingly through Caleb's hair.

"I guess… I didn't know, Charlie, I thought… fuck it!" Caleb sat up and pulled away from Charlie. "I came over here to confront you about letting Jacob dance. I didn't come here to be attacked and then broken by you."

"I should have done this a long time ago, Caleb. Every one of us in this place is broken or damaged in some way. I always believed you were the exception but I was wrong. Tell me, Caleb, do you dominate him at your apartment? Have you taken him up to the playroom and scened with him?"

"No, of course not! He's never even seen the inside of that room. I keep it locked!" Caleb answered.

Charlie sighed and ran his hand over his eyes. "It's only a matter of time…" He mumbled as he stepped away and sat down in one of the chairs. "Caleb, I was worried about you and Jacob after a long talk I had with him one evening when he'd had too much to drink. I brought him here and he started rambling on about how much he missed you and how his life was empty when you were gone. I was trying to help him get over that but now I can see that there was more going on beneath the surface.

"You and Jacob are like moths to each other's flame. Both of you providing for the other exactly what is absent in your lives. It's a dangerous situation and if you don't get help for it, Caleb, it's going to lead to full blown incest. It may already be too late. I'm not trying to judge you. I realize you went through some shit with your mother and all and I know Billy used to beat on Jake there at the end. You're both damaged and you lean on each other too much. If this goes on unchecked, you're going to end up fucking him. You haven't already done that, have you?"

"No!" Caleb shouted. "I'm not going to fuck Jacob!"

"I sincerely hope not. Listen, you aren't going to tell him that he can't dance anymore. We're starting with that for now. You won't forbid him from coming here, you won't tell him that he can't scene with the Doms if he chooses to and you are going to take that damn necklace off of him! I'm telling you this, right now, Caleb. He is not your submissive and you are not his Dom! Do you understand me?"

"Yes, I understand. But, Charlie… You don't tell me what the fuck to do!" Caleb said, setting his jaw. He grabbed his shoes, shoved his feet into them and picked up his shirt. "I'm leaving and don't even try to stop me! You don't know me. You think I would do something to hurt Jacob when he is my whole life? My entire reason for living?"

"Caleb, don't walk out of this office!" Charlie shouted.

Caleb ignored Charlie and slipped his shirt on as he twisted the locks and threw open the door. He buttoned his shirt as he made his way down the hallway and past the security guard. He glanced back and saw Charlie staring after him. He charged through the main room, ignoring Jasper and Edward at the bar and yelled for the valet to bring his car. He lit a cigarette while the attendant helped him into his coat and scarf, and then yanked the keys away from the valet, tossing him a few bills.

All the way back across town, Caleb struggled not to plow into another car, distracted as he was with Charlie forcing that confession out of him. He was so conflicted with his own emotions that he could barely keep his car between the yellow lines. He needed to talk to Jacob; he needed to hear it directly from the boy what he wanted. There was only one way to do that.

Caleb pushed open the door to the apartment and slammed it behind him. He sank into the couch cushions and drew his knees up against his chest. He had nearly 6 hours to kill before Jacob returned. That was too long. He had to calm down, sort out his feelings and decide what the next step would be. Charlie had been wrong about some things but about others, he had been right on. Caleb knew that Charlie was just trying to help but where Jacob was concerned, he, Caleb, was the only authority.

He fished his cell from his pocket and sent Jacob a text: "Jake, cut out of there, I need you now."

It was a few minutes before the reply came back: "Is everything ok? What's up?"

"Just get here, can U?"

"Yep, on my way."

Caleb settled down again, his breathing beginning to slow, his nerves calming. He knew what he had to do. He pulled the key to Jacob's necklace out of his shirt and unfastened the necklace that he kept it on. He laid it on the coffee table and then took the key to his playroom off his keychain and laid it beside the key to the necklace. When Jacob came home, he would let the boy choose.


	5. Chapter 5

Something I Can Never Have

Chapter Five

A/N: Ok, so for those who are reading this fic, I wanted to make one thing perfectly clear. I am in no way condoning molestation or abuse in any form. I have studied the statistics on brother/brother abuse and the facts are that most boys never admit the abuse. Many of them confess that they didn't consider it abuse at the time because they did enjoy it physically and that produces the damning confusion that always perpetuates the silence. This fic is a special request from a good friend of mine who went through this as a teen and this fic is for him, a catharsis of all that emotional stress that he never got out. He doesn't review publically and his right to remain anonymous is important to me. Please keep your hurtful comments to yourself if you don't understand. Just don't read it. As for the rest of you who do understand, thanks so much for being the kind hearted and considerate friends all of you are. I thank you and so does the guy who I'm doing this for.

_"You make this all go away_

_I'm down to just one thing_

_I'm starting to scare myself_

_You make this all go away_

_I just want something I can never have"_

Caleb sat silently staring at the flickering flames in the gas insert of the fireplace. He had received the return text from Jacob indicating that he was on the way back to the apartment and depending on the traffic situation, it could take anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour. It had already been nearly 20 minutes. Caleb was nervous and as a Dom, that did not set well with him. Jacob had two choices before him and each one of those choices was fraught with its own perils. Of course, the boy could always refuse to choose either one.

When the sound of the lock in the front door being turned caught Caleb's attention, he sat up and forced himself to relax at least visibly. It would do no good for Jacob to see Caleb looking like he was not in control. The boy stepped into the apartment and hurriedly shed his coat and gloves and leaned his violin case against the side table. He took one look at Caleb who flashed him a reassuring smile before he ran across the room and sat down on the couch.

"What is it, Caleb? You look like you've been crying," Jacob observed, pausing to run the tips of his fingers beneath Caleb's reddened eyes.

"No, I'm ok. I just had a long discussion with Charlie and he forced me to talk about some things that were… hard to face. It made me emotional. I needed to see you because we have things we have to talk about too. Charlie made some good points and I just need to understand how you feel. I've always assumed that I knew what was best for you and that just isn't the case anymore. Jacob, you are an adult and it's time I stopped treating you like a child…" Caleb stopped talking when he noticed the look of utter distress forming on Jacob's face.

"Don't' say that to me!" Jacob yelled, standing up and taking a step back from Caleb. "You promised me! You said you'd take care of me! Are you going to let him talk you out of that now! You can't! You don't mean it!"

"Jacob, calm down! Sit back down and at least let me finish what I have to say. You left a note on the bathroom mirror for me this morning telling me you needed to talk to me. I'm listening now. Say whatever it is you need to say to me and don't be afraid. I'm not going to leave you unless that's something you want," Caleb attempted to assure him.

Jacob took a deep breath and then sat back down beside Caleb but the boy was noticeably tense and when his eyes chanced upon the two keys on the coffee table, he got even more anxious. "Is that the key to my necklace?" he asked, his hand moving involuntarily up to grasp the little padlocked chain around his neck.

"Yes, it is. We'll talk about that in a minute. First, what was it you wanted to tell me?"

"I just wanted you to know that I took everything you said last night seriously. I wanted you to know that I plan on trying to do better and to be good. I know how hard you've worked so I could have this good life you gave me. I don't want you to be disappointed in me so I'll change my life to better suit whatever it is you want me to be…"

"Absolutely not, you will not change anything about your life except for the drug use! Charlie was right. I shouldn't have told you that you can't dance anymore." Caleb ran his fingers through his hair and sighed, then reached out and put his hand on Jacob's knee. "Do you still want to dance? I mean, is it something you enjoyed and be honest. It doesn't matter what I think. Did you like it?"

Jacob hesitated a moment, biting at his lower lip and worrying it between his teeth. "Well, I did like the way it made me feel. I mean, it was safe. No one could touch me but I could… you know… turn everyone on without having to touch them or be touched by them. I could still belong to…" Jacob paused and looked up at Caleb, his big, brown eyes almost sorrowful as he regarded his older brother. "Did it really make you angry, Caleb?" he asked.

"I'll be honest with you, Jacob, since you were honest with me. It made me insane with jealousy. I sat there watching all those other Doms looking at you like you were a piece of meat, jerking off under the tables, touching their subs and wishing it was you they were touching. You have no idea how fucking hard it was for me not to just stomp up to that stage, grab you, throw you over my shoulder, turn around and face that room and growl "MINE!" at the top of my fucking lungs!" Caleb felt the color flow into his face and he could not believe that he had just made that confession. He couldn't meet Jacob's soulful eyes though the boy was still staring at him intently. Caleb fought the urge to give way to the emotion that was pooling just beneath the surface. He had to remain calm.

"You wanted to tell them I was yours?" Jacob asked.

"Yes, I didn't want any of them to think they could ever touch you. None of them will ever be good enough for you in my mind but that's just because you're my baby brother. Try to understand, Jacob. Ever since the day you were born, the first time I held you in my arms when I was only 5 years old, I've felt a responsibility to keep you safe. It drives me mad if I think anyone is hurting you. It makes it so hard for me to be out of your site. Everytime I leave to go back east, I'm tormented the whole time with worry over you, if you're safe, happy. I know it's a problem I have with obsessing over you but I just can't help it. I think your complacent attitude has only made it easier for me to manipulate and control you to the point that you think you can't be on your own. Tell me, sweetheart, do you ever feel like I'm smothering you?"

Jacob shook his head no immediately and reached out to touch the side of Caleb's face. "Please look at me," he begged and Caleb turned to face him, dark brown eyes locking onto dark brown eyes, so alike and yet so different. "You know I've never been a strong person, Caleb. I've learned to depend on you maybe and I guess some would say that's a bad thing but I don't think so. What difference does it make to others how we live as long as it works for us? We aren't hurting anyone with it. I need you, Caleb! You know that! Please don't talk about turning me loose or making me learn to live without you forever cause I don't even want to think like that!"

"Come here, sweetheart," Caleb encouraged, reaching for Jacob and pulling the boy into his lap. Jacob wiggled around until he was kneeling across Caleb's lap, facing him. He pushed his arms around Caleb's back between him and the couch and laid his head on Caleb's shoulder, pressing his face against his neck. Jacob relaxed physically against Caleb and let out a contented sigh. "It's going to be ok, I promise," Caleb vowed. "I just need to understand how you feel about some things. We need to talk about some other stuff but I know you'll not want to so if you can't say anything, at least please listen, ok?"

"Ok," Jacob mumbled against Caleb's neck but didn't look up.

"Remember when I used to come into your room at night, when you still lived with Billy? Remember that?" Caleb asked.

Jacob tensed up again but didn't move away. He remained silent and wouldn't answer so Caleb continued. "The things I used to do to you, Jacob, the way I would touch you? You know that was wrong of me to do that, don't you? I should have known better. I was 18 and you were only 13, 14 at most. It was molestation and I realize that now. I need you to know why I did it."

"Don't, Caleb," Jacob begged, wrapping his arms tighter around Caleb and nearly restricting his air. "Don't talk about that!"

"I have to. I need you to understand…"

"Stop it! Just stop it, ok? I don't want to talk about it! You're going to try and make it a bad thing and I didn't see it that way! Ok, so it makes me a freak, right? It makes me a gross, freak of nature because I liked it! No, I loved it! It confused me, yeah, sometimes I cried about it because I knew I was a freak since I liked it. Why did I like it so much? I don't know but I did, ok! So please don't try to make it a bad thing, please, please, please don't!" Jacob was shaking and holding himself tightly against Caleb.

"Jacob, it doesn't make you a freak! I've done a lot of research on this kind of thing and many times, the victim enjoys the attention, the physical feeling of it but the mental fall out is the bad part. You said you think you're a freak because you liked it. Do you still feel like you're a freak?"

"Yes, I do feel like I'm a freak, Caleb because I am! I'm a deviant freak who likes the idea of submitting sexually and emotionally to another man. I love the idea of being spanked, flogged, humiliated, and made to obey someone else, another man, a stronger man. I want it, I crave it. I want to be someone's everything. I have to have it and no, before you even go there, it's not your fault. I knew I was 'different' even before you told me you were a gay dominant. It had nothing to do with what you did to me when we were kids. Incidentally, I always felt like it was something we did together, not something you did to me!"

"Jacob…"

"No, don't say it! Don't say the way I am is your fault!" Jacob pushed against Caleb and sat back, staring hard at him. Caleb had to struggle not to suck in a breath. The visual of Jacob so emotionally distraught was arousing the Dom in him and he needed to focus. He had to be the strong one.

"Damn it, Jacob, listen to me for a second! I need you to know about something that happened to me when I was only 15. My mother, she used to… she depended on me to be everything for her. She was lonely. I loved her. I was her lover. Do you understand what I'm saying to you? I was her lover! I believed that was the way you made people feel better. I always thought that was what was expected of me to do in a situation where someone I loved was hurting. When I touched you… I guess I didn't' understand at the time but I do now. I was abused. I was abusing you and I did it with the delusion that I was making you feel good…"

"You did make me feel good, damn it! Why can't you understand me? I'm not stuttering! I know exactly how I feel! I said I didn't want to talk about that shit and you keep bringing it up! That was the past! Ok, you haven't touched me since I moved in with you, at least not until last night and that doesn't even count. I mean sexually you haven't. Sometimes I wish…"

"You wish what, Jacob?" Caleb asked, running his hand up and down Jacob's shaking back.

"I wish you would," Jacob whispered.

Caleb sighed and clutched the boy closer to him for a moment then wrapped his big hands around Jacob's biceps and held the boy out from him so he could look him in the eye.

"Jacob, if I put two choices before you and asked you to decide, would that be something you would be willing to do for me?" he asked, reaching up and brushing a few loose hairs that had come free from Jacob's pony tail back from his face.

"Yes, I'd do whatever you asked me to do," he answered.

"On the table, you will see two keys. One is the key to your necklace; the other is the key to my playroom. It's located at the top of the stairs that lead up to the rooftop pool area. I always told you that locked room was just a maintenance room for the pool. It's not. That's my own, personal playroom. I never let you inside because before you were always too young. You aren't too young anymore. I'm going to let you make the choice, Jacob. One of those keys holds your freedom from me. I'll still take care of you, provide for you financially but I won't try to live your life for you. I won't try to be your daddy or you're… or you're Dom. The other key, the one to the playroom, that key will open the door to a whole different life for you. I love you more than anything in this world. I want to be whatever it is you need me to be for you, sweetheart. If you need a protector, I'll be that, if you need a brother, I'll be that, if you need a daddy, I'll be that, if you need a Dom, I'll be that and if you need a lover…" Caleb hesitated a moment, then took a steadying breath. "I'll be everything you need me to be, baby."

Jacob turned to face the coffee table and reached out, running the tip of his fingers over the keys laid out there. His dark eyes were focused and there was not even a moment of hesitation before he took one of the keys in his hand. He climbed off of Caleb's lap and pushed the coffee table back to give himself a bit of room and then he knelt down on his knees, dropped his head and held up the key to the playroom on the palm of one hand.

"My Master," he whispered.


	6. Chapter 6

Something I Can Never Have

Chapter Six

Jacob stood in the open door staring as if in awe at the unexpected scene before him. Caleb had led the way up the utility stairs located in the back hall of the penthouse and unlocked the door to what Jacob had always believed was a maintenance room for Caleb's private, rooftop pool. Jacob had been deceived. This was his brother playroom and now it was also his to share.

"Go on in, sweetheart, look around, touch and see," Caleb encouraged, giving his younger brother a gentle nudge forward with his hand in the center of the boy's back.

Caleb watched as Jacob took a couple of hesitant steps inside and then began to turn his astonished face first one direction, then the other as he took it all in. Caleb possessed only the finest and most extravagant equipment that money could buy. His exclusive playroom was the envy of any Dom that he had ever allowed to see it. Jacob's state of near bewilderment was a testament to the attention to detail that Caleb had ensured went into the construction and furnishing of this room.

"My God," Jacob whispered. "It's… it's just… I've never seen anything like it, not even at the club. Oh, Caleb… Shit! I mean Sir!" Jacob stammered.

Caleb laughed and walked over to where his younger brother stood trembling with a mix of excitement and poorly disguised anxiety and clamped his big hand down on Jacob's shoulder. "No mistakes today and no errors. We're both learning at this point; each other's rhythms and needs. I'll go over the rules with you later this afternoon, boundaries, limits, contracts, whatever you and I require to make this work for us both. Now, this is just for fun, Jacob… my boy," Caleb finished, his tone becoming slightly possessive as he added the title of submissive.

"Yes," Jacob breathed and turned to face Caleb. He dropped to his knees and wrapped his arms around Caleb's thighs, pressing his forehead against his brother's hip. "Your boy," he sighed contentedly.

Caleb slid his hands through Jacob's hair, pulling the elastic band out of it and freeing the long, thick, black tresses. He savored the silky texture of the boy's hair as he brushed it back from Jacob's face. He cupped his brother's chin in his hand and lifted the boy's head up so he could look into those beautiful eyes.

"Look at me, boy," he commanded softly.

Jacob raised his eyes slowly, hesitant to meet his Dom's eyes even though he had been ordered to do so. Jacob truly did epitomize the perfect submissive. The moves, the rules, the nuances of it all came so easily to the boy.

"You were born to submit to me, Jacob and I was born to lead you. I've always known you were mine from the moment I first held you until you called me your Master. I promise you that I will continue to look after you and protect you as I have always done and will do. I swear to you that I will challenge you, push your limits, help you to learn what you need and then give you everything you desire so that you may grow in this lifestyle and find the freedom you long for. I will not fail you, I will love and cherish you, hold and protect you, fulfill your needs and your wishes and be for you whatever it is that you require. In turn, I expect of you only you're honest and freely given submission and love. Do you consent?"

Jacob looked deep into Caleb's eyes, his expression calm, complacent and then a smile curved up the corners of the boy's full mouth and he nodded his head. "Yes, Master, I give you my consent, my submission and my love."

Caleb snatched the boy up off his knees and crushed the slightly smaller frame against his massive one, lifting Jacob off his feet and swinging the boy around as he hugged him tightly. "Then let us begin! Would you like to play, boy?" he asked, fluffing his hands through Jacob's hair.

"If you desire to, Master," Jacob answered, dutifully dropping his eyes and going into the perfect stance, head up, eyes down, hands clasped together behind his back.

"You may be at ease, boy. Look around, see everything, and touch everything. Let me hear you, talk to me and tell me what you feel, what you think and what you want. I don't want silence from you unless I command you to be still. Never be afraid to talk to me. We never talked enough before but that's over now. What draws you?"

Jacob began to explore, moving about the room and carefully observing the set up. He touched the chains that were suspended from the ceiling, padded, leather cuffs hanging from the ends of them. He brushed his fingertips through the leather fronds of the floggers that hung from gleaming, stainless-steel hooks in the wall and carefully examined the expansive collection of paddles, whips, crops and canes that were also on display along the right wall of the room. Caleb had once jokingly called that area of his playroom, the 'wall of pain'. Jacob seemed to be drawn to it.

The boy blushed as he reached out and pressed the palm of one hand against the metal studs embedded into a black, leather-covered, wooden paddle and bit his lower lip as if in contemplation of what kind of sensation that implement would evoke from him. He jumped in surprise when Caleb's hand clamped around the back of his neck.

"Do you like that one, boy?" Caleb asked, his thumb making small circles over the warm skin.

"I was just wondering what I would have to do to deserve being hit with this wicked looking thing. I would imagine that it has quite a bite," Jacob answered, leaning back against Caleb.

"Mmm, want to find out?" Caleb asked, pulling Jacob's hair back from his neck and brushing his lips along the exposed length of it. Jacob sucked in a breath and bit down harder on his bottom lip suppressing a moan. "No, let me hear you, boy," Caleb encouraged as he slid his hands down to Jacob's hips and pulled the boy back tight against him. Caleb continued his assault on Jacob's neck, sucking on the soft skin just at the point where it joined his shoulder. As he did so, he pushed one hand down the front of Jacob's jeans and palmed him through the soft cotton of his boxer briefs, feeling the hard heat beneath.

"Oh God!" Jacob moaned, his head tilting back onto Caleb's shoulder.

"Like that, boy? Like it when I have you like this? Just wait, I can show you so much more. Strip for me. I want to look at you, see how beautiful you are," Caleb ordered, pulling his hand away and stepping back from Jacob.

Jacob turned slowly to face Caleb, his eyes dropping at the last moment and reached for the hem of his t-shirt, pulling it over his head and casting it aside. He bent down and pulled off his socks one by one then stood and unfastened his belt, his movements, slow, deliberate, putting on a show of sorts for his brother as Caleb watched.

Caleb could feel the tightening in his groin as the blood flowed there to fill his aching need. His cock was swelling against the crotch of his jeans and he resisted the urge to adjust it, knowing that even the simple act of touching himself like that might be too much stimulation for him. His control was slipping and he had to keep it in check. The Dom in him was fighting to gain the upper hand over the lover that he desperately wanted to be. Caleb realized that he would have to strive to find the balance or this situation would spiral into a complete cluster fuck.

Jacob was lowering his jeans and stepping out of them, his fingers hooking in the band of his boxer briefs; the boy hesitated for a moment as if shy, then pushed them down and stepped out of them as well. He stood, naked and blushing slightly, his arms went behind his back and he spread his legs for balance, his head was up, eyes down, shoulders back. He was on display for his Dom and what a display it was! Caleb licked his lips involuntarily, remembering the past, that forgotten past when he had touched that perfect body in the darkness of Jacob's old bedroom. Back when to do so had brought on a kind of shame that Caleb had been unable to escape. But that was the past and now things were different. There were no boundaries, no shame and nothing to stand in his way.

"Beautiful," he praised as he slowly circled Jacob, his hands twitching to touch the boy but he held back. Caleb had to be certain of his control. He worked to school his features and control the cadence of his voice; to get just the right balance of depth and huskiness to convey the meaning so that Jacob would understand on that deep submissive level of headspace. "Go stand against the wall, display for me."

Jacob moved quickly, turning and heading over to the wall. He placed his palms flat against the exposed brick and leaned back a bit, spreading his legs for balance. Caleb could see that Jacob was trembling slightly. He knew that this was the boy's first real experience in a submissive situation. Charlie had assured Caleb that Jacob had never scened with any of the Doms at the club and Caleb knew for a fact that the boy was still a virgin. He'd heard the words straight from Jacob's mouth.

"Are you frightened, boy?" Caleb asked.

"Yes, Sir, I am a little bit but I don't want to stop."

"Good, good boy!" Caleb praised as he reached for the paddle that had gotten Jacob's attention moments earlier. He ran his fingertips over the sharp, metal studs and grinned to himself. He would not need to hit very hard with this one to make his point. Jacob had shuddered when he touched it and Caleb had noticed that reaction. He always watched his submissives closely, picking up on their responses to situations and objects in the environment before they could close up and pretend to feel otherwise. He stepped to one side of Jacob and held the paddle up so that the boy could see if from the corner of his eye. "How many do you want, boy?" he asked, trying to keep the smile out of his voice.

"Oh… well… as many as you think I need, Master!" Jacob stammered.

Caleb laughed again, a low, throaty sound that caused Jacob to shiver. "I don't think you've done anything too bad have you?" he asked.

"Well, Sir, you did already punish me for being stupid…" Jacob began.

"You weren't stupid, boy. You were just without direction and I'm partially to blame for that. Rest assured, that will never happen again," Caleb interrupted as he drew back the paddle and then brought it down with a loud crack against Jacob's exposed ass.

"Fuck you, you evil bastard, Sir!" Jacob hissed, clenching up his muscles and stepping forward as if that would help him to escape.

Caleb laughed again. "Evil bastard, am I? Yes, I think you have it about right. I was a bastard, wasn't I?" Caleb let fall a second blow and felt the intense tightness in his jeans as his cock strained to get free. This would be so very much easier if he was naked but that could wait. "Like it, do you?" he asked the trembling boy in front of him as he reached out with his free hand to gently caress the reddened and slightly swollen skin.

"Yes, God damn it! It's fucking wonderful!" Jacob shouted.

"Mmm, yes, I do believe it is considering that your cock is so hard it's straining up against your belly. Want more?" Caleb teased, running the metal studs over the angry red welts left by the previous two strokes.

"Umm, yes… no… Fuck, I don't know, Sir!" Jacob moaned, struggling to stay still, picking up his feet, moving them about for purchase and then steadying himself as if in anticipation of further blows.

Caleb lay the paddle aside and moved to stand behind Jacob. He leaned up against the boy, letting Jacob feel how hard he was, grinding the crotch of his jeans against the punished, hot skin. Jacob's breath hitched and he gasped involuntarily as Caleb rubbed against him. "Feel that, boy?" Caleb asked, his voice deep, husky.

"Yes, Master, I feel how hard you are. Did you like it, watching me take that for you?" Jacob asked, grinding back against Caleb, his voice just as dangerous to Caleb's control as Caleb's voice was to his. Jacob was no fool; he knew very well how to use words and tone in this game and how quickly the things he said could raise his partner's arousal. Jacob knew the power in his voice just as he knew the sensuality of his body and the spell he could weave over his Master with them both. Caleb was as much a slave to it as Jacob was. His 'control' was just an illusion but it was an illusion they both needed.

"Are you trying to seduce me with your dirty, little mouth and that tight, virgin ass? Do you think this is my first rodeo boy?" Caleb asked, pressing his fingers against Jacob's hips to still the boy's movements. He leaned over and put his mouth against Jacob's ear as his hand snaked over the boy's flat, muscled stomach and down over his neatly trimmed curls to fist around the hard steel of Jacob's cock. "Want me to fuck you, boy?" he asked.

Jacob made no verbal response, he became very still and allowed Caleb to stimulate him, dropping his head so he could watch his brother's hand pumping his leaking cock, Caleb's thumb moving over the head and spreading the precum around for lubrication. "Answer me, boy!" Caleb demanded, tightening his fist and making the movements almost painful. "Do you want my cock?"

"Master," Jacob whispered, his head resting back against Caleb's shoulder. "I am your boy, do with me whatever you wish. How can I make you happy? How can I give you what you need?"

Again, Jacob was playing games, topping from the bottom. Caleb knew this trick well. He stepped away from Jacob causing the boy to whimper in misery at the loss of contact. He moved about the room, gathering the things he would need then returned to the boy standing spread eagle against the brick wall. Caleb took Jacob by the shoulder and turned him sharply around, watching to ensure that Jacob kept his eyes down as he was turned.

"Display again, boy and hold still while I work!" Caleb ordered.

Jacob again pushed his hands behind his back and stood up straight and Caleb moved quickly, fitting the leather, cock ring into place almost before Jacob could even register the movement. The boy's face was flushed, his breath fast, clipped, his chest heaving with the movement. Caleb could see that Jacob was struggling to remain in control. It was Caleb's job to remove that control. The cock ring was just the first step in that process. "Bed!" he ordered, gesturing to a large, ornate- looking, canopy bed in the center of the far wall. He stood watching as Jacob made his way over to it and climbed up into the center of the bed. He stretched out, cat-like down the center of it and then waited, motionless for Caleb to join him.

Caleb walked across the room, letting his boots thump against the wood floor for effect, his eyes on Jacob's face, watching for some sigh of fear, some hint of regret. "What is your safe-word, boy?" Caleb asked as he began to undo the buttons down the front of his shirt.

"Ha-le'," Jacob answered. Caleb knew it was their native word for stop. Jacob knew the language better than Caleb did but even he could recognize the connotation behind that word.

"Agreed," Caleb answered as he rolled his shirt back off his shoulders and let it fall to the floor behind him. "If you use that word, then I will do it; I'll stop."

Jacob watched Caleb with large, vivid eyes as his older brother undressed slowly and climbed into the bed beside him. "Today is just to know each other, to learn what turns us each on the most. The true submission, it will begin later. For now, I want to know you, feel you. Show me what you like and don't like, use your words, your sounds."

Caleb pulled a pair of cuffs from beneath the pillows where he always kept them and drew Jacob's wrists together above his head, locking the cuffs in place and then attaching them to a chain bound to the wall at the head of the bed. In this manner, he could turn Jacob over easily without harming his wrists, ask him to kneel up, move him into different positions and not have to remove the cuffs to do it. "I was robbed of the pleasure of hearing your sounds before, Jacob. Now I want them, I want everything."

"Yours, Master," Jacob whispered, daring to snap his head up and catch Caleb's jaw in a quick peck of a kiss as his brother moved back from locking his cuffs to the chain. The sweetness of the gesture caught Caleb off guard and he smiled down at his bound submissive.

"So beautiful, bound like this for me, wanton, needing, so beautiful…" he traced the outline of Jacob's mouth with the tip of one finger. "Always before, always it was in the darkness but not now. Now I can see you, look at you, hear you. No more pretending for us. No more hiding behind lies and innuendoes. You and I both know what this is. I want you so bad, Jacob. I've always wanted you."

"Why?" Jacob asked; daring to once again, meet Caleb's eyes though to do so as Caleb's submissive was forbidden.

"Because you are mine," Caleb answered. It was very simple; really, there was nothing else to say.

He lowered his head, keeping Jacob's black eyes locked to his as he brushed those full lips with his, then closed his eyes shutting out the bright lights of the playroom, the exposed brick, the shining, steel chains, cabinets full of toys, implements of the lifestyle, and deepened the kiss, easing his tongue into Jacob's mouth, tasting, claiming, taking what was his to take. What had always been his to take.

"My God!" Caleb breathed when he pulled back and stared down at Jacob. "Why did I wait so long to do this?" he was asking the question of himself and not of Jacob but the boy answered him.

"Because it wasn't the right time, Master," Jacob replied.

Caleb rolled his muscled body onto Jacob's and reached up, wrapping his fingers through Jacob's just above the cuffs as he took the boy's mouth again, driving his tongue in and kissing hard, possessively, breathlessly while grinding his full cock against the willing body beneath him. Caleb wanted to be inside of Jacob, wanted to be fucking him, driving him hard into the sheets but that wasn't how this had to happen and he knew it. All those long years of pretending it had never been, had never happened, came crashing back down on him. All the nights of lying in his room after he'd done it, touched Jacob and listened to the boy crying through the bedroom walls. No, this time was different, this was willing. Or was it?

Caleb pulled up and looked down at Jacob again. "Jacob, do you really want this? Me? Like this?" Caleb asked, his expression clearly showing the doubt and questions plaguing his mind.

"Don't you want me, Master? You offered to lead me. I want to be led. I'm yours to take. I have always been yours to take. Please, Master, take me, use me, fuck me!" Jacob begged, pushing his hips up against Caleb. "It was a mind fucking tease you did to me before! Leaving me wanting more, leaving me alone when you went back east! You promised to stay with me, you promised…" Jacob was beginning to fight against the cuffs and Caleb tightened his hold on Jacob's hands and lowered more of his much more substantial weight down against the struggling body beneath him.

"Be still, baby boy. I'm here and nothing short of the devil himself will take you away from me now," Caleb soothed. He waited until Jacob stilled and the boy's rapid breathing calmed a bit before he rolled away and opened the drawer on the bedside table. He slipped on a rubber glove and opened the bottle of lube, coating his fingers profusely with it, and then he turned back to his bound submissive. "Bend your knees up and spread your legs for me."

Jacob did as he asked, the boy's eyes on Caleb's gloved hand. "Has anyone ever touched you like this before?" Caleb asked, moving to kneel between Jacob's knees.

"No, Sir!" Jacob answered quickly, his voice tight.

"Have you ever touched yourself like this?" Caleb asked, looking down at Jacob again and noticing the blush creep up over his chest, neck and into the boy's face. Jacob turned his head away from Caleb's scrutinizing glance and bit his lip again. "Yes, sometimes," he answered with embarrassment.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, baby boy," Caleb assured him, the tip of one finger playing just around the tight opening before beginning to press very lightly against it but not yet breaching it. "Tell me about it. How do you touch yourself here?" Caleb demanded.

Jacob shook his head no and Caleb reached down with his other hand and gave the Jacob's ball's a hard squeeze, eliciting a yelp of pain and making the boy clench his teeth in agony as he continued to squeeze harder. "I gave you a command, boy! Shaking your head no is not an option. Now answer me! How do you touch yourself here? Do you use your fingers, toys, tell me about it. I want to know what experience you've had with it."

"I… um, I just pushed my fingers inside, you know… trying to… to find my prostate… Ahhh, fuck!" Jacob gasped as Caleb quickly pushed his big finger inside and then stilled the movement, allowing Jacob to get used to the intrusion.

"Just your fingers? Nothing else? A toy, perhaps?" Caleb asked.

"No, sir, I don't own any," Jacob answered.

"Mmm, pity for you. I guess I'll just have to introduce you to some of the one's I own, won't I?" Caleb asked, the tip of a second finger circling Jacob and then beginning to press against and breach him. Caleb watched Jacob's face for a sign of pain, knowing the boy would not want to use his safe-word unless he had no other choice. Being opened up like this for the first time was always a little bit painful unless the receiver was completely relaxed and Jacob was anything but relaxed but that was good. Caleb wanted him strung out and writhing beneath him.

"Talk to me, Jacob, don't be silent. How does this feel? Do you like it; does it hurt, burn, is it good?"

"Yes, it feels… It's… ahh, I can't…" Jacob tried to turn his head away again and Caleb squeezed his balls tighter.

"Stop that, God, damn it!' Jacob shouted, attempting to pull away.

"You know your safe-word. Use it if you want me to stop. You aren't going to be silent anymore, Jacob. I want your words. No more hiding behind anything anymore. How does it feel? Do you want more, another finger, perhaps, my cock? Do you want that, my weight pushing you down into the mattress? You on your knees, my cock sliding in and out of you, penetrating you, marking you as my slut, my boy, my submissive? In this room, I am not your brother, Caleb. In this room I am your Master and you will either obey me or be punished, is that clear?"

"Yes, Sir!" Jacob screamed in pain as Caleb squeezed his balls tighter, then began to slowly let up on the pressure, increasing the movements of his fingers buried deep inside Jacob, making that the sensation that the boy focused on.

"Feels like, like being opened up, being… being exposed, I don't like it but… no, I do like it. Damn it, I'm in a hell of confusion, Master!" Jacob admitted.

"Let me clear that right up for you, boy," Caleb answered as he angled his fingers, crooking them and drawing them up against the small, walnut-shaped gland inside Jacob's writhing body.

"OH FUCK… FUCK… FUCK!" Jacob screamed as his hips canted up off the bed, driving himself deeper onto Caleb's fingers. "Oh God I'm gonna cum!" Jacob cried, twisting his body, first one direction, then another.

"No you won't boy!" Caleb answered, his voice deep, menacing. "You've got a cock ring on!"

"Oh you deviant son of a bitch, Sir!" Jacob shouted.

Caleb laughed out loud at the blatant disrespect and yet term of submission that Jacob had mixed together in one sentence. He leaned up and pushed his hard cock against the tightly stretched ring of muscle still being penetrated by his two, big fingers. "Think I can fit this big boy in there with my fingers?" he asked teasingly.

"Oh God!" Jacob moaned, it was his only response, his eyes were shut tight and his teeth clenched so hard that Caleb was sure the boys jaw would be hurting the next morning.

"Wanna see if I can?" he asked again. "Better open up those eyes and quit hiding from me or I will! I'll shove it straight up your tight ass and make you scream my name!"

"No, don't, please…" Jacob begged, opening his eyes and forcing himself to look at Caleb. His brother's head was down, his eyes, feral as he continued to drive his big fingers over Jacob's prostate, milking small streams of pre-cum from the leaking end of Jacob's straining cock. The boy wanted, needed to cum so badly that he could feel it like a hot-white pain in his balls, a throbbing that was incessant and yet he had never before been so turned on, so wanting. It was better than his wildest imaginings or his darkest, incestuous dreams of Caleb.

"Want to suck your big, hard cock, Sir!" Jacob growled and it surprised Caleb so much that the shocked expression appeared on his face before he could hide it.

"Do you, now?" Caleb asked.

"Yes, Sir, want it, want you to fuck my mouth with it, then… then, shove it up my ass and make me your slave!"

"Oh, my sweet, little Jacob! Don't I know your tricks so well already! Still trying to top from the bottom aren't you?" Caleb asked, again giving his fingers a hard twist over Jacob's prostate and causing the boy to scream and buck against him.

"Let me cum for the love of God, please, please!" Jacob cried out piteously.

"Not, yet, I control that and I'm not ready for you to cum," Caleb answered, withdrawing his fingers and tossing the glove into the trash can on the floor beside the bed. He crawled up and grabbed a handful of Jacob's hair, pulling the boy's head up off the pillows and turning it to face his crotch. "You wanted me to fuck your mouth? Open up then, boy!"

Jacob looked up at Caleb hesitating for a second and Caleb pushed forward against that full, sensual-looking mouth, urging Jacob to open up for him. "I've never done this before, Sir," Jacob said.

"Want to learn? Want me to stop? Is it too much, baby?" Caleb asked, releasing Jacob's hair and cupping the boy's chin, lifting Jacob's head up so he could look into the boy's eyes. "Is this what you want or do you need me to slow down a bit? You said you wanted to suck my cock. I'm not going to lie to you, boy, I want that to, very fucking badly but not if it's going to scare you."

"No, I want it, I'm just… I don't know exactly what you want me to do. I've never done it, I won't be very good," Jacob admitted.

"No worries, boy. I told you already, no mistakes today. Just learning each other. Why don't you let me guide you? Open up and relax your jaw for me. Just concentrate on doing what you think would feel good to you. Or would you like me to drop down and suck you off? Show you what to do?"

"Oh fuck no!" Jacob gasped. "It'd be torture!"

"Oh really?" Caleb asked, pretending to move down toward Jacob's overstimulated cock, bound as if was by the cock ring.

"Please, please, I'm fucking begging you, Sir, don't do it, please!" Jacob cried, attempting to twist away.

Caleb laughed and crawled back up to Jacob's head. "Suck me then, boy and just do the best you can. I want you to cum but I want it to happen with my cock up your ass, not with your dick down my throat."

"Fuck!" Jacob gasped as he opened his mouth and tilted his head forward, allowing Caleb to push just the head of his cock inside.

"Mmm, damn it, boy, that mouth is so hot! Love it on me like this! Fuck!" Caleb struggled to master the explosion of arousal that rolled through his body. It had been too long since he'd had his cock in someone's mouth, way too long. He should have jacked off first to take the edge off but there was no time for that now. "That's it, boy, just like that, don't make me cum, just keep me… yeah, just like that," Caleb moaned, wrapping his hands around Jacob's head to hold the boy still while he fucked into Jacob's mouth, gently, easily, knowing that Jacob was still a beginner at this.

Jacob gagged and pulled back a bit, Caleb allowed it, stilling his motions until Jacob was in better control. He could see the boy's eyes tearing up and he knew that sensation of working to control the back of your throat, your gag reflex to keep from vomiting while your mouth was fucked. Caleb had been there himself during his training to become a Dom. He sort of enjoyed sucking cock himself and planned to return the favor for Jacob at some point. He pushed gently against those full, soft lips and savored the sensation of his boy, his submissive, his sweet baby brother taking him over the edge.

How many nights had Caleb lain awake dreaming of just this moment? How many times had he stood over Jacob's sleeping form stroking himself and wondering how far he could push things? That was the past and he would never have to wonder about it again. Caleb was close, too close. Jacob was getting braver, more self-assured with his skills as he began to flick his tongue along the length of Caleb's cock with each thrust. Caleb pulled out and leaned down, capturing those swollen lips in a forceful kiss. "Roll over, get up on your knees. I want to fuck you," he whispered against Jacob's ear as he broke the kiss.

Caleb helped Jacob get into position and then retrieved a condom and the lube again. He rolled the condom on and stood where Jacob could watch as he stroked himself, coating his big cock liberally with plenty of the lube. Then he moved back down in the bed to kneel between Jacob's spread legs once more. He put one hand on Jacob's lower back, splaying the fingers to hold the boy still while he took his cock in his other hand and guided it into position.

"Listen, baby boy, you have to relax, breathe through this. It's gonna hurt like hell at first but when you get used to it, I promise you it will feel so good, you can't even imagine. Just trust me, ok? Be with me; don't hide in your head. If it hurts, tell me, when it feels good, tell me. Be with me right here, right now."

"Yes, Master, I'm with you," Jacob promised though his face was hidden in the curtain of his hair that had fallen across it, his muscled arms stretched above his head in the cuffs, his back arched and his perfect ass up in the air for Caleb to grope, lick, finger, fuck, spank, anything he wanted.

Caleb pushed against the tight ring of muscle and waited a second before pushing again. "Breathe baby boy, breath and stay with me!" He warned as he continued pushing. "You ok?" he asked.

"Uh huh," Jacob's mumbled voice came from the pillow and Caleb reached up over his back to push the hair away so he could see Jacob's face. "Don't hide from me!" he ordered when Jacob tried to turn his exposed face into the pillow.

"No, Sir, I won't," Jacob promised, a grimace appearing on his face as Caleb pushed further inside. "God, you're so big, Sir, I can't… it hurts…" Jacob whimpered.

"Easy, breathe and relax, just like I told you. You can do this, baby, you can do it. Believe me, trust me. I know you can."

Caleb held still but didn't withdraw. He waited for Jacob to relax around him before he tried to push deeper. The desire to slam in and fuck the boy into the mattress was overpowering. He had to struggle to keep up the agonizingly slow pace until he was sheathed completely inside the hot, tight heat. "God, baby, so tight, so tight, all mine!" Caleb growled and began to move, gently at first, then with more force as he felt Jacob begin to move with him from beneath, attempting to get more stimulation to his prostate.

"Like that, baby boy?" Caleb hissed, slapping his hand down hard against Jacob's right ass cheek that was still red from the studded paddle.

"Oh fuck yes!" Jacob gasped. "Harder, please, do it harder, Master!" Jacob begged.

"You want it hard? Remember you asked for it!" Caleb warned as he let himself go and held back nothing, one hand tight to Jacob's hip, nails digging in, and the other fisted in a handful of the boy's long hair, pulling his head up and back.

Caleb leaned down and bit into Jacob's shoulder, drawing blood and eliciting a strangled cry from the boy. "Mine, you are mine and no one else's! You will never shake your fucking ass on that stage again! You will never cum for another man's enjoyment! Mine, only mine, always mine!"

"Yes, yours, Sir, I've always been yours!" Jacob answered.

Caleb's hips were literally slamming against Jacob's ass, the sound of their sweat-covered skin slapping together was almost obscene in the stillness of the room but it was nearly drowned out by the hard, panting breaths and moans of pleasure that flowed so easily from the both of them.

Caleb slipped the hand on Jacob's hip beneath the boy and unsnapped the cock ring, then began stroking his brother in time with the thrusts. "I want to feel you cum around my cock! Give it to me, Jacob, give it to me!" Caleb demanded. "Mine, my baby boy, mine!"

Jacob gave a kind of keening whine that ended in a long, protracted moan as he shot over Caleb's hand, coating his belly, the sheets beneath him, the spasms within him squeezing Caleb almost painfully and forcing the hold he had on his control to slip away. Caleb came soundlessly and fell atop his panting, sweaty, younger brother, both of them a mess of well-fucked flesh, tangled in the sheets and each other's arms.

Caleb had carried Jacob down to the master bathroom and lowered him into the tub filled with hot water and bubbles, then turned on the jets and climbed in with him to let the turbulent water wash away the muscle strain and the sweat of their recent efforts. Jacob had been quiet but seemed to be completely contented as he lay back against Caleb in the tub. Caleb ran his hands over Jacob's chest, belly, thighs, touching, memorizing the feel of his body, his submissive's body.

"Love you, baby, love you so much. Thank you for that," Caleb whispered against Jacob's ear.

"No, Master, thank you," Jacob answered. "It's what I've wanted since I was old enough to know what those feelings meant. Since you first awakened my body and taught me how to feel. Now it's done. You made me yours and no one can ever take that away."

Their moment of reverie was disturbed by the sound of the doorman ringing up to the apartment to alert Caleb that he had a visitor. "Damn it!" he hissed as he slipped out of the tub and wrapped himself up in his dark-blue robe. "I'll be right back, baby boy. Don't move!" he promised, leaning down to place a quick peck on Jacob's still swollen lips.

Caleb stomped over to the intercom and punched the button on the wall. "Yeah, what is it?" he asked the front desk.

"Mr. Danvers, Sir, you have a visitor."

"Well, who the hell is it?" Caleb asked in annoyance.

"It's Charlie Swan, you asshole!" came the rough, gravely reply. "I'm coming up!"


	7. Chapter 7

Something I Can Never Have

Chapter Seven

_"Tell me when the kiss of love_  
_ becomes a lie_  
_That burns the scar of sin too deep_  
_To hide behind this fear of running_  
_ unto you_  
_Please let there be light_  
_ In a darkened room"_

Jacob was disobeying Caleb's orders and he knew it but he couldn't stop himself from getting out of the bath, wrapping a towel around his dripping body and unlocking the bathroom door to follow after his brother. He crept down the carpeted hallway as carefully as he could, holding his breath, one hand clutching the towel together. He stopped at the end of the hallway and peered cautiously around the corner.

Charlie Swan stood a few feet from Caleb, his hands on his hips, facing off with Caleb in what was obviously an angry confrontation. Jacob listened in disbelief to their heated interchange.

"How dare you walk out on me like that you ungrateful bastard? I gave you your start in this life, trained you, offered you a partnership in my club, even changed the name of the club all to better suit you and that's how you show your gratitude? Telling me to fuck off and walking out of my office right in the middle of a conversation like that? What the hell, Caleb? I care about you, you know that! I care about that little boy in the other room too and you know that as well…"

"Don't call him that!" Caleb interrupted. "Jacob isn't a baby!"

Charlie's hand shot out so fast that Jacob didn't even see it move until he heard the sound of the loud slap that was delivered to the side of his brother's astonished face.

"Don't ever interrupt me again, boy! Seems you've forgotten your place around here! Just because you're a Dom now, that doesn't give you the right to disrespect me in any way. I came over here because I'm worried about you and about him. Your decisions of late haven't been the most logical and I'm starting to think I need to intervene before things get worse."

Caleb stood facing Charlie with one hand on the side of his face where he'd been slapped, his dark eyes blazing in anger, the dominant in him raging over the insult of being slapped like that. Charlie Swan was the only man Caleb had ever submitted to and that submission had been given during his training. Every Dom trained at the Black Swan had to go through rigorous sessions with another, more experienced Dom to learn what it was like to be a submissive before they could begin to master domination. Charlie had personally trained Caleb and there would always be that bond between them.

"I'm sorry, Sir," Caleb apologized, almost grudgingly as he stepped back and sank onto the couch. "But when it comes to Jacob, then I can't handle anyone interfering. He's my responsibility and I mean to handle it the way I see fit. I'm doing what's best for him. He knows it. I give him what he needs…"

"Then I'm already too late, aren't I?" Charlie asked, shaking his head. "You've already fucked him, haven't you?"

"That's none of your business, Charlie! He's my submissive! This is my apartment you're standing in and I make the rules here, not you!"

Charlie sighed, running a hand through his hair and shaking his head. He took a cigarette out and lit it, clamping the lighter closed and jamming it into the pocket of his leather jacket. "I want to talk to Jacob!" He demanded.

"Not a chance in hell!" Caleb retorted, jumping to his feet and facing off with Charlie.

"Why?" Charlie asked, exhaling smoke in Caleb's face. "Afraid he might have a different point of view than yours?"

"Jacob is mine, not yours! He's always been mine! He doesn't have anything different to say on it!" Caleb shouted.

"Then what's the problem with asking him?" Charlie calmly asked.

"Sir?" Jacob's quiet, questioning voice calling from the hallway disturbed their face off and both men turned toward him.

"Jacob, I told you to wait in the bathroom!" Caleb yelled.

"I'm sorry, Sir but I heard raised voices and I thought you might be in trouble. Please, let me answer Charlie. I want him to know how I feel so he'll leave you alone about this, Master," Jacob said, lowering his eyes and stepping into the room.

"Yes, Jacob, please do tell!" Charlie replied, taking a seat in one of the side chairs as he lifted the cigarette back to his lips. "Exactly what is the nature of your relationship with your "Master"?"

"I love him and that's all there is to say. Master knows what is best for me and he will always take good care of me. He protects me, he loves me, he provides for me and he has always done those things. Now, it's for always and it's so much more than that." Jacob's eyes clouded over with unshed tears and a smile ghosted at the corners of his mouth. He seemed drunk, unfocused as he spoke on. "He's my reason for living. Without him, there is nothing, no reason to go on existing. Caleb… my Master, he is my life."

"You poor, brainwashed, idiot, little man-child! You sound like one of those fucking religious nuts that went up in flames in Wako, Texas! Caleb, is this what you want? A mindless, slack-jawed, manipulated submissive that believes he can't exist without you?" Charlie spat.

"Enough of this shit! Charlie, I'm going to have to ask you to leave! If you feel the need, you can resend your partnership with me and take the name of Black off the club. I won't have you making Jacob feel bad about this. It's too important and I'm not going to allow you to interfere with my submissive!"

"Jesus Christ jumped up! I never thought I'd live to see the day when I'd be sent out of your apartment like so much trash, Caleb Danvers! Don't come crying to me to fix this when it all blows up in your fucking face because I promise you that it will! And you!" he shouted, turning to face Jacob. "If you don't have the sense to realize you're being used and manipulated then I guess you deserve the fall when it comes. To think that I actually based my Friday night business on your dancing! To think that you would ever follow through with anything you start! You're just like Caleb! Well, I hope you two, little clones are happy with each other! Enjoy your incestuous relationship!"

Caleb stood seething as Charlie stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him. He didn't move until he heard the private elevator outside the door begin to descend, then he turned to face Jacob.

"Bedroom now!" he shouted, his features twisted in rage.

"Caleb?" Jacob questioned, fearful of his brothers furious expression.

Caleb stomped across the room and grabbed Jacob by the arm, dragging him down the hall toward the master bedroom.

"Please, you're hurting me!" Jacob protested, trying to break loose.

Caleb tossed Jacob toward the bed as he turned to slam and lock the door. Jacob stumbled and fell, landing in a heap on the carpet next to the bed. Caleb grabbed a handful of Jacob's hair and yanked, pulling the boy to his feet. Jacob cried out and reached for Caleb's wrists, attempting to force his brother to let go. Caleb didn't let go, he yanked harder and forced Jacob to follow as he bent him over the foot of the bed.

"You don't move a fucking muscle, you hear me, boy?" Caleb shouted.

"Yes…Sss…Sir!" Jacob stammered, turning his head to one side to watch as Caleb yanked open the closet and rummaged through it, when he turned back toward the bed, he was holding one of his belts. Adrenaline coursed through Jacob's body and fear welled up in him. His stomach muscles clenched and he struggled to stay upright, his legs feeling like jelly.

"I told you to stay in the bathroom! When I give you and order, you follow it, God damn it! Do you understand me, boy?" Caleb shouted, bearing down on Jacob.

"Caleb… please, don't…" Jacob's plea was cut short when Caleb grabbed his hair again and pulled his head back.

"You don't call me by my name ever! I'm your Master now and you seem to have already forgotten how that shit works! I am not Caleb to you! Not now, not ever and you never, ever speak before me in the presence of another person like you just did with Charlie! You disobeyed my order, called me by my name, and got yourself in the middle of a conversation that you had no place being involved in…" Caleb was so angry that he couldn't' finish. He turned Jacob back to the bed and pushed him over the end of it. "Hands on the back of your neck and if you move then, so help me God, I will beat you until you can't walk!"

Jacob clasped his shaking hands together on the back of his neck and pushed his face into the mattress. Caleb drew the belt back and swung, cracking it against Jacob's thighs. The next few blows fell on his already reddened bottom and Jacob began to sob into the mattress, trying to remain as still as he could. Caleb wasn't letting up at all and he was hitting as hard as he could.

"You don't make decisions anymore, boy! I own you now! You do as I tell you to do!" Caleb's voice didn't sound like his own, it sounded too much like someone else's to Jacob and it was just too much.

Jacob moved quickly, darting to one side and making a dash for the door. Caleb quickly caught him and they struggled for a moment before Jacob, still damp from the bath, managed to slip past Caleb but Caleb stuck his foot out, tripping Jacob and sending the boy sprawling into a corner. Jacob curled up against the wall, drawing up his knees and wrapping his hands around them, hiding his face from Caleb who continued to strike him with the belt, hitting anywhere he could.

"Stop, please, daddy, stop, I'll be a good boy, I swear it, I swear!"

Caleb was stopped by those words mid-swing. The belt fell from his upraised hand and he stood gasping for breath and shocked at what he'd just done. He took in the sight of Jacob, curled up against the corner, his body covered in ugly welts, shaking and sobbing and clearly in terror. Caleb sank to his knees on the floor next to Jacob and reached out toward his brother.

"Baby, I'm so sorry! I… I don't know what happened to me! I've never been so mad and it wasn't your fault. It was Charlie… damn him trying to come between us like that… it wasn't…" Caleb couldn't find the words to say. He tried to take Jacob into his arms but the boy remained stiff and pressed to the wall like he wanted to crawl through it.

"Just like daddy, just like…" Jacob shoved Caleb's hands away and stood up.

Caleb rose to face the slightly smaller boy. Jacob's black eyes were blazing with something that was alien in them, something Caleb had never seen directed at him. "Don't you fucking touch me? You don't know a damn thing about being someone's Master if that's how you think you should treat a submissive, someone who vowed his life to yours! You're just like him! Just like dad! How could you?"

Jacob shoved past Caleb and grabbed up the towel that had fallen off him when Caleb had thrown him into the bedroom. He unlocked the door and stomped out, slamming it behind him. Caleb leaned against the wall and slid down it slowly. He lowered his head into his hands and shook as rage, sadness and a sense of helplessness took him. Jacob was right. He'd never lost it with a submissive like that before. Why had he done that? Lashed out at Jacob like that? It didn't make sense.

He got up and went after his little brother. The door to Jacob's room was open and Caleb stood in it watching as Jacob pulled on a pair of jeans and a hooded sweatshirt, and then pushed his feet into his sneakers. He shoved past Caleb and went toward the front door without making eye contact.

"Jacob, where are you going?" Caleb asked helplessly.

"The fuck do you care?" Jacob answered as he shoved his arms into his jacket and yanked his hat on. Caleb watched as he pushed his hands angrily into his gloves and wound a scarf around his neck, and then picked up the keys to his Mustang off the end table.

"Are you coming back?" Caleb asked, his voice shaking with the grief that was about to take him.

"Don't know!" Jacob answered, still refusing to meet Caleb's eyes.

Then he was gone and Caleb was alone.

Hours passed and still Jacob didn't come back. Caleb sat in the kitchen at the bar and sipped a glass of whiskey. He knew it was probably not the smartest thing in the world to do given the circumstances but honestly didn't know what else to do. A line had been crossed, not once but twice that day. He'd had sex with Jacob then beat the hell out of him. There could be no going back to the way things had been before. This wasn't something that Caleb could fix or wish away. Always before, Jacob had trusted Caleb, depended on him. That was done.

#

Jacob pulled up outside the Black Swan and tossed his keys to the valet as he ran inside, ducking past security, not that they would have stopped him anyway. He made his way through the already crowded main room, mindful of the eyes of the Doms that passed over him in astonishment. Jacob was never on the main floor with the crowd. He was only on the stage and none of the regulars had ever seen him at the club in any other capacity. He ignored them and weaved through the dancing bodies until he was safely in the back halls.

"Jacob, what can I do for you?" Emmett asked, reaching out to put a hand on the boy's shoulder and halt him as he headed toward Charlie's office.

"I need to talk to Charlie right fucking now! I need help and I want him!" Jacob yelled, shoving Emmett's hand off.

"It's alright, Emmett, let him come in," Charlie called from down the hall behind them.

Emmett stepped aside and Jacob stormed past him and into Charlie's office. Charlie glanced at Emmett and mouthed the words: "No one gets in!"

Emmett nodded and turned to take up position as the door to Charlie's office closed with the click of a lock.


	8. Chapter 8

Something I Can Never Have

Chapter Eight

"_Forgive me please for I know not what I do. How can I keep inside the hurt I know is true?"_

"My toes curled and my body tensed as he pounded relentlessly into me. I was going to explode without him even touching my bound prick."

Caleb closed the journal and put it back on Jacob's dresser where he'd found it. It had been three days and still, no phone call, no contact, nothing. Caleb had been ignoring his calls opting to answer only if it was Jacob and he knew the ringtone so well that he barely registered any other sound as he strained to hear the one he hoped for above all others. Charlie had called him at least three times each day but he never answered. Foolish on his part but he couldn't face his former teacher and Dom while in such a fragile mental state himself. Jacob was gone, simply gone and there was no other reality than that.

Caleb's fingers stroked over the cover of the closed journal; the private thoughts and writings of his beloved, younger brother and former submissive. He wondered who the words had been written about as he had never engaged in the activity outlined so eloquently in those pages with Jacob. Perhaps Jacob had been lying about being a virgin after all or perhaps those words were just his own wishful musings.

For Caleb, time and it's agonizingly slow passing, was the only reality left. He didn't eat, barely slept and was on edge, every little sound in the apartment sending him into a near state of panic. He longed for the door to open and Jacob to come bouncing in just like always. He wished for the feeling of that long, soft hair running through his fingers, the scent of Jacob's skin, the silkiness of it. He dreamed of being warm, safe in bed with Jacob in his arms, secure, protected but that wasn't the truth, this was the truth. He'd broken trust with the one person on the planet he gave a shit about and there could be no going back. Jacob forgave a lot but he would not forgive that.

Caleb slouched in the recliner in his boxers, his robe open in the front and hanging off of him. His face was covered in three days' worth of stubble, he hadn't bathed or showered and he couldn't care less. If Jacob wasn't coming back home, then he would just let himself disappear, waste away until there was nothing left to remind him of his ultimate mistake, his tragic betrayal. When his phone rang, he jumped in shock, and then slumped down once more; Charlie again. He wouldn't answer. There was simply no point.

#

Three days before

Charlie held open the door of his office as Jacob hurried inside, then slid the bolt and turned off his phone. He took a seat at his desk and noticed that Jacob had occupied the same arm chair that Caleb had been sitting in that very morning when they'd had their argument. Amusingly, Jacob was sprawled in it with one leg thrown up over the arm just the way Caleb always sat. Charlie could tell by the look on the boy's face, however, that this was not a pleasant social call.

Jacob's eyes were red and swollen, his long, dark lashes spiked with dried tears. As he shrugged out of his leather jacket and tossed it into a nearby chair, Charlie noticed the ugly, red welts covering his arms and the unmistakable imprint of a belt buckle on his right bicep. He'd been beaten with the buckle end of a belt. Charlie stiffened and clenched his fists beneath the desk top, forcing his face to remain passive. He would hear what Jacob had to say before he spoke though beneath the surface, he was already planning Caleb's punishment.

"I'm in a world of shit, Charlie. I know you're gonna say "I told you so" and all but I don't know what to do," Jacob sighed, refusing to meet Charlie's scrutinizing gaze.

"Go on, boy, tell it. Tell me everything and while you're at it," Charlie paused to light a cigarette, then sat back in his chair as he exhaled. "You can tell me how you got those marks," he gestured toward the welts on Jacob's arms and wondered about the marks covered by the boy's clothes; the marks that he couldn't see.

Jacob took a deep breath and bit down hard on his full, lower lip. He seemed in a quandary as if unsure how or where to start his story. "It started out so good. He offered me a choice, Charlie. He told me I could decide what I wanted; either to be his submissive, or to be set free. I chose to belong to him. He took me up to the playroom. We… well, we scened together for the first time. I mean we…" Jacob turned his face toward the wall and his eyes teared up again as he struggled to form his words. Charlie was a patient man and he simply sat, smoking and waiting for Jacob to get up his nerve to continue at his own pace.

The boy cleared his throat and went on. "We had sex after he gave me a couple licks with a wicked-looking paddle that kind of attracted me. It was amazing! I sucked his cock. That was neat to learn to do for real. I doubt if I was very good. Wait… maybe that's why it happened!" Jacob sat up straight in the chair, a look of shock marring his features. "I didn't please him! Of course not, why didn't I see it? I disobeyed him; the simple fact of the matter is that! He told me to stay in the bathroom and I didn't! I broke the first rule of submission! Oh fuck me! I ruined everything!"

Jacob made to stand up but Charlie was around the desk in a heartbeat with one hand on the boy's shoulder pushing him back down in the chair. Jacob cried out and winced when his ass hit the seat and Charlie regretted shoving him so hard but the kid wasn't going anywhere.

"Not so fast, boy. Go on with it. What happened after you had wonderful sex?" Charlie demanded.

"No, you don't understand. He took me downstairs and put me in the tub. He got in with me and held me, touched me all over like he was trying to learn my body better. When you came over it ruined everything. He got so angry with me for coming in the room, for speaking before him. I deserved it, I guess. I freaked out cause he pushed me into a corner and started swinging the belt at me just like dad used to do. He was saying the same shit dad used to yell when he beat on me. I just got freaked out on it."

Jacob bit his lip again and a single tear slipped free to run down his cheek. Charlie ignored it. The time for treating Jacob with kid gloves was over. He was going to have to break the boy right here in the office, force him to talk and admit what he was really feeling, strip away all the layers of manipulation and self-doubt, all the years of living in Caleb's shadow were going to have to be cast away if Jacob had a hope in hell of healing from this.

"Boy, you do realize that what he did to you violates the number one rule for a dominant? Never harm you're submissive and the number two rule, never break their trust? He should know this and it seems to me that he's forgotten it. I trained him better than that. Everyone in this place wanted to play with him. He used to be the best, the best control, the best results. Now, I don't know what he's going through but since he's been back, he hasn't been the same. You two crossed a line that should never have been crossed and opened up old wounds that should not have been re-opened."

Charlie pulled a chair over so that he could sit facing Jacob directly, their knees nearly touching. He reached out and gripped Jacob's chin, forcing his head up. "Look at me boy!" he demanded. "Tell me how it felt when he was hitting you! Did you like it? Did it feel safe, did you feel protected, cherished? Was it wonderful? Were you free? Answer me!"

"No, I didn't like it!" Jacob yelled, trying to twist free of Charlie's hand but the older man kept a tight hold on the boy's chin, refusing to yield.

"How did it feel when he was fucking you? Did that feel wonderful too or did you just tell yourself that it did? Did it hurt? Did he ask you if he was hurting you or did he just touch and see and take? Talk to me, boy!"

"It was good, I mean yes it hurt at first but it was wonderful, I wanted it!" Jacob protested, raising both hands to pull at Charlie's hand, trying still, to free his chin.

"God damn it, boy!" Charlie shouted, jumping to his feet and dragging Jacob up with him. "You're coming with me and this shit is getting out in the open right now! We're facing this and you are going to admit the truth or so help me, one of us is ending up in the bone yard and it ain't gonna be me now move your ass!"

Charlie drug Jacob across the office and toward the closed door at the back that led to a private playroom accessible only via his office. He shoved Jacob into the room and slammed the door behind them. "Undress and do it quick!" Charlie shouted, punctuating every word clearly to emphasize his point.

"Charlie… I'm not your…" Jacob began hesitantly.

"Do as I say, boy!" Charlie shouted again.

Jacob slipped his t-shirt off and toed off his boots. He turned to face Charlie as he unbuttoned his jeans and lowered the zipper. He shrugged them off then stood again. As he was reaching for the band of his boxer-briefs, he stopped and looked up, meeting the older dom's eyes.

"Are you gonna use me to?" he asked brokenly.

"Christ, Jacob! Is that what you think he did to you? Do you really thing I would do something like that? Have I ever tried to hurt you? Have I ever forced you to do something you didn't want?"

"No, Sir," Jacob answered, lowering his eyes.

"I asked you to undress so I could examine you. Some of those marks look ugly. I suspected the ones hidden under your clothes would look worse. I can see that so far I was right. Strip out of those and let me look at the damage, then we talk!"

Jacob sighed and complied with the order, slipping his boxers off and standing silent and unmoving as Charlie walked slowly around him. The Dom in Charlie was appalled at the bruises and broken skin. He bit so hard at the inside of his mouth that he drew blood. This was unacceptable and out of character for one who was usually very reserved with his submissives. Caleb had always been extremely protective and jealous of Jacob but this, this was something else entirely.

"Jacob, go lay down on the mattress, flat on your belly and don't move. I need to put some medicine on those marks. I'll give you something for the pain but I need you awake. We are hashing this shit out right now, today. This is abuse and I'm not having it."

Jacob didn't make a verbal response; he simply nodded and moved like a robot, stretching out on the mattress that was on the floor in a corner of the room while Charlie got the needed supplies. Jacob flinched when Charlie began to rub medicinal cream onto the welts and bruises. He cried into the pillow, hating the feeling of vulnerability and exposure this humiliating experience was forcing upon him. It had to be his fault somehow. That was the only explanation his manipulated and brainwashed mind could fathom. Charlie's voice cut through that unhealthy line of thought and drew him out of his head; the one place Jacob liked to hide.

"So, it wasn't the first time, was it? Today wasn't the first time he's ever touched you like that?"

"No, I told you he used to touch me when we were kids but he never… I mean he didn't fuck me if that's what you're asking," Jacob answered, his voice muffled by the pillow.

"I mean the beating. He's done that to you before, hasn't he?"

"Only that one time when he brought me home after he caught me dancing here but that was different…" Jacob trailed off again, attempting to slide back into his head, into subspace where he could hide and be safe but Charlie wasn't having it.

"You're lying to me, boy."

"No I'm not!" Jacob protested, trying to turn over but Charlie's hand on his shoulder restrained him.

"Yes you are and I know it. I used to live in Forks, remember? I seem to remember a time when your dad came to see me. He brought you with him. As I recall, you had the living shit beat out of you and he said you and Caleb had gotten into it in the bathroom and he had to separate you. Seems he walked in and found you bent over the sink, both of you naked as the day you were born and Caleb behind you, about to…"

"Stop that shit! That's not how it was! He didn't tell it right!" Jacob cried, attempting again, to twist away from Charlie to no avail.

"So your dad was lying then? Caleb didn't have you bent over the sink? He didn't have his hand over your mouth? You weren't crying, struggling? He didn't have your wrists together behind your back, holding you down with his other hand while he tried to fuck you?"

"No, God damn it! It was consensual!" Jacob screamed. "Dad walked in and interrupted it, that's all! He hit Caleb really hard and busted his nose and his mouth! I didn't want him to hit Caleb! I wanted Caleb to… I wanted…" Jacob stammered off, burying his face in the pillow.

"You wanted what, exactly? For him to keep raping you? That's exactly what he was doing and you know it. It wasn't the first time, was it, Jacob? Tell me, how old were you the first time he did it or have you buried that memory down so deep you can no longer access it? Is it repressed cause it's sure as hell gonna come out now!"

"Don't do this to me! I can't do this, I can't fucking do it!" Jacob screamed, holding his hands over his ears and pushing his face deeper into the pillow.

Charlie grabbed Jacob and pulled him up, then arranged them so that he was sitting against the wall with Jacob sitting between his knees, the boy's back against his chest. Charlie wrapped his arms around Jacob's arms, pinning them down, then threw his legs up and over Jacob's, effectively pinning the struggling boy in his arms. Then he waited for Jacob to calm down before continuing.

"Please let me go!" Jacob pleaded but Charlie ignored it. They were past the point of return. There was nothing left but to move forward and he endeavored to do just that.

"Admit it! Admit that he's hurt you before, that he used to do it all the time, admit it! Why are you protecting him? Why, Jacob? I used to believe Billy when he told me that was the first time he'd ever seen anything like that happen between you two but it wasn't and you know it now talk!"

Jacob struggled again, like a person without reason as he fought against the older, stronger and substantially larger man who held him tightly. For Jacob, it was hell. Being confined with no way to get free was one of his greatest fears and Charlie seemed to understand that. It forced Jacob to remain in the now and prevented him from hiding in his head.

"Talk, damn it! I got all fucking day to sit here with you in my lap, naked and wriggling like that. Kind of turns me on in a sick way. Do you like it? I think not if I know you at all. You pretend it's what you want, do be under his thumb. Every person on the fucking planet who has ever been hurt or abused in any way acts the same way. You love it when he's being good to you. You crave his attention, his affection. In your mind you think that makes up for all the times he's hurt you don't you? I should have seen this shit before now. I've been blinded by it just like you were. He's fucked up and I'm going to work on him next but this, this shit is for you. Talk to me, boy. Tell it like it is deep down in your head. Close those pretty eyes, lie back against me and relax. Breathe, boy."

Jacob slowly stopped his struggling and began to go slack in Charlie's arms as he talked. Then he did as Charlie asked. His head tipped back, heavy on Charlie's shoulder and his eyes drifted closed. He was still crying silently and his mouth was open as he gasped for air but he was still. He was listening and he was sliding into subspace but this time it was under Charlie's command.

"Go back, boy, back to the first time he did it. Remember it and talk to me. Tell me everything, what he did, how it made you feel. Just tell it like you saw it."

Jacob let out a kind of whining sound as if in complete despair, then he began to speak, his voice distant, dreamy as if it belonged to someone else. It had a kind of robotic quality to it and it made Charlie's blood run cold.

"My toes curled and my body tensed as he pounded relentlessly into me. I was going to explode without him even touching my bound prick. My ass radiated heat from the lashing I had received earlier. He twisted the clamps on my nipples harshly and I cried out around the gag between my teeth. I was so close but I knew I couldn't cum yet. Not until my Master allowed it. I wanted to obey him, to please him but my cock was aching. My legs trembled while holding me up against the rough surface of the wall. My hands were bound with cuffs and pulled taunt over my head with chains while my cheek, chest, and cock rubbed against the wall. The harsh texture of the wall only added to my sweet torture. Just when I thought I would black out from the intense fuck he whispered in my ear "cum" as he pulled the clamps off my abused buds. My yell was muffled as my orgasm crashed through me. I was 14 years old. He already owned me. He's always owned me."

"Is that what you tell yourself? That he owns you? You're not a little boy anymore, Jacob. He is not your owner and you aren't a slave. You're not his slave."

"I'm his submissive," Jacob continued in that hypnotized voice.

"Not anymore, boy. You don't have to be afraid of him. You've hidden in your own head every time he came to hurt you. You convinced yourself that you liked it as a means of dealing with the pain he put you through and he did those things to you to escape his own pain. He wanted you to hurt as much as he was hurting. That's not how it works, Jacob. I don't think you even enjoy it, really, do you? If I scened with you right now, tied you up to the wall and did those things to you, would you enjoy it? I have no doubt you'd cum but would you enjoy it?"

"I… I don't belong to you," Jacob murmured.

"No, you don't. Do you still think he owns you? When Billy was hitting you with the belt and Caleb 'rescued' you from him, don't you realize he only did it to have you all to himself? Caleb is a manipulator but so are you, Jacob. You've been playing him to get what you thought you needed, to get affection, love but he gave it on his terms. Its poison and you know it is. Tell me, did you cry, that first time he came into your room at night and touched you?"

"Yes, I cried," Jacob admitted.

"Why?"

"I was scared, I didn't understand why he did it but… but I was confused too."

"Confused, how?"

"It felt good to me."

"And that confused you because you were scared?"

"No, well, yes, I guess it was… I didn't understand how it could feel so good and frighten me at the same time."

"Then when he started to hurt you with his touch? How about then? Did you ask him to stop?"

"No, never."

"And why not?"

"I told you, I liked it. He told me that I belonged to him. He said… he told me…"

"He told you what? That you had to submit to him because he owned you?"

"No, he said I was born to submit to him… He told me the same thing today. I just… I forgot."

"Jacob, do you love Caleb?"

"Yes, Sir, with all my heart."

"Then you'll have to leave him. He's sick; boy and he will never heal as long as you keep feeding the sickness."

Jacob was silent for a moment, and then he began to tremble. Tears began to flow again and Charlie remained patient, willing Jacob to process his feelings.

"I hated it when he hurt me!" Jacob cried out suddenly and Charlie had to work to hide his stupefaction at the revelation.

"I never asked him to stop but he wouldn't have listened. I used to pretend I was asleep and hope he would leave me alone. He never did and I hated that I got off on it. It made me feel dirty, used. I hated it! Why would you do something like that to your baby brother? How could he do that to me, Charlie, how?"

"He was hurting too, Jacob. His mother, she hurt him the same way. He was acting out his own hurt with you. Try to understand it like that. It doesn't make what he did to you right but it does explain it at least."

"What will I do? Where will I go? I've always lived with him. He's always paid for me, taken care of me?"

"You can move in with Jasper. He misses you. He has a nice, little pad across town, close to your college. I'll make sure Caleb continues to pay for your schooling or if he refuses, I'll pay for it myself. I have the money. You can continue doing what you like, playing with the symphony and if you want, you can dance here again. I know how much you enjoyed the release it gave you. It made you feel confident, didn't it?"

Jacob eased back against Charlie again, his eyes open. He was not in subspace anymore. He was in the present and he was awake for perhaps the first time in years. Charlie watched the boy worrying his lower lip as he processed the possibilities for his future. Charlie realized that he was watching as someone who had been living in a self-imposed prison was slowly setting himself free. It was a beautiful thing to see.

"Yeah, I miss Jasper too. He was a good friend to me. I could live with him. I could go back to school. I like school. I have friends there."

"You have friends here too, Jacob. You could always come here. I'd keep Caleb away from you; forbid him from coming here while you're here."

"Do you think I could…? I mean could I dance again?" Jacob asked fearfully.

"You can do anything you want to do boy. Anything your heart desires."

"Jesus!" Jacob mumbled as he stretched out. Charlie had let go of him, slowly untangling them from each other. Jacob got to his feet and wrapped his arms around himself. "Can I get dressed?" he asked.

"Of course you can," Charlie answered.

#

Charlie spent the next two days helping Jacob move into Jasper's place. Jasper had been delighted at the prospect of having someone else living with him and he'd always been very fond of Jacob. Though the boy seemed lost in translation for most of the time during those unsettling days, he was slowly working through the grief of losing his former identity as he began to build a new life for himself. Charlie had told him to start by taking baby steps and move forward from there. The only place to go was up.

Caleb wasn't answering Charlie's calls. It had been three days since the fight, three days without Jacob. Charlie imagined Caleb was probably in a personal hell but his priority had been Jacob first. With the boy now settled into Jasper's apartment with his new clothes and his back-up violin for school since he'd left the other one at Caleb's house, Charlie could concentrate on his other project; rescue his once, best friend and his former submissive.

He drove across town at dusk that night in drizzling sleet mixed with rain and parked in the garage. Instead of going through the lobby, he used the private elevator, having obtained from Jacob, the pass card and the combination for the private elevator. As it ascended, he prayed he wouldn't find Caleb dead in the apartment.

The elevator doors opened onto the small hallway leading to the penthouse and Charlie crept down the hall as silently as he could. He slid the key into the door and opened it slowly.

A/N: Thanks to Ant1gon3 for the journal entry that Jacob completed with his confession to Charlie further down in the story. Very good with the smut, that girl!


	9. Chapter 9

Something I Can Never Have

Chapter Nine

"I am broken when I'm open

And I don't feel like I am strong enough

I am broken when I'm lonesome

And I don't feel right when you're gone away"

Jacob sat in the waiting room of the hospital emergency department. He sniffed and rubbed his nose on the back of his hoodie sleeve. He was feverish and sore all over, his throat scratching, his body aching. He was sick as hell and he was all alone. He'd been feeling it coming on for a few days but continued at his breakneck pace, pushing himself to get everything done that he needed to do and now he was paying the price for his overzealousness.

Charlie and Jasper had both warned him that burning the candle at both ends the way he was doing would eventually catch up with him. Boy had it ever! He could remember feeling sick with a cold before but this was much worse than anything he'd ever been through. His name was called and he followed the portly, middle-aged nurse through the double doors and directly into the front line of the nation's worse flu epidemic in years.

As he was shown to a curtained room he could hear people crying out in pain, nurses yelling for assistance, doctor's running back and forth, it was like a war zone. The nurse told him to take his shirt off, put on a hospital gown, and lie down on the cart. He did as she asked, then began to shiver when she only gave him a sheet to cover up with.

"Please, I'm fr… freezing! Can't I have a blanket?" he begged through chattering teeth.

"I'm sorry but you're running a fever. I can feel it just by touching you. I need to get your temperature and vital signs and ask you some questions, and then the doctor will see you. Are you here alone?" she asked.

"Um, yeah, is that going to be a problem?"

"No, I was just wondering if there's someone you'd like me to call for you; family, maybe to let them know you're in the ER?" she volunteered.

Jacob hesitated a minute, then shook his head no. The nurse put a thermometer in his ear and got his temperature, then she took his pulse and put a little device on his finger to check his oxygen level, lastly, she took his blood pressure and had him sit up so she could listen to his chest and back.

"You sound terrible. You may have pneumonia. How long have you been sick like this?" she asked.

"Couple days I guess, I've been busy. I don't have time to be sick," he mumbled, shivering under the thin sheet as he drew it up around his shoulders and curled up in a ball on his side to face her.

"Do you have any health problems, take any medicine?"

"No, not been in the hospital since I was born and I'm not taking any medicine."

"So no surgeries then?" she inquired.

"No, nothing like that; I'm normally pretty healthy."

"Do you smoke, drink alcohol, use drugs?"

"I quit smoking last month. I used to drink pretty heavily but I haven't done that for a couple months now. I don't use drugs." Jacob snuggled down into the uncomfortable mattress and willed the shivering to go away.

"Who would you like me to list as your emergency contact person? It should be a family member."

He flinched and looked up at her. She was just doing her job. He only had one family member living in Tacoma; only one blood relative he could list.

"Caleb Danvers-Black, he's my older brother and my guardian."

"Ok, what's his cell number?" the nurse asked, holding her pen and looking over her glasses at him.

Jacob fumbled in his jeans pocket for his cell and turned it on, then scrolled through the contacts as he sneezed into the sheet and shook. He found Caleb's number and told the nurse what it was. She wrote it on the paperwork then turned to go.

"Jacob, the doctor will be in to see you in a moment. Are you sure you don't want me to contact your brother? If he's your guardian…"

Jacob hesitated again, biting his lower lip. Should he tell her that he was 19 and didn't need his brother with him? Maybe it was a hospital rule?

"Yeah," he sighed in defeat. "You can call him but he might not come. We're kind of not getting along right now."

"I'll just let him know you're here." She left him alone and Jacob curled up tighter, trying to press himself through the hard mattress of the cot and into the floor.

#

Caleb stared at the clock on the wall and chewed his nails. Charlie had warned him not to be late. Charlie didn't put up with anything from Caleb these days. He'd taken Caleb in hand that day when he'd found him passed out drunk on the living room floor of his apartment and dragged him into the bathroom, tossing him in the shower and turning on the cold water. Caleb had fought, struggled but Charlie was stronger.

Miserable days had passed during which Caleb had wanted to die, weeks when the only thing he felt was the constant pain in his chest reminding him that his reason for living had walked the fuck out of his life and he had no one to blame for it but himself. Charlie had stayed with Caleb, forcing him to talk, to rehash every little detail of his worthless life from his childhood with Jacob to his mother's abuse. Charlie had made him stand against the wall, his hands behind his neck, naked and with no barriers to hold him back.

He'd been forced to let it all out, the pain he'd carried, the secrets he'd kept hidden in the depths of his soul. Charlie was an expert at the mindfuckery that Doms like him were so adept at. Charlie could get right to the heart of the things that Caleb wanted to hide, his insecurities and his fears. Charlie played upon them and made him admit it all, everything. It was physically exhausting and emotionally painful. Caleb had endured seemingly endless sessions of being chained to the wall and beaten with a cane, a belt, anything Charlie decided to hit him with in order to get the information he wanted.

To anyone else, it would seem like torture but Charlie knew it was the only way to break Caleb and in the end, his tactics, though barbaric, had been successful. Caleb had been reduced to a blubbering, sobbing mess of a man on the floor of his own playroom; lying next to Jacob's discarded clothes that he'd left there. He had admitted everything that he'd ever done to Jacob, every abusive expisode he could recall, every sexual encounter. Charlie had made him admit it all and made him face it all. Charlie had broken him. Charlie could break his submissives but he could also repair them. In the months that had followed, Charlie had been slowly putting Caleb back together.

For the last few weeks, Caleb had been keeping his appointments with Charlie like clockwork. They met in Charlie's office and then went into the playroom behind it to scene together. Caleb was always the submissive and there was never an openly sexual connotation to the session though Caleb would sometimes reach orgasm during the scene. It wasn't the goal, just a pleasant side effect. The opportunity to just let go of his obsessive control tendency's felt like heaven, like a weight being lifted from his shoulders and he longed for it like some men longed for heroin or cocaine. When his phone rang, he nearly pissed himself and answered quickly without looking to see who it was.

"Yes, hello?"

"Is this Caleb?" a woman's voice inquired.

"Yes, who is this?" he asked, slightly annoyed.

"I'm a nurse at the Tacoma General ER. Your brother, Jacob, is here. He's pretty sick with the flu and it might be pneumonia. The doctor is with him right now. He said you were his guardian…"

"I'm on my way!" Caleb interrupted her and hung up the phone. He grabbed his coat and gloves and car keys and hurried out of the apartment.

As he drove across town, he sent a curt text to Charlie saying that he would not be able to make their session that evening due to an emergency that had come up and he would explain later. He cursed the slow moving traffic, drumming his fingers nervously on the steering wheel. Jacob wanted him there. Jacob had asked the nurse to call him. Caleb was awash with conflicting emotions that threatened to distract him from his driving. Did Jacob really want him there? Maybe he shouldn't have hung up on the nurse.

"Fuck!" he muttered under his breath as he waited at a stoplight. "Fucking mother fucking hell!"

#

Jacob lay back and stared up at the young doctor examining him. He found himself getting slightly aroused at the idea of being in such a submissive state with a taller, stronger and only slightly older man standing over him. The doctor had cool hands and a nice smile. He was friendly and put Jacob at ease. Jacob couldn't' remember his name but then again, did it matter? The name tag on his lab coat said his first name was James. Yeah, Dr. James… something…

"You have a very bad case of the flu, young man. I'm going to give you a prescription for antibiotics and a machine that can give you breathing treatments that you can take at home. I'd love to admit you to the hospital but right now all of our beds are full due to the flu. You have to follow all the instructions I'm giving you or you'll be right back in here again and maybe worse off than you are now. Do you understand?" he asked.

_Such pretty green eyes on this one, such a nice mouth._

"Yes, Sir!" Jacob spouted off without even realizing he'd said it. "I mean, I'll do what you tell me to."

_Yes, of course you will, won't you? You'll do anything they tell you to, the ones in control of you?_

Jacob hated that he was the way he was, getting turned on by the young doctor. He wished he could change and become someone else but some things are meant to be and he was meant to be a submissive. He was meant to love other men. He was meant to be loved too, wasn't he? He wasn't really such a freak after all, was he? Three months, three months since he'd laid eyes on his brother, three long fucking months of trying to change who he was. Maybe it was working, maybe not. Only time would tell.

#

Moments later, Caleb pulled up in front of the ER and parked in the parking lot for patients families. He hurried through the masses waiting to be seen and presented himself to the woman at the reception desk.

"I'm Caleb Dan… Black," he said, shaking his head at his use of his mother's last name. "My brother Jacob is here. The nurse called me to come."

The woman looked at her computer screen for a moment, then back up at him. "Follow me, please," she instructed.

#

Jacob could feel the sweat all over his skin though he was cold and shaking. His nose was running and his eyes were scratching and dry. He could feel the fever burning him, cooking him from within. The nurse had given him two Tylenol to bring down the fever and said she was coming back with a shot of antibiotic. The doctor was writing up the rest of his prescriptions but they wanted to get the results of a chest x-ray and some blood draws before he could go home. He'd be here a little while yet. He bit his lower lip, worrying it in his teeth. It had been almost an hour. He wanted to go home but where was home?

Living with Jasper had been anything but easy. Jasper's condo was not the luxury Jacob was used to and Jasper expected Jacob to pick up after himself, not wait for the maid that came every morning to do it. Jacob had to learn to wash his own clothes, make his own meals, clean up after himself and be responsible for his own schedule. It had all proved to be a bit overwhelming to him. Jasper was a good friend but he had his own problems to deal with and he couldn't coddle Jacob. The loneliness had been the worst of it.

As much as he didn't want to admit it, he missed Caleb. He missed the silly banter they had with each other when watching television or the way they could sit together and share a comfortable silence. Jasper felt that he always had to be talking and it was difficult for Jacob to concentrate on his music with the incessant chatter. Caleb had understood that need for quiet. Caleb had understood everything. Maybe that was the problem all along. They had both been trying too hard to be what the other wanted; a burden that brothers should not have to carry. Jacob understood that now.

He'd been seeing a counselor at Charlie's insistence, a woman who specialized in the kind of situation that Jacob and Caleb were in. What Jacob didn't know, was that the same counselor had also been seeing Caleb. Charlie had insisted on that too. Jacob could better understand the reasons why Caleb had behaved as he had and the reasons why he, Jacob, had reacted the way he did to the behavior. His need for love and affection had driven him to accept the molestation and sexual abuse he was suffering at Caleb's hands because his body's biological reaction to the abuse had been positive. It felt good so Jacob had made himself believe that it was ok.

Caleb had sought Jacob out as a means of dealing with the abuse he was enduring from his mother. Caleb never believed he was hurting Jacob and he only acknowledged that he had touched Jacob inappropriately, he never admitted to the actual sex act itself. Jacob had repressed it somewhat but he knew it happened. He wrote about it in his journal, that same journal that was back at the apartment in his room with all his stuff.

Jacob was tired of being alone in a crowd. He was tired of being tired. He no longer felt the music he played, the food had no taste, and life itself had lost its luster. He knew it was just the drop after a high but he had to live it just the same. The shrink had told him that he would feel depressed for a while but eventually the pain would begin to subside and he could move forward. He knew that was true but it was still the here and now that he had to fight. It sucked.

The nurse was outside the door, preparing his shot. He hated shots. This one had to be given with a large needle and she'd warned him it would be in his butt cheek. He blushed with embarrassment at the thought of that middle-aged nurse getting a look at his ass, then almost laughed into his hand when he remembered all the Doms at the "Black Swan" who had watched him dance and jerk off for their viewing pleasure. To think he was getting modest at the thought of a nurse getting a glimpse of his bum!

When the curtain opened, he sighed and prepared to roll it on over for her but it wasn't the nurse who walked into the room and pulled the curtain shut. Adrenaline plowed through Jacob's body leaving a metallic taste in his mouth. His heart rate quickened and his breath stuck. His mouth wouldn't form words.

"Hello Jacob," that deep, familiar, soothing voice saying his name.

"Hello, Caleb," he whispered hoarsely. "I'm glad you came."

A/N: Ok, people, please don't jump to conclusions!


	10. Chapter 10

Something I Can Never Have

Chapter Ten

Caleb walked over and sat down in the chair against the wall beside the head of the bed. Jacob curled up closer to the edge of the bed facing his brother and Caleb didn't fail to notice the movement. He reached out his hand almost instinctively and brushed Jacob's hair back from his face, then instantly regretted the gesture, unsure if Jacob would appreciate it or not. "What's going on, kido?" he asked.

"The doctor says I have a bad flu, almost Pneumonia. They wanted to keep me in the hospital but they don't have any empty rooms upstairs so he's sending me home instead. They asked me for the name of a family member they could inform I was here. I told them they could call you. Was that ok?" Jacob asked, glancing up at Caleb.

"Of course its ok, Jacob. You know that. I'm always here for you. I've been desperate to see you, just talk to you lately. I wanted to call but Charlie told me to leave you alone and let you have your space. Did Jasper bring you here?" Caleb asked.

"No, he's in Salt Lake City with his girlfriend, Alice."

"His girlfriend? I thought he was gay!" Caleb replied.

"Nah, he's bi," Jacob said, shifting about on the uncomfortable cart and shivering.

"Did you call Charlie?" Caleb wondered aloud.

"No, he's not my Dom."

Caleb didn't know what to say in response to that remark. It both thrilled him and frightened him at the same moment. He felt the old protectiveness and possessiveness threatening to kick in and he had to stifle the urge to take off his coat and throw it over Jacob even though he could clearly see the boy was running a fever just by the redness of his skin.

"Jacob, are you sure you're ok with me being here?" Caleb asked a little hesitantly.

"Yes, if I wasn't ok with it I wouldn't have let them call you."

The nurse pushed back the curtain and entered the room holding the syringe with the antibiotic shot. She grinned at Jacob when he rolled his eyes.

"You'll have to roll over on your belly for me and tug those jeans and underwear down a bit. Left or right?" she asked.

"I don't care which," Jacob mumbled, his face burning red with embarrassment as he struggled to roll over and tugged at the back of his jeans. He was so weak and exhausted that even that simple act proved almost too much to manage. Caleb, noticing his struggles, jumped up to help him.

"I can do it myself!" Jacob protested and Caleb quickly pulled his hands away from Jacob's jeans and moved back to his chair fighting the urge to let his feeling be hurt. He had no right to touch Jacob. It was so hard to fight those instincts that he'd carried for so long.

Caleb watched with a kind of morbid fascination as the nurse gave Jacob the painful shot. He squeezed his eyes shut tight and clenched his teeth as she did it and Caleb could almost feel it himself. Those kinds of shots burned like hell. When she was finished, Jacob yanked up his jeans and rolled back over onto his side, grimacing and rubbing at the spot.

"You can get dressed now. The doctor is finishing up your prescriptions. Do you know how to use a nebulizer machine?" she asked. "He's written for you to have breathing treatments at home."

Jacob looked up at Caleb as if expecting him to answer so he cleared his throat and turned to face the nurse. "I'm sure it's not that difficult. I suppose I can pick it up at the pharmacy?"

"Yes, with the medicine. If you don't know how to use it, the pharmacist can show you," she answered.

A moment later, Jacob was attempting to sit up on the side of the bed but simply couldn't stay upright long enough to balance and get dressed at the same time. He finally sighed in frustration and dropped back against the mattress.

"Will you let me help you, Jacob?" Caleb asked.

"Yeah, I guess I'm too weak," he answered.

Caleb got Jacob's shirt and jacket off the chair next to him and helped Jacob get them on, then retrieved his shoes from under the edge of the bed and put them on him. The nurse returned with a wheel chair and Jacob's discharge paperwork. She gave the prescriptions to Caleb and he signed the papers for her. She held the curtain open for them and Caleb started to push Jacob out.

"Hey, did you drive yourself here?" Caleb asked.

"Yeah, my Mustang's in the parking lot," Jacob answered.

"I'll drive you home. We can come back and get it later or I'll come for it later this evening. I'll have the driver bring me here and I'll drive it home. You are coming home with me, aren't you? I mean you can't possibly take care of yourself like this."

"Yeah," Jacob sighed. I would like to stay with you if I can. I can't do this alone. I don't wanna be alone tonight," Jacob answered.

Caleb's spirits soared again. Jacob was coming home. Jacob would be with him again, even if just for a little while. It was the one thing that he'd been wanting more than anything else. The atmosphere in the car was much as it had been that night not so long ago when Caleb had driven Jacob home after finding out he was dancing at the club. Jacob sat curled up in the seat, staring out the window and avoiding conversation. Caleb could tell the boy felt terrible and tonight wasn't the night to bring up their problems. Caleb would just take care of Jacob and see what the next day would bring.

He had to practically carry Jacob from the car over to the private elevator and when Jacob swayed and fell against him, Caleb threw caution to the wind and swept the boy up off his feet. He carried him into the apartment and laid him gently down on the couch while he went to turn down the blankets on Jacob's bed. When he came back for the boy, Jacob shook his head no.

"I don't want to sleep in there, Caleb. Can I stay here on the couch? My room's too far away from yours and you won't hear me if yell for you. My voice is going. I don't wanna be alone."

"No problem, Jake. You can sleep here if you want. I'll pull out the couch and I'll sleep in the recliner so I'll be right here if you need me. I'm going to get you comfortable and call the driver to take me back for your car and then I'll stop at the pharmacy on the way home and get your medicine and the breathing treatment machine. Is there anything I can get for you while I'm out? Do you want me to go by Jasper's and get anything?"

"No, I've got clothes and stuff here. When you're at the pharmacy, would you get me some Gatorade if they have any?" Jacob asked.

"Sure thing but let me pull out the couch and get you a blanket and pillow, get you settled first. Do you have your phone?"

Jacob fumbled in his jeans pocket then nodded his head. Caleb helped him to the recliner while he pulled out the hide a bed couch and made it up with warm blankets and the pillows from Jacob's bed, and then he helped Jake to the bathroom and got him some pajama pants and a t-shirt to put on. Caleb helped him get undressed and struggled to keep his hands off of the boy as much as possible, fearing to start another defensive reaction. Caleb felt nothing but the burning desire to protect as he did these things. The un-natural lust was not there or at least was beneath the surface, kept so by his delirious pleasure at having Jacob home again.

At last when the boy was well settled, Caleb called the driver and asked him to take him back to the hospital to get the Mustang. Though they hurried, Caleb felt he was taking too long to be gone from Jacob and he rushed through the pharmacy, picking up the things he needed and some Gatorade.

Caleb flustered through the door of the apartment, trying not to make much noise but Jacob was awake, sitting propped up on the pillows, watching television. He smiled at Caleb, though his red eyes and pale complexion gave away how miserable he was feeling, that smile made him look like an angel to Caleb.

"I got it all. Let's get a dose of medicine in you and give you a breathing treatment then you can go to sleep, ok?" Caleb asked.

Jacob nodded and Caleb fixed the breathing machine up while Jacob swallowed his antibiotic and drank some of the Gatorade. The treatment took 15 minutes and Jacob breathed in the medicated aerosol while Caleb watched him like a hawk. After if it was done, Caleb put the machine away and tucked the warm blankets in around the boy, not caring if he still had a fever. He wasn't going to let Jacob be cold.

As the boy settled down into the pillows, Caleb got changed into his pajamas and finished up in the bathroom, then turned down all the lights expect the television for Jacob and curled up in the recliner with a pillow and blanket. He was drifting off a little when he heard Jacob call his name almost weakly.

"Yeah, what ya need?" he asked.

"Caleb, will you… would you…"

"What baby boy?" Caleb asked, and then regretted using the submissive title immediately though Jacob didn't seem to notice.

"Would you sleep with me? I know you might get sick but… well… I want you to hold me."

Caleb heard the arguments starting up in his head about how Jacob's body temperature was too hot right now and Caleb holding him would only make it worse and how it was probably not a good idea for them to be sleeping in the same bed given the present circumstances and all the badness they'd just endured. The arguments went quiet as he looked down into those big, dark eyes and Caleb got out of the recliner and slipped beneath the blankets, drawing Jacob into his arms.

Jacob sighed in contentment and folded himself against Caleb, throwing an arm and leg over him just as he always used to do as if the boy could hold Caleb there in the bed by doing so. Caleb wrapped his arms around the feverish boy and began to stroke his hand up and down Jacob's back. Within moments, Jacob was sound asleep. Caleb felt the desire to sleep much less now. He was wide awake, holding Jacob again, touching again. It was dangerous. It might be disastrous. He would worry about that in the morning. For now, this was blissful and he was determined to stay awake and enjoy that feeling for as long as he could. They could talk about Charlie, their problems, the future, what they each wanted and needed when Jacob was feeling better. Caleb pressed a kiss into Jacob's hair on top of his head and drew in a deep breath, loving the way the boy smelled, the way it felt to hold him again and he made up his mind right then that no matter what happened, he would not lose Jacob again. Nothing and no one would ever drive them apart. Nothing…


	11. Chapter 11

Something I Can Never Have

Chapter Eleven

Caleb lay awake, holding the warm, sleeping body of his younger brother. The fever had broken around midnight and his breathing was more even, less labored. The boy was no longer shivering and sweating beneath the blankets. Caleb had gotten up and retrieved a dry blanket to cover them with after the first one had been drenched with sweat. Jacob was now resting peacefully. Caleb attempted to untangle himself from the boy's arms and legs that were covering him and Jacob whimpered and clutched at Caleb.

"Jake, I need to take a piss and I should call Charlie. Let me up, ok? I'll be right back, I promise," Caleb assured him in a low whisper.

"Mmm, K, just come back," Jacob mumbled.

"I will," Caleb answered as he slipped out from under the blankets and put on his robe. He picked his phone up off the coffee table and headed up the stairs toward the roof-top deck to call Charlie. He wanted privacy for that call as he suspected that he might have to raise his voice and Jacob didn't need to hear an argument tonight.

Caleb stood in the cold, blowing wind in nothing but his boxer briefs and a bathrobe, cold against the rubber mat he stood on as snow blew across his feet. He would make this a quick call. The phone rang twice, and then Charlie's gravelly voice answered.

"Yeah?"

"Hey, it's Caleb. I wanted to bring you up to speed on why I missed my session this evening. Jacob was in the hospital emergency room. He has a really bad flu and the doctor wanted to admit him but they didn't have room. A nurse called to tell me he was there and I ran to him. I know I should have told you first but…"

"It's ok, Caleb. A brother's love is a brother's love. I know how protective you are of him."

"Well, anyway, by the time I got there, they were getting ready to send him home and Jasper's out of town so I didn't want him to be alone there besides, he wanted to come home with me. So he's here. He's asleep on the couch right now. He asked me to hold him and I did, Charlie. I swear I didn't feel anything even remotely sexual toward him. I just held him while he slept. He's better now. I think the medicine and breathing treatments are helping. I hope he's gonna be ok."

"I'm sure you're doing everything you can, Caleb. Do you need me to come over there?"

"No, not just yet. I think I'm ok with it. He seems to be. I'm going to remember the things you told me about trying to keep it separate. I'm not his daddy. I'm his brother and I'm trying to keep my head around all of that right now. I promise I'll call you if it gets to be too much for me to handle on my own."

"Good, I know your trying; Caleb and I appreciate you calling to let me know what was going on. When I got that text saying you weren't coming to our session I figured that Jacob was the reason behind it. I do understand, you know. You two, I mean, how it is with you boys. Sometimes, despite thinking I know what's best for other people, I may actually be… wrong sometimes," Charlie sighed as if in defeat.

"Oh my God! The great Charlie Swan admits that he might be wrong sometimes?" Caleb gasped.

"Shut up, boy! Don't let me ever hear you repeat that shit anywhere and to anybody! Got it!"

"Yes, Sir!" Caleb laughed.

"Ok, now go take care of him and remember, Caleb, I'm only a phone call away. I can be there in less than 30."

"Yes, Sir, I'll remember. Goodnight and Charlie…?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"No problem," Charlie answered as the line went dead in Caleb's hand.

He stuffed the phone into his robe pocket and headed back down the stairs feeling oddly peaceful. The call had not gone at all as he'd feared it would. Charlie wasn't an ogre. He was just trying to help them both. Caleb took off his robe and laid it over the back of the chair and slipped beneath the blankets. Jacob immediately curled up to him and Caleb wrapped his arms around Jacob, tucking the boy's head beneath his chin.

"Everything ok?" Jacob asked, his breath warm against Caleb's neck.

"Everything's fine, sweetheart. Go back to sleep," Caleb assured him.

"Ok, love you," Jacob whispered.

"Love you to, boy," Caleb answered, kissing the top of Jacob's head.

Morning was long past when Caleb finally woke up. His watch told him it was noon but he could scarce believe it. He managed, with much difficulty, to untangle himself from Jacob's arms and legs and the mess of blankets around them. He straightened the quilts over Jacob's sleeping form and put on his robe, then went into the kitchen to start the coffee maker. Moments later, he was sitting at the bar, sipping a hot cup of black coffee and staring out through the kitchen windows at the gray, Tacoma sky that looked about to burst with more snow.

Caleb was so deep in thought that he jumped when he felt a pair of strong arms close around his waist.

"Morning," Jacob mumbled as he rested his chin on Caleb's shoulder and pressed his chest against Caleb's back.

"Its noon, sleepyhead! Feel better?" Caleb asked as he twisted in the boy's arms and turned to face him.

Jacob's cheeks were flushed but not as red as yesterday and his eyes were still red but overall, he looked a little bit better. "Yeah, I'm still feeling lousy though. Did Charlie rake you over the coals last night?"

"No," Caleb sighed as he pulled away from Jacob a bit and gestured to the empty bar-stool next to him. Jacob climbed up and sat down.

"He was ok with it all, really. He understands," Caleb said. "Hey, do you want some orange juice?"

"Yeah, that'd be good. I'm kinda thirsty. So, he wasn't mad at you for bringing me back here?"

Caleb walked around to the frig and opened it, rummaging through it for the orange juice, then poured a big glass and handed it to Jacob. "No, he told me he understood about my need to protect you. He reminded me to behave and told me that he was a phone call away if we needed him."

"Behave? Does he think we're stupid, little rabbits or something? Did he think we'd jump in the sack with me this sick?" Jacob asked incredulously as he took the juice Caleb handed him.

"Easy, boy! He's only trying to help. You did go to him after I hurt you. He feels responsible for you too," Caleb answered as he sat back down beside Jacob.

"Jake, we need to talk," Caleb sighed, rubbing at his eyes. "I know you probably don't feel up to it today but there are some things I need to say to you."

"I feel ok. Talk if you need to. Now is probably the best time to do it," Jacob coaxed.

Caleb shifted uncomfortably on the stool, and then turned to face Jacob. The boy looked down at the bar and sipped at his juice, appearing a little bit nervous despite the fact that he'd encouraged Caleb to talk. Caleb bit at his lower lip, a nervous trait they both shared, and then began to speak.

"Charlie has been helping me to face some of the things I repressed, the memories of times I hurt you when we were younger. Jacob, I've buried so much of it. Do you remember that time when you were 14 and we had built that tree house? I came home from Paul's house and found you up there, curled up and sobbing. Do you remember? Dad had gotten drunk and beat on you. I made you take off your clothes and show me the bruises and I went ape shit and beat the hell out of him, threw him out of the house and he went off to Harry's? I came back up to the tree house to comfort you. Do you remember?"

"Caleb…" Jacob tried to turn away but Caleb wouldn't let him. "Jake, I know you remember!" he insisted, grabbing Jacob's chin and forcing him to turn back.

"I came up there to the tree house to comfort you but instead, I… I took your virginity like some kind of rutting boar instead of a brother who should have been trying to make you feel better! You let me do it. You didn't' even fight me! I know you remember because I've read it in your journal. I read about all the things we did that I forgot. That little playroom I had in the back room of the garage? That first time we scened together in a d/s way? I read that in your journal. All this time, all these years, you've been my submissive and I never saw it. That necklace I gave you… I knew what it meant and so did you but I tried to pretend it meant something else. Christ, Jacob…!" Caleb couldn't find the words to finish all the things he needed to say. He put his head in his hands and tried to breathe, just breathe.

He felt Jacob's hand on his shoulder, massaging little circles into his skin and he turned his head to face the boy. Jacob was looking at him with a calm, placid expression. "Caleb, I love you," he said. It was the only thing he said but it was enough.

"Why? After all the things that I've done to you, all the times I hurt you. I drove you into a corner and beat on you just like dad used to do. You didn't try to fight me off or stop me! Jacob, that isn't acceptable behavior for a brother, a Master, a Dom, anyone! I had no right to do that to you! I don't own you like a possession! I love you and you are the last person I should ever be hurting yet I keep doing it! Why would you ever want to surrender to me?"

"It's always been you, Caleb, don't you see? I never fought you off or tried to stop you because it's just like you said. I've always been your submissive. Nothing is ever going to change that. You are my Dom. Yes, you are those other things as well, a brother, a hero I look up to. I know about your past. Charlie told me what your mother did to you but Caleb, I already knew about it. You used to talk in your sleep. I figured it out on my own. We never talked about those things, her, you and me, in the light of day before. We always just swept it under the rug and pretended it wasn't happening. That's how we dealt with it. My shrink is helping me face some of that. She's good, Dr. Grinaldie."

"You're seeing her too?" Caleb gasped. "She's my shrink too!"

"Shit! Charlie set that up didn't he? I guess it makes sense that she would be seeing us both. I like her, do you?"

"Yeah," Caleb replied. "She'd make a good Dom cause she knows exactly how to get into your head to the stuff you don't want to talk about."

"Yep!" Jacob laughed, his voice still sounding a bit hoarse.

"Hey, kido, you do need to be in bed. Come on, let's get you tucked in."

"Ok but will you stay with me? I can't sleep unless you're with me. I haven't been sleeping very well at Jasper's."

"Ok, Jacob, I'll stay with you. We'll watch some movies and I'll order in Chinese for later today, sound good?"

"Yep," Jacob answered as he took his glass of juice and headed back to the pull out.

Caleb sat for a moment watching the boy get settled and sighed again. He'd just ripped the scabs off of the deepest, foulest, most festered wounds of his soul and laid them bare for the boy and Jacob hadn't even flinched. Caleb had been carrying the guilt and grief with him for so long that now it seemed he didn't quite know what to do or say. Keeping things bottled up had always been his way and now that everything was out in the open and he and Jacob were actually talking about things like that, Caleb felt more vulnerable than he'd ever felt.

He took his robe off and got into bed with Jacob. When the boy curled up to him again, he felt that sense of calm and peace pervade his body and he settled down, wrapping Jacob up and pulling him close. This was how it was supposed to be. This was their life and no matter what other people might think of it, there would be no changing it. Caleb knew he needed this and he could feel how much Jacob did to.

"I love you, Jacob and I promise you that I will never ever hit you like that again. I swear it!" Caleb vowed, his voice shaking.

"I love you too, Caleb," Jacob answered, snuggling closer. "Hey, where's my necklace?"

"Oh, it's in the box on the dresser in my room. Why?" Caleb asked.

"I want it. Will you get it for me?"

"You want it right now?" Caleb asked.

"Yes, Sir, I would like to put it back on if that's something you want too."

Caleb stiffened momentarily at the use of 'Sir' but he got back out of the bed and went to get the necklace. He picked it up out of the box and got the little padlock that fastened it closed. He ran his fingers over the lock. He was still wearing the necklace that had the key to the lock around his neck. He went back to Jacob and found the boy sitting up on the side of the pull out. Caleb put the necklace around Jacob's neck and fastened the padlock in place.

Jacob reached up and ran his fingers over the little lock, then smiled and sighed in contentment. "Now things are better," he whispered, his eyes glazed over with unshed tears. "When I feel up to it, we're going back upstairs to the playroom again. I can hardly wait, Master," he admitted.

Caleb felt the stirrings in his body and struggled to keep his face passive. "When you're better, boy. For now, you need to rest and get well."

Jacob reached for Caleb's hand and pulled him toward the bed. Caleb complied and got back in, pulling Jacob half on top of him as they snuggled back up to each other. "Mmm, missed you, boy!" Caleb admitted as he brushed light kisses along Jacob's jaw.

"Missed you too, Master."


	12. Chapter 12

Something I Can Never Have

Chapter Twelve

"_I still recall the taste of your tears, echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears. My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore. Scraping through my head till I don't wanna sleep anymore…"_

Jacob sat cross-legged on the floor of the playroom. Caleb was not at home and the apartment was empty, however, he'd left his key behind on his dresser and Jacob had taken the opportunity to let himself into the playroom in Caleb's absence. He noted his discarded clothing laying in the same spot it had been left when he'd taken it off almost three months before. Caleb had most likely not even been in the room since that incident. Jacob stared at the pile of clothes as if it were an enemy about to attack him. He wasn't sure why he felt so volatile but the memory of that awful evening that had followed such a glorious day still haunted him.

He didn't want to remember how Caleb had lost his legendary control. He didn't want to recall the way his loving brother and Dom had raised his hand in anger and struck him time and time again. That was in the past and it was something they would have to work to get over if they were going to continue to live together in this place. Jacob knew what he needed and he knew Caleb was the only one he wanted it from. He'd tried to live separate from Caleb but it was an exercise in futility. Even Charlie, their well-meaning mentor, had to concede to that fact now.

Charlie had been rather insistent that Jacob and Caleb continue to attend therapy sessions and that they might as well go together since they were both seeing the same shrink. Caleb had been in agreement and when Jacob got over his flu, they had gone together. Though Jacob had found the joint session to be terribly uncomfortable at first, the doctor had managed to get them both to discuss openly, things that they had been keeping repressed like the past sexual activity that Caleb had been refusing to acknowledge and the issues Jacob had with being alone.

Caleb had been open about his denial and about the way he had cracked under the pressure and beaten Jacob. Jacob in return, had admitted that he often covered up the abuse he'd suffered at both his father's and Caleb's hands over the years. Jacob hated conflict and when forced into it, he tended to explode in violence himself, resorting to using his fists in much the way Caleb had done. Jacob admitted that the only time he felt stable was when he was with Caleb and that was only true if Caleb himself was stable.

Though he realized that he and Caleb had a very long way to go before they would get back what had been lost, Jacob expressed a willingness to try and a desire to rekindle their d/s relationship. Caleb had been somewhat hesitant, asking the shrink what her opinion was on the matter. She of course, had advised against it. Jacob was uncertain what Caleb's final decision would be but he continued to hope that maybe things would be ok for them.

The last rays of the afternoon sunlight shown through the single, high window in the dormer of the playroom illuminating the silent figure sitting on the floor. His long, dark hair hung unfettered down his back, the top and sides pulled back from his youthful and innocent looking face. Jacob was many things but he was not innocent and had not been for many years. He rarely thought about that night that he'd written of in his journal. He often forced those memories down deep, refusing to let them haunt him.

He sighed and stood up; stretching out the kinks in his legs and back, then walked over and pulled the blankets back on the bed. It was still rumpled up from that night when Caleb had fucked him for the first time in years. For Jacob it might as well have been the very first time all over again. The implications were just as vital as they had been back then. He reached out and ran his fingertips over the silver cuffs and the length of chain that attached them to the headboard. He made no effort to repress the shudder that went through his body at the contact with the cool metal.

Jacob wanted to strip out of his clothes. He wanted to be naked on that bed, restrained and wanton. He longed to be shackled, disciplined, molded, and made. He wished for dominance and he wanted to give his submission. It was like an empty, hollow feeling in the center of his chest that nothing could fill. His stomach churned and clenched as he fought the urge to fall into despair. He curled up in the bed, hugging his arms around himself and rocking a bit. His voice was weak, almost too quiet to hear as he uttered a single plantative, pleading word and gave over to tears.

"Caleb…?"

Jacob didn't hear the front door open. He'd not noticed the figure standing just outside the playroom. He didn't hear the floor boards creaking as that figure approached him and laid a caressing hand down against his head, rubbing through the long hair and attempting to soothe the crying boy in the bed. When Jacob felt the contact, he jumped and sat up, rubbing his eyes.

"Sweetheart, what's the matter?" Caleb asked, sitting down on the side of the bed. "I heard you call for me."

"I'm sorry… I didn't… I mean I didn't hear you come in," Jacob stammered, attempting to compose himself. He'd not wanted to let Caleb see him so broken down.

"Now, now, don't be so shy. You can tell me what's wrong. Come on, talk to me. You called for me, I heard you say my name. What can I do?" Caleb asked.

Jacob bit his lip and struggled with uncertainty. Caleb's expression radiated sincerity and it was obvious that all he wanted to do was help but Jacob was afraid that Caleb wouldn't want him that way anymore. What if Caleb had decided to take the shrinks advice?

"Please, Jake, talk to me?" Caleb begged, reaching out toward Jacob as if he meant to take the boy into his arms. When Jacob shrank back from him, Caleb was confused and hurt. "Sweetheart, what's wrong? Did I do something to make you cry?" Caleb asked desperately.

"Nn.. No, I just… I… Caleb, I need it! I can't live without it! I want you to dominate me again! I don't care what they all say, the shrink, Charlie, Jasper… I know who I am and I know what I need. Please, can't you just take care of me?"

Caleb was thunderstruck. He had been trying so hard to make his and Jacob's lives as normal as possible over the last few weeks since Jacob had come back to live with him. Though Jacob had insisted on wearing his necklace again and often slipped up, calling Caleb "Sir" or even "Master" on more than one occasion. Caleb had let it slide, thinking that for Jacob, it was merely the act of finding refuge in the familiar. They had gone to sporting events, played video games, ordered take out. Caleb had been to watch Jacob perform with the symphony. They had worked out together. Caleb had been trying to make their lives resemble what he knew normal brothers did together. Though he believed he was doing what Jacob wanted, he'd been terribly mistaken. All this time, Jacob had been wanting things back the way they were.

"Jake… what are you saying? I mean I understand but aren't you still angry with me? I hurt you so bad. How can you just forget that? I haven't!" Caleb admitted.

"I won't forget it and I don't want you to forget it either. If you aren't going to lead me then I can't follow. If you can't be my Master then… I guess I'll have to go let Charlie find me someone to take care of me. I have to have more than this, Caleb. I want it to be you but I understand if you don't want me like that."

"Jacob!" Caleb shouted as his younger brother jumped up and darted past him, taking the stairs two at a time. Before Caleb could get to his feet, he heard the front door open and close and realized that Jacob had just run out on him yet again. Caleb chased after him but the elevator was already descending. Caleb punched the button on the wall to call the front desk and asked the attendant to prevent Jacob from leaving the building, then called the elevator back up to him.

It seemed like an eternity before the doors opened on the lobby. A frustrated looking attendant met him with an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, Mr. Danvers. He pushed me out of his way and barreled out the front doors. He's just too strong for me, sir!"

Caleb shoved past the attendant and through the double doors out into the street. There was no sign of his brother but down the block, he noticed a taxi rounding a corner and he was almost certain that Jacob was probably in the back seat of it and on his way to God knew where.

Caleb went back inside and apologized to the attendant, tipping the flustered fellow a twenty before he got back into the elevator. When he got back to his apartment, he dialed Jacob's cell phone, and then fell into despair when he heard it ringing and noticed it lying on the coffee table. Jacob had left it behind. Now Caleb had no way to find him. Not knowing what else to do, he called Charlie but voicemail picked up. Charlie was with a client.

Thinking that perhaps Jacob might have decided to go to the club, Caleb grabbed his car keys and headed out into the nippy air to chase after his only reason for living.

#

Across town at the Black Swan, Charlie leaned against the bar and shook his head in frustration. "Jacob, you can't just run in here and demand to dance tonight. You haven't rehearsed anything and I didn't have any entertainment scheduled for this evening."

"I don't care about how big the crowd is, Charlie! I want to dance! Besides, I never rehearsed anyway. I always just got up there and improvised."

"Fuck!" Charlie gasped. "You mean to tell me that was all just ad lib?"

"Yep!" Jacob answered. "Now are you gonna let me go on or what?"

"Excuse me, Sir but may I say a word?" Edward, the shy bartender spoke up.

"Yes, what is it?" Charlie asked with annoyance.

"I think it would be fine to let him dance tonight, Sir. It's a Friday and the house should be pretty full anyway. When word gets out that he's here and is going to perform, the room will fill up pretty quick."

"Edward, if I want your opinion, I'll get it from you at the end of a flogger now keep your nose in your own business!" Charlie replied tersely. Edward lowered his head and continued to polish the bar.

"Please, Charlie! I'm just asking to go on one time! I need to find a Dom! Caleb won't do it and I'm tired of being without one!"

"Jake, this isn't the way to go about these things. The guys in the audience, they will be so turned on after your performance that they won't be thinking straight. All of them are carefully screened but you want a new dom to be level headed and sober when you start negotiations to play." Charlie advised.

"So you aren't going to let me dance then?" Jacob asked, his expression crestfallen.

Charlie sighed and stared into those big, brown eyes. He felt truly sorry for the boy and understood something of Jacob's desperation. Also, Charlie had always had a soft spot for the boy. Finally, he conceded, running his hand through his hair, he shook his head in disgust at his lack of follow through on his own convictions then turned to Jacob and spoke.

"Fine, one dance, that's it!"

"Oh thank you so much, Charlie!" Jacob cried, throwing himself into Charlie's arms and hugging him so tightly that the older Dom nearly lost his footing. Jacob let him go and bounded back stage to get changed. Charlie was left standing in the center of the bar with no one but Edward for company.

"Well fuck me!" Charlie sighed in exasperation as he turned to Edward. "Well don't just stand there, boy! Get me a Godamn Scotch and make it a double!"

#

Caleb pulled up in front of the club and hastily handed his keys to the attendant. He rushed inside, intent on finding Charlie. As he passed through the crowded main dance floor, his eyes chanced up to the stage and his heart dropped to the floor. Jacob was up there. His baby brother, on the stage, wearing nothing but a very skimpy G-string and bumping and grinding to the Kid Rock song "So Hot". Caleb was beyond words.

He tore his eyes away from the stage long enough to notice the state of the room. All the doms he knew were riveted to the stage. No one was moving a muscle as Jacob performed for their viewing pleasure. The only thing Caleb could do was stand there, rooted to the spot and watch the spectacle as well. Jacob was spell binding them all, Caleb included. Despite his misery at the situation, Caleb could not deny the lustful feelings of possessiveness that stole over him as he watched Jacob move like a minx across the stage, all eyes in the house fixed on him.

"He is mine," Caleb whispered, more to himself than to anyone around him. It was a silent affirmation of ownership and Caleb meant to enforce it as soon as the dance was over. The moment the song ended, Caleb strode up to the stage, leapt onto it and lifted Jacob up from his knees, slinging the boy over his shoulder. Then Caleb turned to face the room full of shocked doms and submissives. They all knew who he was, every single one of them. They were aware he was Charlie's business partner and part owner of the club. None of them knew for sure who Jacob was. Most of them didn't even know his name. Caleb's eyes roamed over the crowd as he uttered a single, unmistakable word, loud enough for even those men in the back to hear him clearly.

"MINE!" he growled through clenched teeth, then disappeared through the curtain and into the back hallway behind the stage; his mostly naked younger brother still draped over one shoulder.

"What in the blue fuck do you think you're doing?" Caleb thundered at Jacob. He'd set the boy down in a folding chair in front of his dressing table and wrapped a blanket around him.

"I was looking for a dom since you don't want me anymore!" Jacob shouted back. "I know why you don't want me to dance! I heard what you said to them, all of them. You think you own me still! I can't live like this! I have to have it and if you can't give it me then let me find someone who will!"

Caleb fought the urge to draw back his hand and slap some sense into the boy. Instead, he clenched his hands so tightly that his nails dug into his palms as he stood shaking and scowling down at Jacob's upturned face. "You ran out on me you little shit! You didn't even give me a chance to answer you! Get dressed and come out into the club with me. We need to find Charlie!" Caleb demanded.

"Why?" Jacob asked petulantly, crossing his arms over his chest, his face set in a determined pout.

"Because I fucking said so, that's why and that's all the reason you need, BOY!" You want me to dominate you? Start acting like it! Get on those knees and show me proper respect!"

Jacob's face blanched a moment and then went scarlet red. He jumped up, shrugging off the blanket and went immediately to his knees before Caleb who stood with his hands braced on his hips. "That's better, boy!" Caleb said, reaching out to run his fingers through Jacob's sweaty hair. "Get dressed now and let's go out together. I'll take care of everything."

Caleb stepped out into the main dance floor through a side door and nodded toward the men clustered around the edge of the bar watching him. They nodded back respectfully, doms, all of them. Jacob followed behind Caleb, walking to heel with his head up, eyes down and hands clasped together behind his back. He was a natural at it and Caleb didn't even bother to turn his head to watch if Jacob's form was correct. They made their way through the astonished crowd. Men gawked openly at Jacob, surprised to see him on the main floor. He never came out after his performance. Most of them had never gotten to see him up that close and they weren't going to miss the opportunity.

Caleb went up to the bar and asked for Charlie. Edward picked up the phone and made a call to Charlie's office, then turned back to Caleb. "He'll be out in a minute. Why don't you take a seat at his table and wait for him, Sir. I'll have a drink sent over for you."

Caleb nodded then turned and made his way to the best table in the house. It was empty as it was reserved for him and Charlie alone. Caleb sat down in one of the leather covered folding chairs and motioned for Jacob to straddle his lap. The boy clambered up and put his arms around Caleb's neck, sighing in contentment as he laid his head down on Caleb's shoulder and closed his eyes to shut out all the stares and questioning looks. Jacob's feet hung loose on either side of the chair, weighed down with his heavy boots. He'd put on his leather pants and biker boots and opted to leave his shirt off so people could see the necklace/collar more clearly. Caleb had been too distracted with concern to mind what Jacob was wearing and didn't seem to be bothered with the display.

Jacob kicked his feet innocently and clung to Caleb, enjoying the fact that their groins were rubbing comfortably and Caleb's arm was around his waist, holding him in place. Caleb was smoking and sipping at his Scotch, talking to several men who had approached to ask him about Jacob.

"So, he's your sub then? Makes sense. We all wondered who he belonged to and no one here really knew anything about him. He never came out to mingle after he danced. You lucky bastard! Where did you find him?" One of the men asked. "Does he have any brothers?"

Jacob's eyes shot open and he clutched tightly to Caleb, wondering how he would answer. Caleb laughed, a low, rumbling sound, and then tapped his cigarette in the ash tray. "Well of course he does!" Caleb said. "I'm his brother! Jacob is my younger half-brother! My real last name is Black and so is his."

That comment was met with stunned silence from the other doms. Caleb had wanted to shock them. He hoped the idea of him topping his younger brother would drive them away from the table but to his surprise, they stayed, staring wide eyed at him and Jacob.

"So, he's really your brother? Do you… do you fuck him or is it just submission?" one of them asked.

"Why, you writing a fucking book or something?" Caleb asked, exhaling smoke in their faces.

"How old is he?" another one asked.

"He's nineteen." Caleb answered. "He's five years younger than me. I take care of him. Meet his needs. And as for whether or not I fuck him, well, that's my God damn business!"

"Yeah but…" one of them began.

"Gentlemen, is there a problem here?" Charlie's gravelly voice asked, interrupting the flow of the conversation.

"No, Sir, no problem," they answered and the small group of curious doms began to break up, casting a mix of disgusted and confused looks in Caleb's direction. Jacob still clung stubbornly to Caleb's neck, his eyes closed again but a goofy grin plastered over his face.

Charlie sat down beside Caleb and lit a cigar. "Just had to go for the shock factor didn't ya?" Charlie asked as he exhaled.

"I'm tired of hiding who I am, who he is," Caleb answered, stroking his hands up and down Jacob's back over the smooth, tanned skin and up beneath the long hair to clutch the back of Jacob's neck. "He wants it like this. I'm not going to deny it to him."

Charlie didn't answer, just sat smoking in silence as the D.J. started up the music and the crowd began to move onto the dance floor near them. Edward watched from the bar through lowered eyes, glancing nervously at Jacob as the boy began to drift off to sleep, still straddling Caleb's lap, his head on his brother's broad shoulder.

#

Almost an hour later, Jacob roused to find himself tucked into one of the beds on the second floor of the club. He could hear the sink running in the bathroom and he sat up and stretched, glancing down at himself to discover that he was naked. He blushed and pulled the blanket up over his body, falling back down against the pillows. A moment later, Caleb emerged from the bathroom wrapped in a towel.

"You awake, baby?" he asked, walking over to the bed and dropping his towel onto the plush carpet.

Jacob looked over at Caleb, admiring his brothers more muscular physique and nodded.

"Good, I want to make you feel better."

Caleb pulled the blanket back and reached for Jacob's hands, lifting them up toward the headboard. "Stop!" Jacob cried, attempting to pull his hands loose from Caleb.

"What's wrong? I though you wanted this?" Caleb asked bewildered again.

"I do but… can you just leave my hands free for now? I want to touch you," Jacob pleaded.

Caleb smiled and released Jacob's hands. "Ok, baby, we do it your way tonight."

Jacob sat up and reached for Caleb, pulling him down into the bed beside him. They turned so they were face to face with each other. "Remember when you used to come into my room at night?" Jacob asked. "Remember how I used to pretend I was asleep and how you wouldn't let me touch you?"

"Yes, I remember," Caleb answered.

"I want to touch you now. I want to make you feel good. Will you let me?"

"Of course, baby. You can always touch me when you want to," Caleb answered.

"Thank you," Jacob sighed.

Caleb lay back against the pillows and let the boy work. Jacob began by drawing up over Caleb, then leaning down and pressing his full, soft mouth against Caleb's equally full, soft one. Their lips touched and Caleb opened to the kiss, pushing his tongue into Jacob's mouth and claiming him. Jacob might be playing tonight but he would play by Caleb's rules. Jacob moaned and grabbed the sides of Caleb's face to hold him steady as they kissed. Caleb allowed it, his cock beginning to fill and harden. Jacob's hand snaked down over Caleb's torso, pausing to tease Caleb's nipples to hardened points before he lowered his mouth to suck and bite at each one in turn. Caleb had a ring in his nipple, same as Jacob and Jacob took the time to give it special attention, biting and tugging gently on it.

Caleb's protracted moan and the upward thrust of his hips toward Jacob, gave the younger boy the courage to continue his exploration. Always Caleb had been the one to be doing the touching. This was like a potent intoxicant to Jacob and he was delirious with the passion of it all. He brushed his fingertips down over Caleb's muscled stomach and through the dark curls. Then leaned up and braced himself on one arm as his hand wrapped around the thick, hard cock that curved up toward Caleb's quivering stomach.

"Fuck!" Caleb moaned as Jacob began to stroke him, easily at first, slowly, then with more force, a tighter grip. It was so pleasurable that it almost hurt. Caleb's balls drew up tight against his body, so full, aching. "Oh God! He moaned as he felt the tightening in his groin, rippling up through his stomach. Jacob moved lower, his warm breath the only warning before he took Caleb's leaking cock into his mouth and began to deep throat him as if he'd been sucking cock all his life.

Caleb struggled to sort through the cloud of repressed memories and attempt to discern how many times' he'd made Jacob do that for him. He was too far gone to really pay it much attention, however. Jacob was kneading his balls and it was a sensation that Caleb wanted to concentrate on. It was close to painful and that was arousing in and of itself.

"Touch yourself, baby, let me see you do it!" Caleb begged.

Jacob glanced up at Caleb, his mouth popping off the head of his brother's cock with an obscene sound.

"You want me to stop sucking you and play with myself?" Jacob asked teasingly.

"No, do both, I want to see it!" Caleb demanded, pushing down on the back of Jacob's head.

Jacob moved so he was lying across Caleb's body half on his side, then slid one hand down over his chest and stomach to grip his half hard cock. He began to pull on it, speeding as he built up momentum.

"Oh fucking hell!" Caleb nearly shouted as the waves of heat began to blister along his nerve endings. He wanted to cum so badly that it was murder. "Jake, do you know how fucking beautiful you look doing that? Do you know how sexy you are? You could have any man in that room downstairs but you chose me! Damn!" Caleb sighed, the sigh trailing off into a moan of pleasure. He reached down and cupped Jacob's chin in his hand.

"Get up here, baby. Ride me!" Caleb ordered.

While Jacob was changing position, Caleb retrieved a bottle of lube he'd placed on the bedside table earlier. He flipped it open and reached for Jacob's hand. "Get yourself ready, boy," he whispered as he poured some of the lube over Jacob's fingers.

Jacob grinned, kneeling over Caleb; he reached behind and pressed inside, lubing up and getting himself ready. Caleb watched the flush move up over Jacob's chest, neck and into his face. Jacob's eyes fluttered closed as he fucked himself with two fingers. Caleb reached for Jacob's neglected cock and coating it in lube, began to fist it tightly and felt the boy rocking into his hand, then back onto his fingers, trapped with the dual sensations.

Caleb could only watch that spectacle for so long, enjoying the little moans and whimpers escaping from Jacob's lips before he decided he needed more. "Now, baby! I want it now!" he gasped.

Jacob pulled his fingers free and reached for Caleb's cock, guiding it into position and then lowering himself slowly down onto its thick, length. Caleb watched his brother's face for a sign of distress but saw none. Jacob was taking his time with the impaling and Caleb knew that the boy was doing his best to relax and breathe as he controlled the pace of the penetration. Caleb struggled not to thrust up into Jacob and fought the urge to roll the boy beneath him and pound into him.

At last, he was bottomed out in the impossibly tight heat. He reached for Jacob's narrow hips, bracing his hands as he began to slowly but insistently urge Jacob to move. The boy got the hint and started to rock forward as he lifted up on his knees. Caleb looked up so he could watch Jacob's face. The boy was lost in sensation, his eyes closed, his teeth clenched as he fought to stave off his orgasm, riding Caleb's cock.

"Baby, do you need it? Want to cum for me?" Caleb asked in his deepest, dirtiest voice.

"Master!" Jacob cried, wrapping his hand around the base of his cock and squeezing hard to hold it back, waiting for Caleb to give him to ok to cum.

"Not yet, baby! Wait for me. Almost there…" Caleb gasped, shoving Jacob's hand away and replacing it with his own. He began to stroke Jacob savagely. "Close, baby, so close…"

Jacob cried out and fell forward, bracing himself with his hands on Caleb's biceps as Caleb thrust up into him and manhandled his cock toward oblivion. "Master, I can't… Oh fuck…" Jacob moaned as he spilled over Caleb's hand and screamed something unintelligible.

Caleb followed after him, roaring his pleasure as the nerves fired one after another and he was blinded with ecstasy. Nothing could ever feel so good as animalistic sex like that. Nothing in the world.

Jacob lay against Caleb, their sweaty bodies twined together, drenched and covered in cum. Neither of them wanted to move but Caleb knew he needed to get Jacob cleaned up and head for home soon.

"Baby, you awake?" he asked, running his hands through Jacob's hair.

"Mmm, yeah," Jacob answered, raising his head. "Why?"

"Let's get cleaned up and head for home. I want my bed and I want you wrapped up in my arms in it!"

"K," Jacob mumbled, disentangling himself and sitting up beside Caleb. "Shower?" he asked.

"Nah, just go get cleaned up and then get dressed. I'll call Charlie while you're in the bathroom, then I'll go clean up and get dressed after your done."

#

Later that night, tucked into bed in their apartment, Caleb lay holding Jacob in his arms and stroking his fingers over the warm, soft skin. He drew the boy closer to him and pressed kisses along the side of Jacob's face. The boy was asleep and dreaming. Caleb wondered what he dreamed of. He slipped a finger into the chain around Jacob's neck and traced the edge of the padlock.

"Mine," he whispered contentedly into the top of Jacob's hair. "Mine forever."


	13. Chapter 13

Something I Can Never Have

Chapter Thirteen

"No, damn it! I told you no and I meant it! Caleb doesn't want me dancing anymore!"

Jacob turned away from Jasper and poured himself a glass of orange juice, then angrily shoved the container back into the refrigerator. Jasper lounged against the bar facing Jacob, a cigarette balanced on his lower lip, his pretty face showing his obvious frustration with the younger boys lack of cooperation with his plans.

"Come on, Jake. I'm only asking for it just this one time. You know Valentine's Day is a special occasion. The club will be absolutely packed and we can both literally clean up with the tips we'll make. Just ask him, okay? He has to say yes, you can convince him! Go down on him or something and when he's about to blow, pop off and ask him then. He'll agree to anything to get off," Jasper encouraged.

"I'd never do that my Dom you bastard! Is that how you roll? Topping your Dom from the bottom? Oh yeah, I forgot, you're a switch aren't ya?" Jacob leered.

"Fuck you, Jake! You said you'd never bring that up again! Besides, it was just that one time and it was what my Dom wanted. I don't like to top," Jasper pouted as he tapped the ashes off the end of his cigarette. "So are you gonna ask him or what?"

"Ask me what?"

Jasper and Jacob both jumped at the sound of Caleb's voice. The big boy had a way of sneaking around that un-nerved Jacob but he was so happy that his brother was here and he would no longer have to put off Jasper's requests.

"Umm, Sir, I was just asking Jacob if he would be willing to perform as my partner during the Valentine's Day party at the club. The patrons always love it when two boys dance together and it's what Charlie wants for the celebration since it's supposed to be a celebration of a couples day and all," Jasper rambled nervously, refusing to meet Caleb's eyes.

"Hmm, so, Jacob, do you want to dance with him, boy?" Caleb asked to the complete astonishment of both boys.

"Sir?" Jacob gasped.

"Is it something you would enjoy? I'd be willing to allow it if you want to do it but of course I'll be watching from the audience and I do have a few requirements if you do it," Caleb replied.

"What requirements, Sir?" Jasper asked respectfully.

"No penetration, either of you. If you want to suck each other off that's fine. No penetration with fingers, cocks or tongues. Jacob's ass is mine and I don't share and I don't want him penetrating anyone else either."

Jasper turned to look at Jacob. "You up for it?" he asked hopefully.

Jacob hesitated, biting his lower lip in his signature move of indecision. Caleb walked around the bar and laid a comforting hand on Jacob's shoulder, soothing the worried boy. "Can you give Jacob some time to decide? He can call you later today if he wants to do it. Will that be enough time?" Caleb asked.

"Yeah, sure, as long as he lets me know today. If he's not gonna do it then I gotta get someone else. Oh, by the way, I almost forgot to tell you. Jake, there was a guy asking for you at the bar last night. Said he was a doctor… I think he said his name was James but I wouldn't swear to it. You know how Edward gets shit messed up sometimes."

Jasper let himself out of the apartment and as soon as he was gone, Jacob slouched against Caleb, wrapping his arms around Caleb's waist and holding on tightly as he buried his face against his brother's neck and sighed. "He exhausts me, Master!" Jacob whispered.

"Never mind that shit. What was he saying about that doctor asking for you?" Caleb pushed Jacob back and held the boy at arm's length. "Who the hell is James?"

"I think he was my doctor in the ER that day, wasn't he? I seem to remember him being a young guy with blonde hair. It was long and he wore it pulled back. Wasn't his name James?" Jacob wondered aloud.

Caleb pulled Jacob back against him, running his hands up and down the boys back as he puzzled over this doctor asking for Jacob at the bar. How could he have traced Jacob back to the Black Swan unless he was already a member there and had perhaps seen Jacob perform and recognized him. Caleb walked Jacob over to the couch and sat him down to finish his orange juice.

"You sit there and watch Sponge Bob. Drink your juice and think about whether or not you want to dance with Jasper. It's entirely up to you, baby. If you wanna do it then do it and I promise you I won't be angry. If not then don't. I need to go call the club. Be back in a minute."

Caleb heard the obnoxious sound of Jacob's favorite cartoon on the flat screen as he was closing the door to his bedroom. He sat down on the side of his bed and dialed the club. After a moment, the call was transferred to the main bar indicating that Charlie was either not in or with a client.

"Black Swan, how may I help you?"

"Edward, its Caleb. Can you get to a computer? I need you to access the members list for me, the Doms, that is. I need you to find someone who is a doctor by trade, his first name is James or wait… maybe that's his last name…" Caleb trailed off, wishing he still had the paperwork from the hospital. "Edward, wait a minute, I'll call the hospital and find out who it was that treated Jake while he was there then I'll call you back…"

"Sir, I'm sorry for interrupting you but I think I know who you're looking for. There is a young, blonde Dom that's been a member for about a year now. He's a doctor at Tacoma General and he works in the ER. His first name is James. He's been asking for Jacob ever since that night a week ago when Jacob danced and you jumped on the stage and claimed him as yours."

Caleb's heart fell into his feet. That young doctor who had treated Jacob in the ER was a member of the club, not only that, he'd known that Caleb was Jacob's brother and seen them together in the ER. Not that it mattered since Caleb had told a group of curious Doms that very night, that he was Jake's brother. Caleb sighed and shook his head in frustration.

"What can you tell me about him, Edward," he asked hopefully.

"He's a really nice guy. No complaints about him from anyone. Been a member for a year now, I think he moved from California after medical school. I'm not completely sure but I think he was a member of a club there as well. He has good references and excellent experience. Emmett was listed as his reference. He's always happy and smiling when he's around. Really, that's about all I can tell you from looking at his computer file. Maybe Charlie could tell you more but he's out of town today on business."

"What business? He's supposed to let me know when he's leaving town so I can manage the club!" Caleb protested.

"Yes, Sir, he sent you a text this morning," Edward answered.

"Fuck," Caleb mumbled. "Listen, Edward. If this creep comes around asking about Jake again, you call me ASAP, that's an order, got it?"

"Yes, Sir!" Edward answered.

Caleb hung up and scrolled through his texts until he found the one from Charlie informing him that he was leaving town for the morning and if anything came up at the club that Caleb would have to handle it. Caleb had been so busy looking up new toys for the playroom that morning that he'd neglected his text messages. He quickly sent a reply to Charlie and said they would have to talk when he got back to town.

Jacob was still sitting in front of the TV watching Sponge Bob when Caleb returned. The empty juice glass was sitting on the coffee table. He sat down beside Jacob and put his arm around the boy. Jacob melted against him.

"Did you make up your mind boy?" Caleb asked.

Jacob looked up at Caleb and smiled. "Sir, would it please you if I dance with Jasper?"

Caleb felt the heat move through his body and he knew he was being played by those big, innocent eyes. Jacob wanted to do it but he wanted it to be a command from his Dom. That was how Jacob had to have things. Far be it from Caleb to deny the boy what he wanted.

"Yes, boy, it would please me immensely to see you dance with Jasper. I'd love to watch that," Caleb answered.

"Then I'll be happy to do it for you, Master," Jacob said, snuggling back against Caleb.

"Let's turn this obnoxious shit off and have some fun, what do you think?" Caleb asked, reaching for the remote and clicking it off.

"Oh yes, Sir!" Jacob cried enthusiastically.

"Playroom, now, strip and kneel in the center of the floor. Wait for me, no touching till I get there," Caleb ordered.

Jacob bounded up from the couch and took the key that Caleb was holding out to him. Caleb watched as his younger brother leap up the stairs, taking them two at a time and listened for the sound of the playroom door unlocking then closing. Caleb sighed and spread his legs wider, giving his cock room to fill as he ghosted his fingertips along its jean covered length. He closed his eyes and began to envision the scene he would create for his boy upstairs. His fingers pressed more urgently against his cock and his pulse quickened. Getting into the Dom headspace was so easy for Caleb but he still had to remind himself to do it. Just as he was about to get up from the couch to go join Jacob, the doorman called up to inform him that he had a visitor.

"Who is it?" Caleb asked.

"He says his name is James. He claims that he's Jacob's physician and wants to check on him."

Caleb's heart quickened and his palms began to sweat. He clenched his teeth and his fists. Who the hell was this man, coming unannounced to his apartment? Who the hell did he think he was to be so bold? "Tell him to come up," Caleb growled into the intercom, and then yelled up the stairs to Jacob.

"Jacob, get dressed and get down here. That doctor from the ER is on his way up here now. He wants to see if you're ok!"

Caleb looked around the living room to be sure there was nothing indicative of the lifestyle laying out then decided it was futile to pretend. James knew. At least he knew that Jacob was a member of the club. Perhaps he'd not seen Caleb that night. Maybe he hadn't made the connection.

The ringing of the doorbell coincided with Jacob's appearance in the living room. The boy was clearly nervous but Caleb gave him a reassuring look and he calmed down perceptively. After taking a deep breath, Caleb opened the door.

"Mr. Danvers? I'm James. I treated your brother in the ER," he held his hand out toward Caleb and Caleb, after giving him a suspicious look, took the proffered hand and shook it a bit too firmly.

"Yeah, what do you want?" he asked.

"I wanted to talk to you about your brother. As I'm sure you must know by now, I'm a member of the Black Swan. I'd seen you there before and I knew you were the co-owner. When I treated Jacob in the ER and you were with him, the nurse told me you were his brother. I have to admit, when I watched you throw him over your shoulder and declare him as yours in front of the whole room full of Doms, it rather threw me. I understand wanting to be protective of your younger brother but…"

"Is there a reason why you're here, disturbing my Saturday or are you just being nosey?" Caleb asked.

Jacob had crept down the stairs and was sitting on the bottom step. James leaned around Caleb and smiled in Jacob's direction. Jacob nodded at him but didn't return the smile.

"I asked about Jacob after that, I wanted to know what the deal was, if he had a Dom. When I was told that you'd said you were his Dom, that concerned me. I came over here to make sure he's ok."

"Do you honestly think I'm keeping him hostage or something?" Caleb asked incredulously. "He's my younger brother and I take care of him! He wasn't supposed to be dancing that night and I was pissed. I protect him from making stupid mistakes and choosing someone who might hurt him. I know what's best for him!" Caleb could feel his hold slipping and he made an effort to calm his breathing and slow his heart rate. This young man standing in his entry way was completely calm and totally in control. Caleb on the other hand, was not.

"I'm not making assumptions, Mr. Danvers. I'm only reiterating the statements you made yourself in the club. Surely you must realize that incest is not only illegal, it's psychologically detrimental to both parties. Look, I don't know what's going on, exactly but that boy I saw in the ER had more issues going on than just the flu. His nurse told me that at first he didn't want you called..."

Caleb turned to face Jacob, a questioning look on his face. "You didn't want me called?" he asked.

Jacob shuffled his feet and stared at the wall opposite him. "I didn't want to bother you with it," he mumbled.

"Jake, you know that you will never be a bother to me," Caleb replied, then turned back to face James.

"I don't know what you want from us but this conversation is over. I want you to get out of my apartment and stop harassing me and my brother. You have no proof of your allegations against me and you better knock it off before I get a lawyer involved!" Caleb threatened.

"Mr. Danvers, I didn't make any allegations. I merely stated the obvious. What you are doing to him and to yourself is wrong. It's not healthy and sooner or later it's going to blow up in your faces. I could help him if you'd let me. He needs someone other than his brother topping him and you need a submissive that doesn't have the emotional ties to you that he has. Can't you see it?"

"Get out of my apartment!" Caleb shouted.

"Fine, I'm going. Jacob?" he called, looking past Caleb. "You don't have to live like this. There are other options."

They both watched in silence as James left and Caleb locked the door behind him. Jacob sighed and hung his head and Caleb leaned against the closed door, his heart still slamming against his chest, adrenaline pumping through his veins.

"Well, that sucked!" Jacob exclaimed.

"Yeah, listen, kido, don't worry about it. I'll take care of it. I'll call Charlie, he can talk to that prick and straighten this shit all out," Caleb assured him as he walked over and put his arms around Jacob. The boy sank to his knees and wrapped his arms around Caleb's waist.

"Sir," he said, his voice muffled against the crotch of Caleb's jeans. "I don't much feel like playing anymore."

"No, me neither, Jacob, me neither," Caleb sighed, running his fingers through Jacob's long hair.


	14. Chapter 14

Something I Can Never Have

Chapter Fourteen

Jacob stood just inside the door of his dressing room. He'd been practicing his routine with Jasper all day and they both felt fairly confident that tonight's performance would pack the house. Two hot submissives dancing together for the Valentine's Day party was always a hit but with Jacob, one of the crowd pleasers, and Jasper, a regular and a favorite, the show was sure to bring in tons of business. Normally, Jacob looked forward to performing but tonight, his nerves were on edge. It had been a few days since the young doctor had made his unannounced visit to his and Caleb's apartment but Jacob hadn't been able to shake it. James's visit had put Jacob on edge. As a submissive, he shouldn't be on edge but he was and his Dom wasn't making things any better for him either.

Since the unexpected visit, Caleb hadn't been himself. He'd been distant and preoccupied, spending a lot of time alone, deep in his thoughts. When Jacob tried to engage his brother, Caleb was only half paying attention. Jacob didn't ask Caleb why he was distant. Jacob was afraid to hear the answer. The only time that Caleb had paid any real attention to him all week was when the boy had been rehearsing with Jasper. Caleb had tried to change their routine several times until Charlie finally got pissed an made Caleb leave them alone. Jacob was worried that Caleb wouldn't like the routine or that he'd think it was too sensual and jump on stage during the performance to stop them. Charlie had promised Jacob that he wouldn't let Caleb interrupt the performance.

The stage hand came around to make sure Jacob and Jasper were ready. Jasper was at the backstage door waiting to go on. He was going to be the first one under the lights and then Jacob would join him unexpectedly. Word had gotten round that Jasper was going to have another person dancing with him but no one knew for sure if it was going to be Jacob. None the less, the room was full of spectators and Jacob could feel the tension in the club building. He slipped back into his dressing room and rummaged in his duffle bag for the bottle of pills he'd stashed there earlier. He'd already taken two of the Lortabs and was thinking about taking another one. They always helped him when he danced; took away the nerves and inhibitions.

"What the hell?" Jacob murmured as he lifted the bottle and shook out two more. "It won't hurt nothing to take em," he said as he downed the additional pills with a swallow of beer.

Jasper stepped out beneath the hot lights to the visual of a completely packed house. It was literally standing room only on the dance floor and as much as Jasper wanted to believe the press of spectators was there to see him perform, he knew it was really Jacob they wanted. Jasper was good but Jacob was better. He sighed and lowered his head as the music started up. The song they had both chosen wasn't romantic or emotional. It was raw and sensual and perfect for the mood, a complete drunken party song. Mas Tequila by Sammy Hagar blasted through the clubs speakers and the room got to its collective feet and began to clap and cheer. Jasper sashayed around the pole in the center of the stage and moved his lean body to the beat while the club's patrons scrabbled for a better view. Jacob wasn't due to come onstage for at least a couple minutes.

Caleb stood beside Charlie near their table in the center of the floor directly in front of the stage. The velvet ropes kept the patrons from standing in front of them and blocking their view. Caleb bit the inside of his cheek and clutched his bottle of beer. He was a bundle of nerves and sexual tension as he waited for Jacob to take the stage. Caleb wasn't any more immune to the display than all the other men in the room. It always bothered him to hear the comments they made about Jacob. He had to struggle for control each time he watched Jacob dance. Charlie put a hand on Caleb's shoulder and gave a squeeze, noticing the younger man's consternation and wanting to help ease his friend's discomfort.

"It's all gonna be over in just a few more minutes, Caleb. Keep it together and watch him. Don't pay any attention to the others. He wanted to do it. He's not up there dancing for them, he's your sub and he's doing it for you," Charlie encouraged.

Caleb let out a sigh and tried to force himself to relax. Just then, the music amped up and Jasper who was facing the crowd, his head thrown back, hips undulating in a provocative rhythm, was joined by Jacob. The boy was shirtless, barefoot, wearing a pair of low slung cargo shorts with nothing beneath. Caleb stood up straighter, visibly tensing as his younger brother put his hands on Jasper's hips and pushed up against the leaner boy from behind. The club went wild around them, men jumping to their feet, shouting, cheering the boys on. They all wanted Jacob.

Charlie glanced aside at Caleb then past him to Emmett. The big man nodded at Charlie to confirm their earlier agreement that if Caleb tried to charge the stage, Emmett was to grab him and try to keep him restrained in such a manner that it wouldn't draw attention from the crowd. Luckily for them, the spectators weren't paying any attention to them at all. Every pair of eyes in the house was riveted on the boys on stage. The sensual bump and grind action made every mouth water and every cock harden. Submissives and Dominants alike watched breathless with anticipation as Jacob slid his hands around Jasper's hips to palm his erection through the leather pants Jasper wore. The shouts rang through the room when Jasper spun around in Jacob's arms and slithered down the more muscular boy's body to mouth at his cock through the shorts.

Jasper, still rocking his hips in rhythm to the beat, yanked open the button and lowered the zipper on Jacob's shorts, pushing them down. Jacob stepped out of them and stood, completely naked on the stage in front of everyone, the gold locket of his collar gleaming in the spotlights. Jacob threw his head back and grabbed Jasper's hair; clutching and pulling at it with both hands as Jasper began to deep throat him in time to the music. Jacob's hands gripped and pulled, his teeth clenched, his hips thrusting back into Jasper's mouth. Suddenly, and without warning, Jacob deviated from the plan and yanked up on Jasper, pulling the boy to his feet. They stood face to face for a moment, Jasper's face painted with a look of confusion, and then Jacob grabbed the front of Jasper's leather pants and yanked them down almost viciously. Jasper knew enough to go along with it. Jacob was famous for just making things up as he went. Jasper would play along. Jacob tore the leather pants off his companion and tossed them aside, then turned Jasper to face the pole and shoved him against it.

Jasper gasped at the cold metal against his chest and clutched it with both hands. He felt the heat of Jacob's sweaty, muscular body press against him from behind, then the unmistakable press of his cock head, still slippery from the blow job Jasper had been giving him. Jasper turned to look over his shoulder at Jacob and didn't recognize the face. His partner looked like a stranger to him, the expression feral and vicious. "Jake?" Jasper asked, questioningly, his voice lost in the loud music and chanting screams from the crowd.

Jacob shoved his cock into the tight body he held prisoner against the stripper pole. He sucked in a breath of air and moaned against the back of Jasper's neck as he bottomed out and clutched Jasper's hips for leverage. He wasn't conscious of Jasper's protests or the fact that the other boy wasn't a willing partner in it. Jacob began to thrust almost cruelly into Jasper, forcing Jasper's hips against the pole. The beat of the music, the screams of the crowd, the euphoria of the narcotics in his system fueling him on as he raped Jasper against the pole. The spectators shouted words of encouragement; the dance floor was in mayhem. Charlie had never allowed all out fucking on the stage before, at least not in this form. The crowd was wild, men were pushing their submissives over the table tops and fucking them as they watched, and others were stomping and clapping and shouting. It was a completely out of control environment and lost somewhere in the mayhem was the only man who might have been able to stop it from escalating.

Caleb stood fixed to the spot; Emmett had moved forward through the crowd, sensing the impending danger and was clutching Caleb's arms tightly. Caleb, however, didn't even notice. His shocked and hurt expression was the only sign that he was even registering the display on stage. Charlie had left him alone for the moment and was trying to fight his way back stage to have the music cut and the curtain dropped but the press of people prevented him from gaining the backstage door.

Jacob was lost in the moment. His mind was far away and long ago. He didn't hear the music or the screams of the patrons. He wasn't even aware of the crime he was committing or the willing surrender of the man in his arms. He was 14 years old again, standing against a brick wall, feeling the roughness and struggling to stand up as he gave up his last vestige of virginity. Such a long time ago, so many memories, it was Caleb's voice, speaking in his ear in hot, dirty words, encouraging him to let go, to become something else, someone else, to belong only to him, to Caleb. The narcotics dulled his pain, his inhibitions. Jacob felt his knees go weak as the orgasm took him almost unawares and he pulled out of Jasper and dropped to the floor. The song ended. Jacob tottered on his knees for a moment and blackness began to surround him. He could hear voices calling his name, feel hands shaking him then everything went still, everything went silent.

"Help! Somebody call a fucking doctor!" Jasper screamed, shaking Jacob's limp form. The boy wasn't breathing, his lips were turning blue.

"Jacob!" Caleb screamed and tore himself free of Emmett, shoving people aside as he ran toward the stage.

"I'm a doctor, let me through!" A familiar voice called and James reached the stage at almost the same moment as Caleb. He knelt down beside Jacob and rolled the boy onto his back as he felt for a pulse. Caleb stood helpless to one side, watching as this man handled his younger brother.

"Call an ambulance!" James shouted, then he began to compress Jacob's chest with his hands and blow air into the boy's lifeless lungs.

"Is he… is he gonna be ok?" Caleb asked helplessly but James didn't stop to answer.

Emmett and Edward along with the other wait staff began to clear the room and someone had the peace of mind to close the curtains on the stage. Charlie was on his cell phone to 911. Jasper stood off to one side, his arms wrapped around his chest as one of the stage hands draped a blanket over his naked form.

"Jake… buddy… please…?" Caleb begged as tears streamed down his face.

"Um, Sir…" Charlie turned toward the stage hand who was trying to get his attention and noticed the bottle of pills the young man was holding up. Charlie took them and then tossed them to Caleb. It was obvious what had happened. Caleb knelt down and held the bottle out where James could see and the young doctor nodded as he continued CPR.

#

It had been nearly an hour since Jacob had been whisked back into the ER, nearly an hour since Caleb had laid eyes on his baby brother. Charlie stood a few feet away, staring out the window of the private, family consultation room of the ER, watching the few snow-flakes dotting the window in the darkness. He didn't speak and neither did Caleb. There was nothing to say. Jasper sat beside Edward on the other side of the room, crying silently. Edward squeezed his hand and tried to convey comfort. None of them wanted comfort. Each of them wanted to see James again, to have him suddenly appear in the room and tell them everything was going to be all right. But everything wasn't going to be all right. Finally, Caleb could stand it no longer.

"I'm going to find out what's going on," he mumbled and pushed up from his chair. At exactly that moment, a nurse stuck her head in the door.

"Which of you is Caleb?" she asked.

"That's me," Caleb answered, walking toward her. She gestured for him to follow her and they walked together down the narrow hallway and into the main ER. Caleb drifted back in his mind to when he'd been in this same ER with Jacob when the boy had the flu. It seemed like so long ago. It had been slightly less than a month. The door to the trauma room was open and Jacob was lying on a bed with doctors, James among them, on each side and nurses working over the top of him. James gestured for Caleb to come inside.

"We've got him stabilized. The ventilator will breathe for him and the drugs we're giving him will keep his heart beating. We just have to wait for the narcotics to get out of his system. I put him on a Narcan drip and that should help to wake him up soon. I got on his chest pretty quickly after he went down. I think he should recover without any trouble."

Caleb felt lightheaded as the violent relief flooded his system. He covered his face with his hands and broke down in sobs. James put a hand on the big boys shoulder and gave it a squeeze, then led Caleb out of the room. They stood together just outside the door as the nurses zipped in and out past them. Caleb struggled for control, and then looked down at James.

"Thank you for saving his life. He's everything to me…" Caleb didn't bother finishing his thought.

"I'm sorry, Caleb. You realize he's probably been on the narcs all along? I mean Charlie, he told me about how you found the pills before. I doubt if he ever stopped taking them. Why do you think he's taking them, Caleb?"

Caleb sniffed and looked away from the young doctor's piercing blue eyes. He knew good and well why Jacob was taking the pills. It was to deal with his life, to block out everything. Caleb knew the sham was over. No matter what he'd told himself, or what Jacob had tried to convince him of, it was done. They would never be able to live that way again. Caleb felt a fresh batch of tears start to flow and wasn't even conscious of James leading him down the hall.

Charlie drove Caleb home that night. The ICU had allowed them to visit for a few minutes but James had left strict instructions that Caleb was not to spend the night. Charlie didn't want Caleb left alone so he took the big boy home with him, back to the club and his small but luxurious apartment on the top floor. Caleb collapsed on the couch and stared into space like a robot as Charlie locked up and turned on the security system. When he reached for Caleb's hand to lead him to the bedroom, the boy followed after him without a word. Charlie sighed and turned to face his business partner.

"Caleb, I…" for once, the older Dom was without words. He wanted so to help but he honestly didn't know what else he could do.

Caleb stood shaking and biting at his bottom lip, the same nervous gesture that Jacob had. Then to Charlie's surprise, the big boy dropped to his knees and clutched at Charlie.

"Help me!" he begged.

Charlie reached down and ran his fingers through Caleb's short, dark hair. "I'll help you boy," he whispered.


	15. Chapter 15

Something I Can Never Have

Chapter Fifteen

Jacob stood up and gathered his belongings, fastening his violin into the case and shoving the music sheets into the folder in his backpack. He slung the pack over his shoulder and picked up his case, pushing his chair back as he exited the practice hall without so much as a backward glance at his classmates. He hadn't felt much like being social since he'd come home from the hospital. James had insisted on Jacob getting some therapy for his addiction to the pain pills and Caleb had been in agreement. Their joint therapist had set up some outpatient drug treatment for him at the hospital and he'd been going to those sessions three days a week and he and Caleb would then meet their therapist on Friday's. Jacob felt as if his whole week was already planned out for him and he honestly hated it.

Caleb had gone back to being a brother only to Jacob since the overdose. They hadn't played together or scened. They hadn't visited the club either, at least Jacob hadn't. He was fairly certain that when he went to class in the morning, Caleb went to see Charlie but it was just a hunch on Jacob's part. He walked across the bleak, winter campus and headed toward his mustang, dodging the people and keeping his head down. No one even bothered to try and talk to him. Jacob's moodiness as of late had only further served to ostracize him from his peers.

He tossed his case in the back seat and his backpack went in after it, then he started the engine and revved it up just to hear the power in it. He did love his car. It had been a gift from Caleb of course. Everything he had came from Caleb. Sometimes Jacob wished it hadn't needed to be that way and that he didn't have to be so dependent on his brother. Maybe when school was over and he'd graduated…

The traffic on the freeway wasn't too bad and Jacob made it back to the apartment just before the snow began to fly. He paced back and forth in the living room looking out of the wall of windows over downtown Tacoma. It was a nasty, cold, gray day and the snow was getting heavier and heavier. Where the hell was Caleb? Just as Jacob was about to dial Caleb on his cell, it rang in his hand, startling the boy and nearly making him drop his phone.

"Yeah?" Jacob answered without bothering to look at the number calling him.

"Um, is this Jacob?" a somewhat familiar voice asked.

"Yes, who is this?" Jacob asked.

"It's James. I got your number from Jasper. I hope you don't mind but I wanted to check on you. How are you doing?"

Jacob stood frozen in the middle of the living room. He wasn't sure what to do. If Caleb had been there as he should have been, then Jacob could ask him what to say. A small part of him wanted to just hang up the phone but the larger part of him, the part of his mind that still belonged to him, wanted to talk to this handsome, young doctor, this dom. The natural sub in Jacob longed to unburden the cares and worries onto someone else.

"Uh, I'm not so sure that Caleb wants me to talk to you Sir…" Jacob began.

"Caleb's at the club with Charlie. Would he be angry with you if we met for a cup of coffee?" James asked, his voice calm, steady, anchoring.

"Well…" Jacob hedged a bit, still unsure but he had another out, another excuse. "I really don't want to get out in this weather."

"You won't have to drive. I'm at the coffee shop across the street from your apartment."

Jacob felt his hands begin to shake. He took a deep, calming breath and attempted to center himself as he remembered James's intense, dark blue eyes staring down at him as he lay in the hospital bed, helpless, tied down, on the breathing machine. He remembered the calming words James had spoken to him to get him over the panic of waking up like that. He remembered too, the warmth of James's big hand closing down over his smaller hand, holding it, soothing him. Jacob let out a breath and made his decision.

"I'll be right over."

#

Caleb knelt up, facing the wall, his hands braced on the back of his neck, elbows out, chest out, head up, eyes down. He loathed and loved being forced into submission but there was only one man who could do it.

"Nice form, boy!" Charlie's gravelly voice praised from behind him. "Very impressive body; I'm glad to see you still take pride in your appearance. I'd hate to see you lose that."

Caleb remained silent, knowing that Charlie was a man who didn't need a lot of words to get the job done. He felt the floor vibrate under his knees as the older Dom walked a circle around him and he struggled to keep the difficult position, the wood floor cutting into his knees.

"Who are you, boy?" Charlie asked.

"Caleb Danvers-Black, Sir!"

"What are you, Caleb?" Charlie asked, reaching down to brush his fingers through Caleb's hair.

"I'm a… I'm… Sir, I don't know anymore!" Caleb stammered, closing his eyes against the onslaught of emotion that welled up.

Charlie knelt down on the floor beside Caleb and wrapped the big boy in his arms. "I understand, boy. You're confused now and you think you're failing everyone, yourself, Jacob, this club. Let me tell you something, Caleb. You take too much onto yourself. Jacob is not a child. He's an adult and I tried to get him away from you, get him out on his own but both of you told me it wasn't something either of you could live with. I believe that and honestly, if Jacob doesn't make the decision to grow up then I doubt if things will ever be any different with you two. He still behaves as if he's the frightened 14 year old boy you first started to molest and yes, that's what it was, Caleb and you know it."

Caleb let out a strangled kind of sobbing sound and fell back onto his heels, managing to keep his hands on the back of his neck but only barely. Charlie sat down on the hardwood beside him, stretching out his long legs and leaning closer to Caleb.

"I'm losing him, Sir!" Caleb moaned miserably.

"Yes, Caleb, I think you are and that's all right. It's time he broke away from you and stood on his own. Its time you had a proper submissive, one that isn't blood related to you. You need someone strong who can see through all your bullshit, someone who can handle it if you break down from time to time and you will, Caleb. Someone who has been through what you've been through, the years of abuse and manipulation from your mother, the unhealthy relationship with Jacob… You have to find a really strong submissive, a man who can be what his Master needs."

"Yes, Sir but I want…"

"You want Jacob, I know. I'm sorry, Caleb but that isn't what's best for either of you. Now go to the wall. I'm going to center you and I want you to go into subspace for a bit, relax, turn it all over to me and let me be in control. It'll do you good to let the guard down even if it's just for a few minutes."

Caleb stood, helped to his feet by Charlie and walked stiffly over to the wall. He braced his hands on it and spread his legs for balance, pushing his ass back a bit to give Charlie a good target.

"Nice, good boy!" Charlie praised.

Caleb closed his eyes and leaned forward, resting his forehead against the brick wall. His breathing began to slow, even out. He felt the tension drain out of his shoulders even as the first blow of the crop fell against his back. Charlie had a good hand and he didn't tire out easily as some other Dom's did. Caleb felt each stinging blow as Charlie moved them lower and lower, the leather caressing Caleb's dark skin like the fingertips of a lover. Caleb hadn't realized how badly he needed this, the letting go, the surrendering.

"That's it, boy, let it all go, fly."

Charlie's voice anchored him, centered him. Caleb's memory fled back in time to the reservation when he and Jacob had been younger, playing in the tree's, swimming in the ocean. Back to the day's before Caleb had corrupted their relationship, changed it into something dark and twisted. Caleb remembered other memories, himself, growing up in the large, old mansion in Massachutes, playing alone in the acres of apple orchards, running through old rooms with sheets spread over the furniture, hiding in the closet in his room when his mother and whomever she'd brought home from the bar were in an argument and lastly, him, giving her the comfort she sought from him as he got older and his body became that of a man though his mind was still a boy's.

Each memory, the good and the bad, twining together in a kind of tapestry of flowing thoughts and all of it forming the colorful and somewhat tragic story of his life. Caleb hung his head lower, the rest of the tension draining completely away as the blows rained down and his body tensed and relaxed of its own volition; Caleb was no longer in control of it.

When Charlie slowed the blows and then stopped them, Caleb wasn't even aware of it. When the older man moved to the side and took Caleb by the arm to guide him away from the wall, he walked like a man in a dream. Charlie smiled to himself. It was the exact reaction he'd been hoping to get. He eased Caleb down onto the couch and sat down with him, laying the younger man's head in his lap. Charlie began to run his fingertips through Caleb's thick, dark hair, brushing it back from his face lovingly.

"I think I know who can help you, Caleb. Are you willing to accept my decision?"

"Yes, Sir…" Caleb murmured.

Charlie picked up the phone on the table beside the couch and dialed Emmett in security. He spoke in hushed tones and Caleb was barely aware of the conversation. Moments later, there was a knock at the door and Emmett's head popped inside. He glanced at Caleb, laying naked on the couch with his head in Charlie's lap, and then looked up at Charlie with a questioning expression. Charlie nodded and Emmett shrugged, and then stepped aside, holding the door open for the man who was with him.

"You wanted to see me, Sir?" Edward Cullen asked.

#

Jacob pushed open the door to the café, the little bell over it ringing cheerfully in the gloomy weather. He was literally blown inside by a gust of wind. Jacob stood brushing the snow off his coat and then pulled off his gloves and shoved them into the pocket of his black coat. He scanned the room and noticed James sitting at a back table by one of the side windows overlooking the street. James nodded to him.

Jacob nodded back and began to unbutton his coat and unwind his scarf as he walked toward the table. He put them down in the chair beside James and pulled out the one directly across from him. The handsome, young doctor had left his blonde hair hanging loose around his cherubic face and the usual three or four day's stubble of blonde hair made him look a little bit older than he probably was. Jacob wondered to himself exactly how old James might be but didn't ask aloud. A waitress appeared and inquired what he would like.

"Black coffee, large, cinnamon and sugar doughnut," Jacob answered in a monotone voice. The waitress disappeared, James cleared his throat, and then began to speak.

"Look, I know the dynamics between you and Caleb. You don't need me to lecture you about how wrong it is. I'm concerned about your state of mind, not his. He's the Dom, you're the sub, I get it but things aren't ok if you feel that you have to take drugs in order to deal with your everyday life situations. Did you not want to dance that night, Jacob?" he asked.

"Yes, I love to dance but the drugs always made it easier for me so I didn't have to be self-conscious. Surely you understand that!"

"Yes, I understand about not wanting to be self-conscious but Jacob, most subs aren't self-conscious. Most subs are very uninhibited by virtue of the fact that their inhibitions and limits are controlled by someone else. Do you feel insecure when you're up there in front of everyone?" James asked, glancing up at Jacob over the top of his mug.

"Sometimes, I mean… well, yeah, I guess so."

"I don't understand that, Jacob. You have a beautiful body and you're very handsome. Don't you realize that all the men in that club would die for the chance to be with you? All of them want to dominate you, yet you always run back to him. Why do you do that, Jacob? Are you afraid of Caleb? Has he ever abused you?"

Jacob flinched. James was hitting too close to the mark with his questions but then, that's what good Doms were all about. A skilled Dom could get into a subs head with no trouble at all, find the fears, insecurities and play upon them to obtain total and complete submission. A good Dom knew how to work the head games to his advantage and yet free the submissive from those things that weighed him down. Jacob could tell that James was just that kind of Dom and he knew he probably needed to get the hell out of there. Yet he couldn't find the strength to do it.

The waitress returned with his coffee and doughnut and paused to refill James's mug. When she'd gone, Jacob noticed that James was still sitting there, staring at him, and waiting for an answer. Jacob bit his lip and hesitated, and then he did something that astounded him, even as the words left his mouth.

"Caleb's been molesting me since I was about 14."

James nodded solemnly. "I figured as much," he replied.

Jacob felt as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He'd said aloud what he'd known all his life and kept locked in the dark places. He'd admitted to Charlie that Caleb had touched him, even told Charlie that it wasn't right but to actually say the word molest, to actually put a name to it… that was something that Jacob didn't even know he was capable of doing. He didn't realize he'd started to cry until a tear fell onto the black, polished wood of the table in front of him. He stared at it as if it was an alien thing to be feared.

"Jacob, you want to be free of him, don't you?"

Jacob swallowed hard and bit down on his lip so hard he tasted blood. "Yes and no, it's so hard to explain because I don't really understand it myself. I tried to live apart from him but…"

"But Jasper didn't give you what you needed. If you're going to get away from him, you'll need someone who can give you what you have to have and guide you. You'll be lost for a little while. It would be nice to think that you could learn to stand on your own but I don't think that's possible for you, Jacob. You need and want to be taken care of but it should be someone that's good for you. It can't be Caleb anymore."

"And I suppose you think you're the man to do it?" Jacob asked, glancing across the table but not quite meeting the other man's eyes,

"Yes, Jacob, I do."


	16. Chapter 16

Something I Can Never Have

Chapter Sixteen

"Sir, I would love to help you with your problem but I'm not sure Caleb and I would be a good fit."

Edward Cullen shifted nervously from foot to foot and chewed his bottom lip. Charlie Swan poured himself a glass of bourbon from the decanter on his desk and swirled the contents thoughtfully as he prepared his defense.

"Boy, I've known both of you for how long now? 10 plus years for Caleb and nearly 8 for you; so I think I trust my own judgment on who would be a good fit for who around here. I've been trying to find a way to help Caleb and Jacob get over their respective issues and you are very well aware of what I'm referring to. I know for a fact that they'd both be better off with partners other than each other. They're both too much alike in temperament to be good for each other even if they weren't blood related."

Edward shifted again and stared at the floor then took a deep breath. "Sir, in all due respect, I'm terrified of him."

"Of who, Caleb?" Charlie asked, turning toward Edward.

"Yes, Sir, he's always intimidated me, Sir."

"That's his fucking job, Edward, to intimidate you! If he coddled his submissives he'd be a shitty Dom now wouldn't he?" Charlie asked, glancing at Edward over the top of his glass.

Edward sighed, wiggling his foot around on the floor. "I suppose your right about that, Sir but I don't want to be the one taking Jacob's place in his life. I saw Jacob that day after Caleb beat the shit out of him and I can tell you right now that if that big bastard was to ever hit me that way…"

"Now Edward, that is exactly why I think you and he would be a good match! You won't put up with any of his abusive shit; you'll call him on it! Jacob always just took it until it got to be too much. You won't. Edward, you will remind him when he loses his headspace. I understand that Caleb is the Master and should be always in control but it's not usually like that in reality and you and I both know it. A submissive/dominant pair needs to have balance and I think you would provide a good counterweight to Caleb's instability. I'm not trying to throw you to the dogs here, Edward. You've been lonely for a long fucking time and I've seen the way you look at him…"

"Sir, I'm sorry to interrupt but I'd hardly call ogling someone a reason to think that we'd be a good fit. It's true; I do think Caleb is one of the most beautiful men I've even seen. Jacob could fit that description as well, though his vulnerability is an absolute turn off to me. I just don't want to put myself in danger is all. You know how easily I fall in love and I'm not so sure that's what Caleb wants."

"Caleb wants someone to take care of. You need someone to take care of you. He's slightly off balance. You are one of the most grounded, stable men I know. You will serve his needs and he will provide for yours."

"What about Jacob, Sir? Caleb isn't just going to let him go," Edwards face showed his obvious concern as he voiced it to Charlie.

Charlie sighed and scratched the back of his head before setting his glass down on the desk. He opened the door to his private playroom to check on Caleb who was still resting quietly on the couch, curled up beneath a soft blanket and sleeping soundly.

"Edward, James is talking to Jacob in a coffee shop near their apartment right now. He called me this morning and asked me for Jacob's number and I gave it to him. I think he would be excellent for Jacob. James is a no nonsense kind of Dom that develops the true submissive and dominant relationship boundaries before he moves into the sexual territory where the lines get blurred and crossed. He wants to help Jacob discover who he is beneath the surface and what it is that Jacob really needs. Jake needs to become a person all to himself and separate from Caleb. Who knows? The boy may even decide that this lifestyle isn't for him after he gets away from Caleb and under a Dom that will actually challenge him instead of coddling him."

Edward stared through the open door at the big boy sleeping on the couch and made no effort to suppress the shudder that ran through his body. He could not deny that he'd often wondered what it would be like to be at the end of Caleb's flogger or crushed beneath that big, muscular body, covered in sweat, touching, tasting, smelling, and feeling everything…

"Sir, I've never seen fit to question your judgment before and I won't now. If you think it will work then I'm willing to give it a shot."

"Fine, when he wakes up, I'll talk to him and we'll set up negotiations," Charlie answered. "Here, Edward, have a drink," he said as he poured a glass of the bourbon for his favorite bartender and handed it over. Edward gladly took it.

#

The snow had stopped blowing while they were talking in the coffee shop. James had invited Jacob to come to his apartment and Jacob had agreed. Normally, something like that would have set off alarms in the boy's head but he wanted to find out more about James. There was something about the man that drew him in a way he couldn't comprehend. Jacob had gone back across the street to retrieve his car from the parking garage and then followed James across the city to a block of impressive town houses in a row on a quiet tree-lined street. James parked in front of one of the buildings and Jacob pulled in just behind him.

"Hey, I was worried you wouldn't be able to keep up with me. I drive real fucking fast!" James called over his shoulder as he headed up the steps toward the front door.

"Nah, my Mustang is much faster than your Camaro!" Jacob teased, following him at a slight distance.

"We'll have to have a race sometime and see," James answered as he unlocked the door and held it aside for Jacob to go in.

The town house was very simple, low key and minimalistic in design. Jacob liked it immediately. He hated clutter and had been almost hoping that James was a hoarder so he'd have a reason not to like the man. No such luck. James closed and locked the front door and gestured toward the couch across the open room.

"Have a seat. Would you like a drink? Oh shit! I'm sorry! I forgot that you're underage, aren't ya?" James teased, his blue eyes sparkling and his smile un-nerving Jacob but in a good way.

"Um, yeah but I usually don't drink anyway. I used to get plastered but I decided I don't like the way it makes me feel the next day," Jacob answered, blushing and lowering his head to hide from those stunning blue eyes.

"Right, Charlie told me he had to get on you for the boozing a while back. Its ok, I understand. Every boy has to go a little crazy, sow some wild oats. So, Jacob, you're in school, Charlie tells me?"

James bent to retrieve a beer from his mini-frig and came to join Jacob on the couch. Jacob scooted over to give James some room but James sat very close to him, just the same. Jacob cleared his throat, leaned toward the arm of the couch and tried to get comfortable.

"Uh yeah, I'm studying music at a private college here in Tacoma. My brother is paying for it. He wanted me to have the best education possible. I'm trying to make sure I do well. I mean, it's something I want to do professionally when I'm done with school. I have a spot on the city orchestra but lately I've missed a lot of practices. I hope they don't throw me off."

James was staring hard at Jacob as he spoke as if assessing the weight of the boy's words. Jacob flushed under the potency of that stare. He felt as if he were already naked and bound and that excited him somewhat. James was a very effective Dom and he'd not even made a move to touch Jacob yet.

"Jacob, I'm still concerned over the fact that you felt you needed to numb yourself so you could dance at the club. Tell me more about that, please?" James requested, settling back against the couch and draping an arm behind Jacob. Jacob leaned unconsciously back against that warmth as he began to speak.

"I don't know why I did it really. Jasper gave them to me. I promised I wouldn't tell that so please don't repeat it. He said it would help with the pre-stage jitters and it did but it was more than that really. I liked the way they made me feel, sort of numb to everything. I liked to dance. I liked the power it gave me over that room. I could tell they liked me. I knew they all wanted me and that was an awesome feeling but I always felt sort of vulnerable when I was up there. If I numbed that with the narcs then it didn't matter. I could get the best of it without…"

"Without having to let that feeling of being open, exposed get to you?" James interrupted.

"Yeah, something like that I think. I mean… well, yeah." Jacob stammered, feeling the blush moving up over his face again.

James moved a bit closer to Jacob and laid a hand up high on Jacob's thigh. "I think you secretly would love to give up that control, wouldn't you?"

"Yes, I don't like to be the one making decisions or calling the shots. I just want to be…"

"What do you want to be?" James asked, leaning even closer yet, his face only inches from Jacob's. The boy could feel the warmth of James's body pressing close to him. He turned and looked deep into those haunting blue eyes and swallowed hard.

"Someone's everything," Jacob breathed as James cupped the side of his face and pulled Jacob to him.

The feel of James's lips against his was so different from Caleb's fuller, softer ones. James was in control of the kiss from the start. He moved to pull Jacob tighter against him, their chests pressing together as James deepened the kiss and the tip of his tongue quested against Jacob's mouth. Jacob opened to that kiss, finding that he suddenly needed this like he needed air and light and water.

James's hand moved to the back of Jacob's head and tangled in the boy's long hair as the hand on Jacob's thigh moved up higher still and James's fingertips brushed against the zipper of Jacob's jeans. The breath hitched in the boy's chest and a moment of panic broke out over him. He pushed against James and leaned back on the arm of the couch, breathing hard and looking like a frightened animal.

"Don't!" he warned when James tried to come even closer.

"Why are you so afraid, Jacob? Do you think I'll hurt you?" James asked. "Am I too aggressive? You didn't strike me as the type of sub that wanted to be wined and dined before the fun started."

"Is that why you brought me here? Did you think I'd let you fuck me?" Jacob cried, attempting to stand up and move away from James but the older man was quicker.

James leap to his feet and wrapped both arms around Jacob's waist, pulling him back down on the couch and holding the struggling boy tightly in his lap as he waited for the fit of panic to pass.

"Jake, I'm not going to rape you now stop fighting me!" James assured him. After a moment, Jacob gradually calmed down and eased his movements.

"Let go of me!" he demanded and James loosened up the tension of his arms but didn't release Jacob just yet.

"I want you to stay with me. That kiss, it was just to see if there was any point in going on. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that you don't turn me on sexually, Jacob. I know you can feel how hard I am right now since you're sitting on my lap. I will tell you that it takes all my reserve not to throw you down on this couch right now and fuck some sense into you but I know better. I'm sure that's what Caleb would do but it's not me. That's not how I roll. I want to get to know you better first, take you out a few times, find out exactly what your submission means to you and if you're still interested after that… Then we'll see what happens."

James let go of Jacob and eased him onto the couch beside him. Jacob was still eyeing James suspiciously but he seemed less skittish at least. He watched James's every move as the young doctor reached for his beer and took a swig, then set it back down and turned to face Jacob again.

"How does that sound to you, boy? You wannna go out with me a few times, maybe see a movie? I'll tell you whatever you want to know about me and you can tell me all your secrets. It'll be fun."

Jacob was quiet for a moment as he mulled that over in his brain. James leaned back against the couch and watched him. "Ok, I'll go out with you but I need to talk to Caleb about all this first. He's gonna flip out on me and probably be pissed so don't be surprised if he calls you or tries to beat the shit out of you."

"I can handle him. I'm not scared of Caleb Danvers. He's a big son of a bitch that's for sure but I'm no light weight either. I'm lean, I work out and I know a bit of karate so I think I can defend myself. Tell him to bring it on!"

"I don't want you fighting with Caleb!" Jacob protested. "If we're going to be anything at all then you and he will have to find a way to get along with each other!"

"Fine, fine, I'll work on being nice but don't expect me to kiss his ass! He's been manipulating you for way to long and I'm through with sitting back and watching that. Jacob, you are so worth it to me and I want you in my life. I've wanted you for a long time now and fate put you in my hands. I'm not letting this chance get away from me."

"I hope I don't disappoint you then," Jacob answered.

#

Caleb had been home for a few hours when he heard the front door open. He sat on the sofa and waited for Jacob to put his things away and the soft sound of his stocking feet padding across the carpet drew Caleb's eyes from the spot on the floor that he'd been staring at.

"Hey," Jacob called as he sat down in the recliner across from Caleb.

"Where have you been?" Caleb asked, looking up but not quite meeting Jacob's eyes.

"I was just out with a friend. We had coffee. Where were you?" Jacob asked.

"I was at Charlie's. He's been helping me work through some stuff. So who were you with?"

Jacob looked up and met Caleb's eyes for the first time since he'd come in. Caleb appeared nervous, pensive, maybe. Jacob didn't like that look on him. "I was with James."

Caleb flinched visibly with that admission. He'd been warned by Charlie when he woke up, that James had called Jacob. Charlie didn't pull any punches and he'd wanted Caleb to be prepared for it when he got home.

"And…?"

Jacob felt the heat rise into his face yet again and he knew now was the moment for it. He cleared his throat, swallowed and looked back at his brother. "He wants to date me."

Caleb had known it was coming and it still made him reel. "What do you want, Jacob?" he asked, his pulse racing, his mouth dry.

"I would like to, that is, I mean if you'll let me, Sir."

Caleb got up quickly and went into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of wine. It wasn't as if he needed the drink, he just wanted it. It would buy him some time to school his features and prepare to say what he had to say. By the time he got back in to the living room, Jacob who'd looked flushed when he left now appeared to be a little pale and was sweating a bit.

"Hey, are you ok, kido?" Caleb asked, sitting the wine down on the coffee table and kneeling in front of Jacob.

"Yeah, I'm just feeling nauseous. I figured you'd blow a gasket or something when I said that," he answered.

"Jacob, I love you and I want what's best for you. If I'm not that then I want you to have the one you think is. I know James. I looked into his background and I think… No, I know that he'd be good for you. He's a good Dom, no complaints about him or anything. Charlie thinks highly of him. I don't like the idea of letting you go but…" Caleb felt his control slipping so he thought it best if he didn't say anything further; instead, he reached up and pulled Jacob into his arms.

Jacob relaxed into Caleb finding comfort in what was so familiar to him. It would always be easier with Caleb but there would be no challenge, there would be no moving forward or growing as a pair. There would always be just this, the easy, truce of what was known, what was simple. That wasn't what they needed and they both knew it.

"Edward Cullen agreed to be my new submissive."

Jacob bristled at Caleb's words and drew back from his brother to look into his eyes. "You and Edward?" Jacob asked incredulously.

"Yes, Charlie thinks it'd be a good match. Don't you?" Caleb asked.

"I don't think Edward would be…" Jacob stopped. He was doing exactly what he'd expected Caleb would do; giving all the reasons why it wouldn't be a good idea instead of looking for the reasons why it would. "I'm sorry, I guess I'm a little bit jealous," Jacob pouted.

"Do you think I'm not, boy?" Caleb asked, wrapping Jacob up in his arms again. "So when are you going to go out with James?"

"I told him I needed to discuss it with you first so I didn't agree to a date yet," Jacob answered.

"You can see him whenever you want to, Jake. I'm not going to stand in the way of that," Caleb replied.

"Good, I'm glad you're seeing it that way. I was so afraid you'd just explode."

"Normally I would but I think maybe we need to try it this way for a while and see what happens. If it doesn't work, we can always come back to each other. In all likelihood, you and I will need each other like that every once in a while. As long as Edward and James understand that then I think things will be ok. I'll try to be understanding of him if you need me to be," Caleb said, running his big hands through Jacob's hair.

"I think that's what I want, Caleb but…" Jacob pulled back and Caleb could see the mist of tears forming in Jacob's eyes. "I don't think we can ever be together like that again. If we do, then it's not being true to the other person is it?"

"No, probably not," Caleb agreed.

"Caleb?"

"Yes, boy?"

"Will you let me sleep with you tonight?"

"Of course, Jacob."

"Will you love me one more time?"

"Yes, Jacob, I will," Caleb agreed and as he carried Jacob toward the bedroom, his heart breaking in his chest, he knew that even as he loved him, that one last time, it would tear his soul to a thousand shreds and destroy the last bit of the old Caleb that remained. Maybe, just maybe, Edward Cullen would be strong enough to put the pieces back together. Maybe James would be man enough to control Jacob's rebellious nature. Perhaps Caleb would have to let fate decide things for once and hope that it was the right path.

The door to the bedroom closed and the apartment was quiet and dark. After a while, the soft sounds of lovemaking disturbed the silence but only for a little while. They lay there in the darkness, wrapped tightly in each other's arms, just as they'd done in the darkness of many nights, all down through their years together. Maybe if life had not been so cruel to them both then none of the things that happened would have ever occurred but sometimes we want things. Sometimes those things are not ours to have and sometimes they are.

#

Across town, Charlie Swan leaned back against the bar and looked out over the crowded dance floor. He smiled to himself, contented with his domain and for the moment, not terribly worried about the sanity of two that he loved the most. He turned and made his way back to his office and pressed the intercom.

"Yes, Sir!" Emmett's booming voice called back.

"Bring me Jasper, please," Charlie answered.

A few moments passed before Jasper knocked at the door to Charlie's office.

"You wanted me, Sir?" Jasper asked.

"You bet your sweet ass I did!" Charlie Swan replied.

The End


	17. Chapter 17

Something I Can Never Have

Chapter Seventeen

Jacob stood in the open door of the apartment. Over a year had passed since he'd been James's sub. In that year, James had trained him extensively in the art of complete submission and Jacob had become James's 24/7 live in slave. It wasn't what he wanted or needed. He'd believed it was at the time and James had been so convincing. He'd slowly worked his way into Jacob's head, making the boy believe that what his Master wanted was exactly what Jacob should want. Jacob didn't believe James was trying to hurt him, however. He understood that he and James required very different types of kink.

The sexual side to Jacob's submission had never been a big requirement for James. He seemed to get off more on the domination and surrender. He put Jacob in situations that the boy wasn't comfortable with and seemed somewhat pouty if Jacob used his safeword. James always honored it but things would be sour between them for days after. For Jacob, the situation had gone slowly downhill. James wasn't cruel exactly, he just didn't understand what Jacob needed.

He had begun to isolate Jacob from his outside contacts as well and he did it in such a way that Jacob began to believe the manipulation James fed him. James had convinced Jacob that Charlie, Jasper, even Jacob's brother Caleb, were against his relationship with Jacob. Caleb, of course, had been absolutely livid with the fact that he had increasing difficulties contacting his younger brother, especially considering the fact that Jacob was his life prior to their separation. Caleb had been living with Edward Cullen in the apartment that he had formerly shared with Jacob. Charlie was concerned as well when Jacob simply dropped out of the Black Swan and refused to answer any of his calls. Jasper's attempts to visit his former friend and sometime dance companion went unanswered with James telling the boy that Jacob was "indisposed" and couldn't see him.

Jacob had begun to realize his misery long before he understood that he was the only one who could break from it. He braced his hands on the door frame of James's private office and took a deep breath. James sat at his desk, back to Jacob, working on the internet. His ear buds were in place and he was listening to his favorite radio station. He was completely oblivious to his slave's presence in the room. Jacob crossed the floor carefully so as not to make a sound and dropped to his knees beside James.

It took a few moments before James registered that Jacob was kneeling beside him. He pulled his ear buds out and turned off the radio. He swiveled in his chair and turned to face Jacob, reaching out and running a caressing hand down the side of the boy's face. For a brief minute, Jacob's resolve faded but he swallowed hard, shut his eyes tightly and uttered a single word.

"Paris."

James was bewildered. He stared at Jacob with undisguised confusion. "Why are you safewording, baby? We aren't even in a scene now."

"Paris, Master. I can't do this anymore."

James stood up, trembling, clenching and unclenching his fists. "What the hell do you mean you can't do this anymore?" he shouted, running his hands through his hair and pulling the short pony tail loose. He threw the rubber band down on the desk and then slammed his fist down beside it. Jacob swallowed hard and raised his eyes to meet James's, breaking the cardinal rule of submission.

"I need you to release me, Master. I can't live this way. It's not what I wanted, to be someone's slave. I need a life of my own. I need to go back to school, play in the symphony, and be able to visit with my loved ones…"

"Oh, so that's it is it? Your loved ones? You mean Caleb? You're pissed because I won't let you run back to your abusive brother? What the hell, Jacob? Did I not hit you hard enough? Did I not play up to your incest fantasies enough? You have to go back to that fucked up freak of a brother of yours and let him wack out your life some more?"

Jacob sprang up from the floor scowling and advanced on James. He drew back his fist and for a moment, James was sure he was going to get the full brunt of Jacob's right hook directly in his face. To his credit, Jacob relented, dropping his fist and letting out a trembling breath. He fought against the tears that were trying to surface. For perhaps the first time in a year, maybe in his entire life, he knew exactly what he wanted to do.

"I'm leaving, James. I know you believed you were doing the right thing for me but it's not what I need. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted."

Jacob turned and walked out of the office. James stood beside the desk and watched. He wasn't entirely sure what to do. Part of him wanted to run after Jacob, tackle the boy to the ground and attempt to subdue him. But deep down inside, James knew that was futile. Jacob was stronger than him. The boy's submission had only been superficial. James wasn't big enough to physically restrain Jacob unless Jacob was willing. It was obvious that Jacob was no longer willing.

#

Caleb sat behind the desk in his office at the Black Swan. He rubbed his temples in frustration. Jacob's refusal to answer his phone calls, not wanting to see Jasper… none of it made any sense to Caleb. He'd decided to ask Charlie to go with him to James's residence and demand to see Jacob. Ever since that day when James had invited himself to Caleb's apartment and told Jacob that he could live another way, nothing had been right between them. James had desired Jacob, that fact had been obvious from the start. Caleb had been thankful for the fact that James had saved Jacob's life not once but twice. Still, he was beginning to hate James for taking Jacob away.

Caleb couldn't say that he wasn't happy with Edward as his submissive. The man was everything that a dominant could want. Together they had explored all of Caleb's fantasies. Edward was more than willing to role play and Caleb had discovered that he enjoyed it immensely. Edward had a knack for doing exactly what Caleb wanted and needed at any given time. It was effortless and easy. Sometimes, it was too easy. Caleb stood and made his way across the hall and knocked on Charlie Swan's door.

"Come in," his mentor called through the thick, oak door.

Caleb pushed it open and sauntered in, lounging in one of the easy chairs in front of Charlie's desk. Charlie sat up and pushed the file folder in front of him aside. "What can I do for you my handsome, young dominant?"

"I need you to go with me to see Jacob. James is keeping him prisoner there and I've had enough of the shit!"

"Now, Caleb…" Charlie began.

"Don't start that shit with me, Charlie. You're as pissed off about this as I am. I just want to make sure he's ok. You know that."

Charlie sighed. "Yeah, you're right. I do want to know why Jacob's not answering everyone's calls. Ok, tomorrow we go over there. Now, I'm warning you right now, before we even get started. You can't go in there all guns blazing and think you're saving Jacob. For all we know, he might not want to talk to us."

"I don't believe it," Caleb said, staring at Charlie through his thick bangs.

Charlie returned the steady stare. Caleb could sometimes un-nerve Charlie and that was a profound thing. Caleb was perhaps the only other man Charlie knew that could disrupt his rock solid control. There was something about Caleb's dark eyes, his solemn expressions. Charlie had always carried a torch for the man but he knew that he and Caleb would never be a match. For occasional play… sure but anything stronger would fail right out of the gates.

Caleb reached out for the decanter of Scotch on Charlie's desk and both men were startled when Caleb's cell rang. Startled, not because of the sound of the phone, but because of the ringtone. It was the one Caleb had set for Jacob. Caleb snatched the phone from the pocket of his jacket, unlocked the screen and tapped it to answer.

"Yes, hello, Jacob?"

"Hey, Caleb, I'm sorry I haven't been returning your calls. I was wondering if maybe you could meet me somewhere."

"Absolutely, where do you want to meet? I'm at the club now. I can come anywhere. Where are you, ba… Jacob, where are you?" Caleb mentally cursed himself for almost slipping and calling Jacob baby.

"I'm actually in my car at the university. I just went to talk to my guidance counselor to find out what I need to do to make up my classes…"

"What do you mean make up your classes, Jacob? Have you been missing them?" Caleb asked. Charlie glanced up at Caleb, frowning.

"Um, yeah, I missed most of this semester. I'll have to re-enroll and take them over. I'm… I… look, Caleb, can we please meet somewhere and talk?"

Caleb could hear the emotion in Jacob's voice and he knew it was bad. He met Charlie's eyes and the fear he felt was obvious on his face. Charlie could see it there. "Yeah, I'll meet you. Just tell me where and Jacob, you fucking better be there when I get there."

"Um, ok, can you just meet me in front of the student union? I'm parked there and I'll just wait in my car till you get here. We can go eat somewhere, I'm starving."

"Ok, I'll meet you there. Just stay there. I'll hurry," Caleb answered as he stood up and started across the hall toward his office to retrieve his coat and car keys. Charlie followed him.

"Caleb, thanks… I love you."

"I love you too, Jake." The line went dead in Caleb's hand and he shoved the phone back into his suit jacket. He picked up his coat and turned to head back into the hall nearly running into Charlie.

"What the hell is going on?" Charlie asked.

"I don't know, Charlie, but it's not good."

"You want me to come with you?" Charlie asked.

"No, thanks but I need to do this alone. Will you call Edward for me and tell him I might be late?"

"Sure, I'll call him. Caleb?"

"Yeah?" Caleb asked, turning in frustration over the delay.

"Remember what I said. And remember… You are no longer his dominant."

"Yes, Charlie. I'll remember."

A/N: Ok, so, I had a few requests to reopen this fic and I felt like I could come back to it. As for who really talked me into it, well, you know who you are and this one is for you! Hope you like it.


	18. Chapter 18

Something I Can Never Have

Chapter Eighteen

Caleb slammed the Mercedes into park and threw open the door. He could see Jacob's Mustang parked just a few feet in front of him, the back of the boy's head was visible above the seat. Caleb took a deep breath as he walked up to the driver's side and tapped on the window. Jacob got out, closing the door behind him. He was wearing dark sunglasses and the hood of his sweatshirt was up.

"Hey," he said, his head down, unable to meet Caleb's eyes.

"Jacob, what's going on?" Caleb asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

"I um… well, I left James."

"Oh," Caleb bit back on the thousand questions he suddenly wanted to ask. Before he could say anything else, Jacob shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans and spoke again.

"Can we go sit down and talk somewhere? Maybe in your car?"

"Yeah sure," Caleb answered, reaching out and putting his hand on Jacob's shoulder to guide him back to the Mercedes. Caleb opened the door for his brother, then got in himself and started the car so they would be warm. Spring was on the way but it was still chilly in Tacoma.

Caleb forced himself to sit quietly and give Jacob the chance to talk. After a moment, the boy seemed to relax a bit and he reached up, taking off his sunglasses and pushing back his hoodie. Caleb noticed several things all at once and wasn't sure which one bothered him the most.

"Jacob, you cut your hair!" he exclaimed, noticing that the boy's formerly long, straight, jet-black hair that had been almost halfway down his back was now cut in a short, spiky style that stuck out all over his head. Caleb decided not to mention that fact that from the puffiness of Jacob's eyes, it was obvious that he'd been crying. He also chose not to make a comment on the thick, solid-silver Eternity collar that was bolted around Jacob's neck. Those collars could only be removed with an Allen wrench. Caleb had one in his playroom at home.

Jacob rubbed at his eyes and nodded. "Yeah, James cut it. It kept getting in his way when we… Look, I don't want to talk about James now, ok? I'm sort of out of a place to stay and I was wondering if you could maybe let me stay with you and Edward until I find a place. I'll talk to the conductor of the symphony and see if I can get my chair back. Luckily they've been off for winter break and they hadn't replaced me last I heard. I made good money playing for them. If they let me come back then I'll be able to afford a decent place of my own. I promise I won't get in the way of you and Edward. I'll be quiet and I won't cause any trouble…"

"Jacob, of course you can stay with me. It won't be any trouble and you're welcome to be there as long as you want. I do, however, want to talk about James. Am I to understand that he's prevented you from going to your classes and playing at the symphony? Jacob, you do realize that constitutes a legal issue?"

"No, Caleb, I don't want to press any charges. It wasn't like that. I dropped out of it on my own because I thought it would please him. He wanted a 24/7 live in slave. I didn't want it like that. He was just… I don't know, it was like…" Jacob hesitated, rubbing at his eyes again. "It was like I ceased to exist at all. I lost myself outside of him. I was an extension of him is all. I couldn't do it anymore. Please understand, Caleb. This is all very sudden. He wasn't expecting me to leave. I just sprung it on him this morning. To be honest, I wasn't ready for it either."

"Do we need to go over there and get your things?" Caleb asked.

"No, I brought my clothes and my violin. I left the things he got me there. I need to return this damn collar to him too. Can you get it off me, Caleb?" Jacob asked, looking up at his brother and meeting his eyes for the first time.

Caleb swallowed hard and fought back the rage of anger that swept up in him. Jacob looked vulnerable and exhausted; like he hadn't slept in weeks. "Of course I'll get it off of you. I'll do it the minute we get in the door."

"Ok, I'll take it back over to him tomorrow…"

"You will not!" Caleb exclaimed. "You will do no such thing! Edward works at the Black Swan tonight. He can take it in and give it to Charlie. Charlie will see that James gets it back. You are to have nothing further to do with James, is that clear?"

Jacob had shrunk back against the passenger door, a look of confusion and concern on his face. Caleb realized that the way he'd just spoken to his brother was the way he'd done things before, trying to order Jacob around. "God, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I'm not trying to boss you around. I'm just… fuck! I'm so pissed off at him right now!" Caleb turned to face the steering wheel, putting his hands on it so that he would have something to do with them. He squeezed it so hard that his knuckles turned white. "I just think it would be best if you and James avoid each other until the dust settles."

"Yeah, you're probably right. Yeah, Edward can take it to Charlie. Of course, that's the best thing to do. I'm sorry I looked like I was snake bit there. I'm just feeling a little on edge and emotional, Caleb."

"Listen, why don't you follow me back to the apartment. We'll get that damn thing off your neck. You can have your old room back. It's still just the way it was when you lived there. Are you hungry? We can pick up something on the way home."

Jacob nodded. "Yeah, I'll follow you. I'm not really hungry unless you are."

"It can wait. Jacob, I just want you to know that I'm here for you and I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy. I'm glad you're coming back home. To be honest, it's not felt right without you there."

Jacob nodded and opened the passenger door. "So I'll just follow you then?"

"Ok," Caleb answered. He watched Jacob walk around the front of the car and climb into his Mustang.

Caleb pulled out into traffic and glanced into his rear view mirror every couple of seconds to make sure Jacob was following him. His nerves were firing and his protective urges were taking control. He was a mess of emotions, rage and sadness for Jacob, mixing with elation over the fact that the boy was really and truly coming back home.

#

Edward paced back and forth in the great room of the apartment he shared with Caleb. Ever since the call from Charlie he'd been on edge. Nothing good could come of this mess between James and Jacob if Caleb got involved. Why the hell couldn't Jacob just learn to take care of his own problems? Edward puffed on his cigarette and glanced at his watch. If Caleb didn't get back soon, Edward would miss the chance to see his Master before he had to be at work. His shift at the Black Swan started in about an hour and he'd been hoping to at least get the chance to eat supper with his dominant before he had to go bartend.

Caleb had been gracious enough to allow Edward to keep his job as it gave them a little bit of separation from one another. They both needed it from time to time although many evenings, Caleb would be working late anyway and would come out and sit at the bar with his laptop and work so he could be close to his submissive. Most of the patrons of the Swan had accepted the ruse that Caleb and Jacob had only been trying to fool people when Caleb had told them all that Jacob was his submissive. Charlie had felt it was better to pretend it had been a joke than to admit it was the truth. Most people, even those in the lifestyle, weren't keen on blatant incest.

Edward was in love with Caleb, however and he'd gone along with the lies to protect the man he submitted to. Caleb had been so sad and miserable after Jacob left and it had taken Edward a long time to get the smile back on his dominant's face. He was loath to admit that he knew it would only take a little tip of the scales to bring Caleb back down to misery again. No matter how hard Edward tried, the ghost of Jacob always haunted their lives together. He didn't think it was fair. He'd been afraid of that possibility when Charlie had suggested Caleb to him. He'd been fighting against it all along.

When the front door opened, Edward looked up and his fears became a reality. Caleb had brought the boy home. "Edward, get the Allen wrench from the playroom!" Caleb called to him.

"Yes, Sir!" Edward answered and quickly ran up the stairs to the unlocked playroom. He retrieved the wrench from the small box of tools Caleb kept there and ran it back downstairs. He handed it to Caleb and watched as Caleb laid his hand on Jacob's broad shoulder and gently urged the boy to sit down on the bar stool.

Caleb went to work on the pretty Eternity collar on Jacob's neck, unscrewing it and removing it. He tossed it on the counter and handed the wrench back to Edward.

"Go put that up, will you, please, Edward?" he said, glancing over at his submissive and meeting Edward's jade-green eyes.

"Yes, Sir," Edward answered. When he came back down the stairs, he stopped short, seeing Caleb standing with his arms wrapped around his younger brother. Jacob's arms were wrapped around Caleb too. Caleb reached up and cupped the back of Jacob's head, rubbing his fingers through the boy's short hair. Jacob's face was buried in the front of Caleb's shirt and he was trembling.

Edward took a few hesitant steps down into the main room, feeling like an outsider in his own home. Caleb noticed him lingering on the edge of the periphery and looked up, nodding to him. He held Jacob out at arm's length and kissed the top of the boy's hair, then glanced back at Edward.

"Edward, Jacob is going to be staying with us for a while. He had to leave James because… it doesn't matter."

"I'm sorry, Edward," Jacob sniffed, wiping at his face and nose. "I'm not trying to interfere with you guys. I had to get away. It wasn't healthy with James. I need a place to stay just till I get back on my feet. I won't be here long."

"Jacob, what happened? Did he hurt you?" Edward asked, feeling suddenly villainous for having bad thoughts about the boy being there with them.

"No, it was nothing like that. He just…" Jacob sighed and flopped down on the couch. "We just wanted different things from the lifestyle."

Caleb motioned for Edward to come to him and leaned down to whisper in his submissives ear. "Meet me in the bedroom. I'll explain everything."

Edward nodded and headed to the master bedroom. He could hear Caleb talking quietly with Jacob as he slipped inside and closed the door. He was waiting on the side of the bed when Caleb joined him there.

"Edward, this will not affect us. James was isolating him, manipulating him. That had to stop. Charlie thinks so too. When you go into work tonight, please take that collar in and give it to him. He can see that James gets it back. I don't want either of you talking to that mother fucker. Edward, I swear I'm so fucking angry I could tear him to bits!" Caleb sat down beside Edward and shook his head.

"Master, I'm sorry that this is happening to Jacob. He's a good boy and doesn't deserve it. Of course he should be here until he gets his feet back under him."

Caleb didn't answer but when Edward slid off the bed and knelt before him, he reached out and traced the side of Edward's face with his fingertip. "You know I love you," Caleb whispered. He stood up and fluffed his hand through Edward's hair then walked out.

Edward sighed and closed his eyes against the ocean of pain, the tide of which was just beginning to come in against his aching heart. "You know how much I wish it was enough," he whispered back to the empty room.

#

The apartment was quiet. Caleb sat on the sofa watching Edward button up his white shirt and tie on his bow tie. He snapped the cumber bun in place around his waist and gave his appearance one quick glance in the mirror near the front door. He reached for his coat and Caleb got up quickly crossing the floor to him and helping him get it on. He bent and captured Edward's chin in his hand, placing a quick peck on his submissive's upturned mouth.

"Be safe tonight, baby," Caleb ordered.

"Always am," Edward answered. He was out the door before Caleb realized he'd not ended that reply with Sir.

The haunting sound of Jacob's violin came quietly from the hallway and the closed-door to his old bedroom. Caleb suspected that James hadn't allowed Jacob to play as the boy kept starting over on the piece he was working on. It was The Gravel Road from the soundtrack for The Village. Caleb had not been overly fond of M. Knight Shyamalan's movies but he did love that song. It made chills run up and down his spine each time he heard it and it was one of Jacob's favorite pieces to play.

Caleb stole over to the closed-door and stood outside of it listening. He shut his eyes and imagined Jacob sitting there on his old bed, Indian style with his violin up, chin braced on it, mouth set in a tight line as he concentrated. "Damn," Caleb whispered, thankful that the music drowned out his words.

This line of thought would never do. Jacob was here to have a safe place, not be sucked back into the unhealthy relationship that had floundered between the two of them before. Caleb knew it. He knew also, that if he knocked on Jacob's door and went inside, he would sit down on the side of the bed and he would want to touch, to hold, to comfort. It was the dominant in him and he would not be able to fight it.

His cell phone ringing startled and embarrassed him. Jacob would have heard it and known that Caleb was lurking around just outside his door. "Fuck," Caleb mumbled and yanked it from the pocket of his jeans. He stepped back to answer it just as Jacob opened the door.

"Caleb, what's going on?"

It was Charlie. Caleb knew he should have called to let his boss and mentor in on the story but he'd not given it a second thought. Jacob leaned against the door frame, a cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth, one eyebrow raised questioningly at Caleb. Caleb glanced over at him and mouthed 'Charlie' to him so he would know who was calling. Jacob nodded and went back inside his room but left the door open.

Caleb retreated to the sofa to bring Charlie up to speed. Charlie was livid and insisted he was going to pull James into the office and demand to know what the hell he'd been thinking. He assured Caleb that he would get the collar from Edward and return it to James. They talked for a few more minutes about Jacob living with Caleb and Edward and how that concerned Charlie a bit. Caleb tried to assure his friend that it would not be an issue. When he hung up, he felt deflated. Charlie was probably right. It would be an issue.

Caleb walked over to the open door and stood looking at Jacob. The boy was sitting on the side of the bed staring back. Caleb cleared his throat and stepped into the room, closing the door behind him though they were alone in the apartment and would be for 8 hours. He sat down beside Jacob and looked over at his little brother. Jacob's lower lip began to tremble. He reached out almost hesitantly and touched Caleb's hand.

Caleb drew Jacob into his arms and stroked his hands up and down his back as Jacob melted to him. He felt the boy go limp in his arms and let out a sigh of relief.

"I know, baby. I know," Caleb whispered against the top of Jacob's head. "Everything will be ok now. I promise you."

"Caleb, can you… will you…" Jacob couldn't finish.

"What, honey, what do you need?" Caleb asked, feeling tortured over Jacob's obvious state of torment.

"I know you and Edward are together but… do you remember when we parted that morning, you promised me that if I ever needed… that if I needed you to…"

"Do you need it, sweetheart?" Caleb asked.

"Yes," Jacob whispered.

"I'll take care of you, boy," Caleb answered. "I'll always take care of you when you need it."

"James hardly ever… I mean sex wasn't something he wanted from me. At least not very often. Caleb, it's not that I'm a freaking horn dog or anything I just…"

"I know, baby, I know."

Caleb stood up and stripped off his t-shirt. He tossed it to the floor and kicked off his shoes. Jacob sat watching wide-eyed as Caleb undressed. Caleb slid his jeans down and reached for Jacob's hand, standing the boy up and pulling back the covers on the twin bed. Caleb pushed his boxers down and climbed into the bed. He looked up at Jacob and smiled.

"Undress for me, sweetheart and come lay beside me. I'll make it all go away."

Jacob shoved his cargo shorts down and pulled his t-shirt over his head. He left his boxer briefs on and hesitated, biting at his lower lip, then got into bed with Caleb. Caleb rolled his heavy body onto Jacob's and braced himself up with his hands on either side of Jacob's shoulders.

"Ask me to stop if you don't want this and I will," Caleb assured him.

"No, I want it, please," Jacob begged.

Caleb bent down and brushed his lips against Jacob's. "Missed you so much, boy!" he sighed against his younger brothers full mouth.

"I missed you too," Jacob answered and pushed his tongue against Caleb's questing mouth. The kiss deepened and Jacob felt the adrenaline rushing all over his body. A year, it had been almost a year since he'd felt this alive.

Caleb rolled to one side and slid his hands over Jacob's chest, pausing to tug and pinch at the boys erect nipples. Jacob moaned and pushed up into the touch. Only Caleb knew just how to do it. Jacob pushed against Caleb's chest and rolled the big boy to the side completely, then leaned up over him and smiled.

"Let me," he asked.

"Let you what?" Caleb questioned him, dark eyes locked together.

"Let me make you feel good."

Caleb nodded and Jacob pulled the covers back revealing Caleb's hard cock, glistening and so fully erect that it was flush to his abdomen. Jacob leaned down slowly and took the head of it into his mouth, sliding his tongue around it and tasting his brother's pre-cum. Caleb moaned and clutched at Jacob's head. Jacob leaned up, the head of Caleb's cock firmly in his mouth and winked at Caleb.

Caleb's heart soared. Jacob was feeling playful enough to act like that. He was obviously ok. Caleb could relax and enjoy the stimulation without having to worry about hurting Jacob's emotional state. The boy was ok. Jacob went back to work, his strong mouth devouring Caleb's big cock, taking him all the way into the tight glove of his throat and swallowing around it.

"Fuck… God damn!" Caleb moaned, struggling not to thrust up into Jacob's mouth. "You're so damn good at it boy!"

"You taught me well, Master," Jacob answered, Caleb's cock falling from his mouth.

"Master…" Caleb murmured. "Jacob, I'm not…" he didn't bother finishing that thought. He had always been and he would always be… nothing else mattered.

"Jacob, stop baby. It's too much stimulation for me. How far do you want this to go?" Caleb asked, tugging at Jacob's head.

"I want you to fuck my ass and make me forget about him!" Jacob answered.

"Baby, that's not a good idea…" Caleb began but the crestfallen expression on Jacob's face drew him away from that line of thought.

"Ok, I'll do that for you if you need me to."

Jacob lay back in the bed and reached for the band of his boxer briefs. He slid them down slowly and exposed his beautiful cock. Caleb let out a puffed breath of frustration when he saw that Jacob was shaved. He didn't like that look on a submissive. He appreciated a little man-scaping but shaving it all off made a grown man look too much like a little boy. It wasn't a look he wanted to see on Jacob.

"He shave you, boy?" Caleb asked.

Jacob glanced down and blushed. "Yeah, I didn't really like it but…"

"Grow it back," Caleb ordered.

"Yes, Sir!" Jacob grinned up at him.

Caleb reached down and wrapped his hand around Jacob's cock, giving it several firm tugs before he realized he didn't have any lube. "Um, Jake, I need to make a run to my bedroom. Gotta get some lube…"

"I got some in my bedside table!" Jacob interrupted.

Caleb grinned and reached for the drawer. Sure enough, there was a bottle left over from when Jake had lived there before. He poured some into the palm of his hand and reached down, pushing his fingers against the tight, little hole. "Baby, pull up for me, spread."

Jacob complied, pulling his knees up and holding his legs wide open for Caleb. He was blushing and biting his lower lip, being so exposed like that. Caleb loved it. He slowly circled that secret little hole, barely pressing with his finger until Jacob began to push back against him, desiring it, and needing it. Caleb slid his other hand up and down the boy's thighs, pushing Jacob's legs farther apart before wrapping his hand around the boy's leaking cock.

"Fuck," Jacob sighed, his head rolling back.

"Needing this, boy?" Caleb asked.

"Oh God, Caleb, you don't know how badly!"

"Oh yes I do, boy!" Caleb pushed inside with one finger, slowly fucking Jacob with it, opening him, and spreading the lube. Jacob's hips canted forward to meet each intrusion, driving Caleb deeper. "Want more, want another finger?" Caleb asked.

"Please," Jacob begged. Caleb chuckled and breached him with another finger, scissoring them and lightly brushing Jacob's prostate, not enough to cause the blistering pleasure that Jacob wanted but enough to keep him writhing.

"Damn it, Caleb!" Jacob moaned. "Quit teasing me!"

"Oh, you want me to stop?" Caleb asked, pulling his fingers free.

"NO, God damn it!" Jacob cried.

"Ok, good boy!" Caleb replied. "Roll over on your belly for me. Show me that pretty little ass!"

Jacob wriggled his legs back down and rolled, pushing up slightly and giving Caleb a perfect view of his tightly muscled ass. "Mmm, boy. Needs some stripes but that will have to wait."

Caleb gripped the muscular globes and spread them apart, holding Jacob open with one hand while he teased Jacob's hole with his fingers again. He couldn't hold off much longer. He wanted to fuck the boy so bad he was seeing stars. Jacob squirmed around on the mattress, thrusting against the sheet to get stimulation to his cock.

"Quit that, greedy boy!" Caleb ordered.

"Fuck me then!" Jacob begged.

"Topping from the bottom boy?"

"I thought this was just vanilla?" Jacob asked.

"Is that what you need?" Caleb asked.

"For now."

Caleb rose up and pulled his fingers free, then lined up with his target. He'd told himself that this part of his life was over. He'd promised Edward that it wouldn't interfere. So many things he'd said to himself and to others… It was just white noise.

He pushed, the tight ring of muscle giving as he slid into the welcome heat. It was coming home; it was what he'd been wanting in the back of his mind for so long. He stilled and gave Jacob a chance to accommodate him, waiting for the muscle to relax. The moment he felt it, he pushed hard and bottomed out.

"Oh Christ!" Jacob cried out. "Caleb!"

"Yes, baby, I'm here!" Caleb answered. He began to move, to thrust, fuck, and claim.

"God damn, Caleb, you feel so good! Fuck me, do it! This ass has always been yours. Never was anyone else's. Take me, use me, make me scream!"

"Damn, boy!" Caleb murmured against the silky skin between Jacob's shoulders. He thrust harder and harder, driving Jacob flat to the mattress. "That what you wanted?" he growled.

"For as long as I can remember!" Jacob cried. "Please, please…"

"I want you to cum, Jacob. I want to feel it. I want you cumming on my cock, I need it. Give it to me!"

Jacob rocked against the bed, wanton, wet with sweat. His short hair stuck to his head, his breath came in forced gasps with each of Caleb's thrusts into him. Jacob, his Jacob, his baby boy, little brother, submissive. Caleb pulled almost all the way out and forced back in, driving in deep.

Jacob came soundlessly, limp against the sheets, pulsations moving through his body and Caleb could feel each one. He thrust twice more, stuttering and without rhythm of his own as his balls emptied and white heat crackled along his spine.

"Baby boy," he sighed, falling against Jacob's back, letting the boy hold up his weight.

"Caleb," Jacob answered. "My Master, please say it…"

"My boy," Caleb responded.


	19. Chapter 19

Something I Can Never Have

Chapter Nineteen

Edward handed the collar across the desk to Charlie and took a seat. He watched as his old friend ran his fingers over the very expensive symbol of submission that had lately adorned Jacob's neck. Charlie sighed and put the collar into his desk drawer, then reached for the decanter of Scotch that was always handy on his desk. He offered it to Edward but Edward had no intention of imbibing.

"Charlie, do you really think Jacob living with Caleb is a good idea? I think this thing with James is all kind of sudden. He just up and leaves a guy he's been living with for over a year and turns up back on Caleb's doorstep. You know Caleb; he's all for taking care of baby brother."

"Edward, you and I both knew this might happen. I warned you that it could. You have to stay strong. Your Caleb's submissive now, not Jacob. Remind your Dom of his obligations to you if you must or if you would prefer, I'll be more than happy to," Charlie answered, sitting back and making a steeple of his fingers, resting his chin on them. "He does care for you. I've seen the two of you together and it's quite obvious. Your submission is flawless, his dominance is exemplary when the two of you scene. He just needs to remember his priorities. It's all about what is most important in his life. You know that he's going to place Jacob in front of you if you let him."

Edward sighed and ran his hand through his unruly hair, standing it on end. He knew exactly what Charlie was saying. He'd always known he would be second to Jacob. It was as if he had to compete with someone who in Caleb's eyes was far above him.

"Charlie, if he touches Jacob in a less than brotherly way, I'm done. I will not live like that in Jacob's shadow. I have to be first or nothing."

"I understand, Edward. Believe me, I do. I'd hoped that this would all work out for each of you and I blame myself for getting you into it in the first place. I really thought you could keep Caleb away from Jacob. Maybe it really is just what it seems and Jake needs a bit of time to get his shit together. At any rate, I'm meeting with his former Dom this evening to get James's take on things. It might prove quite informative hearing his side. Would you like to sit in on that interview?"

"No, Charlie, it's none of my business and besides, I need to get out to the bar."

"Jasper could cover for you," Charlie offered.

"No, like I said, I really don't have any business involved in that."

Charlie nodded as Edward got up to leave. He picked up his glass of Scotch and took a sip, swirling it about in the glass and inhaling the aroma. He did love the smell of good liquor.

#

Caleb sat on the side of Jacob's twin bed, twining his fingers through his younger brother's short hair. He hated it being cut like that. Jacob didn't look like himself. Shaved pubes, short hair, that damned collar around his neck, those red, puffy eyes… The image of his little brother getting out of the mustang earlier in the day was burned into Caleb's memory. He wanted to wave a magic wand and bring back the old Jacob but which one exactly? Did he miss the submissive that had been his, just before their fall from grace? Or was it perhaps the little, dimple-faced child that had been his baby brother, running wild on the reservation; the child that he'd corrupted with his un-natural longings?

"Fuck it," Caleb whispered, fighting against the emotions that thoughts of that nature always brought. He tucked the blankets in around Jacob's sleeping form and bent to press a kiss to the corner of his soft mouth. Caleb stood, straightening out the crooks in his back and walked out, turning off the light and closing the door behind him. He had done it. He'd done exactly what he'd promised Edward he would never do again.

"Well, what the hell will you say to him when he comes home, Caleb? Will you confess your sins and pray for his absolution? Will you deny it and hope he remains in the dark?" Caleb asked his reflection in the hall mirror.

He went into the living room and poured himself a drink from the bottle of wine sitting on the bar. He'd been drinking too much lately and he knew it. Edward had expressed concern over it and so had Charlie. Jacob wouldn't. He'd be just fine with it as long as…

"As long as you don't beat the shit out of him again," Caleb said to himself.

"Talking to yourself, Master?"

Caleb turned around, surprised to see Edward standing in the doorway. He'd not heard his submissive come in. "Yeah, I guess I am. I suppose its ok as long as I don't answer myself, yeah?"

Edward chuckled and hung his coat up in the hall closet. "Jasper needed some extra dough so Charlie told him he could work the rest of my shift. He let me off early. I hope that's ok?"

"Well of course it is," Caleb answered quickly. He caught himself before he went to wrap Edward up in his arms. Edward would smell Jacob on him, all over him, the scent, and the smell of sex. "I was just about to get a shower. Why don't you have a drink and I'll join you when I'm done?"

Edward nodded but made no move toward the bar. Moments later, Caleb stood under the shower, trying to wash away the incestuous act as if it were a stain on his skin. It was already too late. He knew it. He suspected Edward knew it as well but he knew he couldn't face it unless Edward broached the subject. Maybe things would work out. Perhaps Jacob just did need a little time. He sighed and reached up to adjust the water temperature.

Caleb jumped when he felt a pair of arms wrap around his back. "Sorry, Sir but I couldn't resist joining you. I hope it doesn't displease you?"

Caleb glanced over his shoulder into Edward's green eyes. "Oh course not. I should have offered but I didn't know if you were ready to jump into the shower again since you had one right before work."

"I wanted to be close to you, Sir."

Did it sound desperate, his submissive's statement? Caleb leaned his forehead against the shower wall and sighed as Edward kneaded the muscles of his back. Edward knew exactly how to do it to make the stress of the day disappear. God, how could he have been so lucky to have a sub like Edward and how stupid to risk losing it all with a rash act? Caleb turned to face his submissive and before he could open his mouth to confess, Edward dropped to his knees and took Caleb's soft cock into his mouth.

"Christ!" Caleb moaned, overly sensitive from having unloaded less than an hour before. When Edward wrapped his hands around his Master's balls, he found them rather light. He'd feared as much.

"Edward, you don't have to…" Caleb moaned, reaching out to brace his hands on Edward's shoulders. His words fell on deaf ears. Edward continued his oral assault, taking Caleb deep and swallowing around him. Caleb reeled in the sensations, the steam, and the heat.

"Master, I want you," Edward moaned, Caleb's cock falling from his mouth. "Please, lead me! Let me know that I'm still yours!"

Caleb reached down, grabbing Edward by the arms and pulling him into a standing position. He brushed his lips against Edward's and tasted himself there. "Bed," he ordered.

Edward jumped out of the shower, and grabbed a towel, drying himself off as he headed into the master bedroom. Caleb followed after. He opened the bedside table drawer and tossed a pair of cuffs to Edward who promptly put them on and raised his hands above his head to allow Caleb to fasten him to the hook on the headboard.

"Master, there is only you…" Edward sighed.

"Good boy," Caleb answered. It wasn't what Edward wanted to hear but it was enough for now.

#

Edward sat on the side of the bed, his body thrumming with the familiar aches that followed being taken by his Master. He loved that soreness, that slight discomfort that existed only to remind him of his place and his love for Caleb. Yes, that love; he would do whatever he needed to do to keep his Master. Edward wasn't a cruel person by nature. It just wasn't in him to hurt someone he knew didn't really deserve it. Jacob couldn't help his dependence on Caleb. In a way, Edward blamed Caleb for it all. He could, however, do what in his mind was necessary to keep things in status quo.

He got up and tiptoed out of the bedroom, the sound of Caleb softly snoring as he closed the door behind him. He crossed the living room and stopped outside the door to Jacob's room. He listened and hearing nothing, opened the door as softly as he could. Jacob had left the door to his in-suite bathroom slightly ajar and the small nightlight plugged into the wall above the sink gave out a soft, yellow glow. Edward stood over the bed watching the handsome, young man sleeping soundly.

"You think you'll get him away from me without a fight? Well, you're wrong, kid. I love him. I love him in a pure way, not the twisted and fucked up way you love him. You aren't good for him and he's not good for you. Maybe you used to be a good kid once but not anymore. It's time you grew up and I'm going to help you do it."

Edward turned and left the room, closing the door behind him. It might take some time, maybe a couple of months but he would be successful. He would plant the seed in Jacob's mind. He would give the boy a reason to doubt his brother's affection and then he would sit back and allow it to all come apart. In the end, he would be there for Caleb, just as he'd been before. Caleb would have Edward to rely on and Caleb would see that Jacob didn't love him as much as Edward did.

#

"James, I just want to hear your side of the story. Tell me what the hell went wrong and if you lie to me, then I swear…" Charlie warned.

"I don't know, Charlie. I swear it! I thought everything was just fine. He gave me absolutely no sign that he didn't like the way we were living. I always discussed everything with him before we moved forward. I asked him if he was agreeable to living in a 24/7 slave relationship with me and he was all for it. He even volunteered to quit his classes and the symphony. Charlie, I didn't ask him to do that," James attempted to assure Charlie.

Charlie slid the Eternity collar across the desk toward James and watched the man flinch as he reached out to take it. James ran his fingers over it and shook his head sadly. "I love him, Charlie. I'd do absolutely anything for that boy."

"You say he volunteered to quit his classes and the symphony but you did nothing to stop him from quitting did you? You stood by and watched as he dropped out of his life. You may have even encouraged him, perhaps without realizing it."

"No, I didn't! I didn't ask him to do any of that!" James shouted, scooting to the edge of his seat.

"James, you slowly took over every single aspect of his persona until there was nothing left. You wanted to isolate him from his friends and family. You wanted him to be only for you. That isn't how it works and you know it! You tried to change him into something he isn't. Why did you cut his hair off? Their long hair is important to the Quileute boys. It's part of their culture and heritage. You stripped that from him."

"It was getting in the way when we scened together, Charlie! God, damn it am I to understand that I can't have control over my slave and submissive's appearance? I was under the impression that as his Dom, it was my right to decide how I wanted him to look!" James protested.

"To a certain degree. Did you ask him how he felt about letting you cut his hair or did you just do it? Tell me how it happened," Charlie demanded.

"Christ, Charlie! You're making a big deal out of me cutting his damn hair?" James asked incredulously.

"Your God damn right I am now talk! Tell me how it happened!"

"Fine, I was getting tired of it getting in my mouth when I tried to kiss him and of it getting in my way when I flogged his back or tied him up. I had him strapped to the Saint Andrews against the wall and I blindfolded him and got the scissors. I told him that I was going to make him more beautiful and I just started cutting it off."

"You did what?" Charlie yelled, veins sticking out all over his head. He leaned forward over the desk advancing on James in a rage. "What did he do? Tell me exactly what he did!"

"He didn't say a word. He had a safeword. He could have used it if he didn't want me to cut it. He didn't try to stop me. I cut if off and swept it up and got rid of it then I took the blindfold off and got him loose. I stood him in front of a mirror and showed him that he looked just as beautiful without it. I wanted him to see that he didn't need to cling to who he'd been before. I wanted him to be free of it all. I just wanted to show him that he could become somebody else, Charlie!

I didn't want to hurt him. I never wanted that. Please believe me when I say that Jacob is the most important thing in my life. I want him back, damn it! I want to go over there and fucking throw him over my shoulder and just… just take him back! He has no business with Caleb! Charlie, you know that him being there is not healthy! Caleb will start it back up again. He'll start molesting Jacob and fucking with his head and everything will fall apart. Caleb's a drunk and Jacob's a recovering drug addict."

You know how hard I tried to get him off those pain pills, Charlie. It was horrible, holding him and listening to him scream and try to pull his hair out when he went through withdraws. I was there for him. I got him through that shit and how does he repay me? I buy him an eight-hundred dollar collar and give him every fucking thing he ever wanted and he goes and walks out on me without even trying to discuss it first? Fuck!"

James sank back against the chair, his face red, his jaw clenched and his hands shaking. Charlie could tell that the young Dom was on the cusp of a come apart. He sat back in his chair and sighed. He wanted to browbeat James for cutting Jake's hair but it was probable that Jacob had behaved exactly the way James said he had. The boy had most likely just gone along with whatever he thought James wanted of him in order to please his Dom without taking the time to talk to him about what he needed. James, being relatively new to the game, hadn't realized the need to have such open communication with his submissive.

"James, you do realize that as his Dom, you should have seen that things weren't all right? Did you ever sit down with him outside of a scene and discuss his feelings? Did you ever ask him what he wanted? Did you offer to allow him to visit with his friends and his brother? Was there ever a time when you asked him for his opinion on something you wanted to do?"

"Charlie, I'm the Dom! I call the shots…" James began.

"No, James, you do not understand how it works. I've been through this with you before. Every successful d/s relationship is built on trust and open communication. You are the one in control but that control and power must be earned. His submission is a gift that can't be abused and you abused it. You took for granted that you had his best interests at heart and you just plowed ahead with whatever you wanted to do without considering his feelings. I realize that you wanted what you felt was best for him and that you didn't mean to hurt him but Jacob is damaged, James and as a doctor, you should have considered that."

James shook his head in frustration and sank further back in his chair. "So I'm the bad guy here?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm afraid you are. I think it's best if you avoid coming around here for a while. At least until this dies down and we see what Jacob decides to do. He may choose to come back to you and he may choose not to. At any rate, Caleb already has a submissive, Edward Cullen. I know Edward, and he wouldn't allow any untoward behavior between the two of them. He sees Caleb as his property in much the same way that he belongs to Caleb. He'll fight for what's his so I don't think you need to worry about Caleb putting his hands on Jacob."

"Yeah, right! Nothing will stop that from happening. Fuck, Charlie, I'd be willing to bet my life that he's already done it!"

Charlie took a swig of Scotch and reached for his cigar and lighter. As much as he hoped that James was wrong, deep down, he feared that Jacob's former Dom was right. It was most likely already too late.


End file.
